Celebrating Father’s Day

With Father’s Day approaching many people are reminded of the presence of their father in their lives. Through history the importance of a father’s role in the family had been seen as primarily a provider and disciplinarian rather than a caretaker. In more recent times, it has been seen that father’s who are emotionally present and active in the child’s life can make a profound positive impact.

As we know, having both parents in the home would lead to increased emotional wellness and likely lead to an improved outcome for the children involved. Unfortunately, the CDC reports that there were 6.1 marriages per 1,000 people in 2019 and 2.7 divorces/annulments per 1,000 people in the same time frame. While not every divorce that was mentioned involved children in the home it is likely that there are fewer complete households than in the past.

As a father myself I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not be engaged in my children’s lives on a day-to-day basis.

Just like most things in life, we tell ourselves “if that happened to me I wouldn’t do that, I’d be involved in my kid’s life.” However, life tends to throw us twists and turns and we may end up in a place that we didn’t expect. For some fathers they have difficulty maintaining positive relationships with their children after a divorce or separation which is due to any number of reasons. That distance can have a negative impact on the children involved who are left to wonder what led for this situation to come to pass and what does that mean for them. While society is quick to minimize the impact that a divorce or separation has on children I would challenge them to review how many children from single parent household are treated for emotional and behavioral problems 1, engaged in criminal activity 2 and more likely to drop out of high school 3.

My point with this is to say that for those who have father’s whom are present, engaged and well-balanced likely have a more secure attachment, useful social skills and better able to pass along those experience to their children. My goal would be to help those who want to become more balanced for themselves and their partner. We may not have had the well-balanced experiences that we wished had, but we can take steps to become the parents we wish we had. This work we do on ourselves will likely pay dividends to future generations as well.

If you were to take a walk through the downtown of any metropolitan city you’re likely to see people who are struggling and having difficulties in their day-to-day lives. We don’t know their history or life circumstances, but it is likely that they don’t or didn’t have the support of their family or significant others at critical points in their lives.

We could spend hours ruminating on the “what ifs” and “if onlys,” but that doesn’t change the objective reality of the present moment. Negative experiences such as abuse, absenteeism and addiction tend to reoccur through generational trauma (i.e., “it happened to me and I just had to deal with it”).

While we are not responsible for the circumstances of those negative experiences, we are responsible for how we let them continue to impact our lives. Every day that we are alive we have the opportunity to develop awareness into our behaviors and attitudes. Once we begin to challenge our automatic thoughts and reactions we’ll be better equipped to take different actions and develop the change necessary to improve our lives and the lives of those around us.

I recognize that some people may not have positive relationships with their biological father. My hope is that there is a father figure involved who may also provide that structure and support. The idea is to celebrate those in our lives who are taking the time to be present and committed. Father’s who have overcome their own setbacks and obstacles have such an opportunity to change the cycle. In some ways, these father’s can share their experience with their family in an open and honest way to strengthen these relationships and likely reduce the chance that their children would have those same negative experiences.

For anyone who is seeking support to develop skills and better manage relationships and communication to reducing anxiety and depression please do not hesitate to contact me or the staff at Central Counseling Services at 951-778-0230 to make an appointment.

1 Deborah A. Dawson. “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-Being: Data from the

1988 National Health Interview Survey on Child Health,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol.

53, No. 3 (August 1991), pp. 573–584.

2 Chris Coughlin and Samuel Vuchinich, “Family Experience in Preadolescence and the

Development of Male Delinquency,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 58, No. 2 (1996), pp.

491–501.

3 Timothy Biblarz and Greg Gottainer, “Family Structure and Children’s Success: A Comparison

of Widowed and Divorced Single-Mother Families,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 62

(May 2000), pp. 533–548.

Eric Ontiveros, LCSW

"YOU HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED THIS MOUNTAIN TO SHOW OTHERS IT CAN BE MOVED." - UNKNOWN

I want to be present with others while they take amazingly courageous steps towards self-awareness. I enjoy being a therapist as I can witness others take possession of their lives and create change through action. I am hopeful that I may be able to help unlock the power of healing within each client so that they would relieve themselves of the need to have therapy. I hold myself to a high standard such that client care is my utmost priority. I work towards maintaining professional and ethical values to reduce any conflicts and best support the client.

I have worked for nine years within the Riverside County Mental Health Department conducting individual therapy, group therapy, and emergency interventions. I completed my undergraduate degree in psychology in 2008 from the University of California, Riverside. I received my Master of Social Work degree in 2012 from Loma Linda University. I attended three years of training in Gestalt Therapy at Gestalt Associates Training, Los Angeles.

I specialize in helping my clients better managing their anxiety and depression by developing awareness regarding problematic activities or beliefs. I have worked with couples to improve communication and assist w/ processing emotional content.

I am hopeful that we can work together so that you may find your path through this troubling time. You are not alone. Life has given everyone obstacles; whatever yours are they can be overcome.

Call our office at (951) 778-0230 to set up an appointment. The office is open seven days a week, and I am available on weekdays and have opened my calendar to allow for highly requested evening appointments. I will see you soon.

Stress-Relief Tips for Working Moms

It’s no secret that working moms are no strangers to stress. We have to balance the expectations of our workplaces, home, friends and family, and at the same time cope with the emotional rollercoaster of anxiety, guilt, frustration, joy, and all other emotions that come with motherhood.  It is important to practice some self-care in between all of the highs and lows of being both a mother and being part of the workforce. I wanted to share some ideas about ways you can relieve the stress that comes from living in both of these worlds (and the rest of the world around us- inflation, traffic, conflict, elections, social justice- there is just so much, isn’t there?).

1. Organize and Plan

   As a working mom, it can be quite difficult to keep tabs on everything. Taking some time to sit down, plan, and organize events with your family members can be a huge help. Oftentimes, stress is rooted in the fear of the unpredictable. Planning ahead and penciling in your own routine/family routines helps to provide less fuss and fight throughout the week. You might want to display your schedule or routine by keeping a planner and writing things down on a whiteboard or large wall calendar at home to display for all to see. (That makes the rest of the family become involved and responsible for their activities as well. That’s great for teaching kids coping skills and time management!) (And that moms have limits on time that is available)
   

2. Get Connected with Loved Ones

   Humans are social creatures, and we often crave that connection to others. Research studies have shown that kids who often feel neglected tend to act out more, and working moms often struggle with the guilt of not spending enough time with them. In order to reduce this stress, it’s important to find ways to connect and relieve stress at the same time. Along with planning ahead, take the time to enjoy the company of your child, family, friends, and community. Try a five minute sharing time daily, or fifteen minutes twice a week with your teen.
   

3. Set Boundaries!

   Every relationship needs to respect the importance of saying “no”. Working moms already have many roles to play and events scheduled on their planner. In order to keep from feeling too overwhelmed, it’s important to say “no” to the stuff that distracts or disrupts you maintaining your self-esteem, family unit, and success. It’s okay to say “no” to keep your peace. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. No excuses or explanations are needed.
   

4. Practice Gratitude

   Working moms tend to have busy schedules that feel like they have no room left. Despite that it is  important to take a minute to practice gratitude. Research has shown that practicing gratitude can boost self-esteem, foster resilience, and can assist our children to grow up to be happier people. According to a 2008 research study from the Journal of School Psychology, children who grew up with gratitude practice reported more happiness, more satisfaction, and reported better social support. Show your kids that you are naming your gratitude in the morning and evening and help them do it too.
   
   

5. Practice Mindfulness

   Taking the time to practice a short minute of mindfulness helps working moms to press the pause button on their busy lives. What’s so beneficial of practicing mindfulness is its convenience. Working moms can practice a sensory activity while sipping on their morning coffee – noting the aroma, the heat from the mug, and taking a tasteful first sip. Working moms can also take the time to practice mindfulness while preparing dinner for their family or as they are reading a bed-time story for their children. 

I hope this was helpful – I know I need a reminder once in a while as well. If you need more information or would like to work with me I can be reached at Central Counseling Services, www.centralcounselingservices.com (951) 778-0230. I love helping working moms cope, parent, and thrive. 

Marika Lopez

Student I

Morin, A. 2020, November 11. How to Teach Children Gratitude. VeryWellMind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-teach-children-gratitude4782154#:~:text=can%20be%20worthwhile.-,Research%20and%20Evidence,up%20to%20be%20happier%20people.

CECILIA FABE, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Teens are More Prone to Anxiety

The last couple of years have been stressful, and not knowing when or maybe I should say if this pandemic will ever go away has caused ever greater stress. A recent research study in the Journal of Clinical Medicine entitled, Anxiety in Older Adolescents at the Time of COVID-19 (September 2020) has demonstrated higher than usual symptoms leading to severe psychological, emotional, social, and relationship concerns. It should also be noted that teens are affected with higher rates of anxiety, with nearly 1 in 3 teens meeting the criteria for an Anxiety Disorder.

Fear is the emotion that trumps all emotions, and it sets the alarms off in our brain to take some action to protect ourselves. When that happens, we are in the “Fight, Flight or Freeze” response in our brains. When this occurs, the brain releases a ton of neurochemicals which includes hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline, increased blood pressure, and breathing rates (increased oxygen), all to single your body at least temporary to make you more powerful, stronger, faster, more cognitively aware so you can keep yourself alive by fighting or fleeing. Our brains want us to thrive, and thus sometimes, our brain becomes overprotective. Anxiety is a normal response to the pandemic, fear, social isolation, and the virus itself. The pandemic has enforced physical distancing, isolation, less direct communication, and unpredictability. If you haven’t noticed, we humans love some consistency. 

If we think about being a teen and the developmental stages, it’s the teen’s job, if you will; to try on new social groups, values, big emotional responses, pushing away from parents (just a bit) to determine who they are, future planning and brain growth. 

The pandemic stopped the “normal flow” of being a teen.

According to an article in Penn State Social Research, Teens and Anxiety During COVID 19. 79% of teens reported not seeing friends or family in person has been the most harmful consequence of COVID. Additionally, higher rates of anxiety, negative self-talk, blame, and physical symptoms have also been reported.

Parents weren’t immune to pandemic stress; they too had to overcome pandemic anxiety and balance increased childcare needs due to school closures and financial and other health concerns. Single parents had it particularly hard as resources dried up. 

There is some good news; teens got more sleep during the pandemic, with a 14% increase in sleep overall. We turned to social media to help stay connected, and while it can’t give you a hug, we could stay connected. Many families could try new hobbies like gardening, bike riding, or cooking together. New activities make our brains happy and decrease stress. 

Tools to Learn

Have you ever heard of Mindfulness? This tool helps decrease anxiety by helping us remain in the present and not thinking of all the “what ifs” of the future. Feeling the feeling or sensation of your body and just noticing what is happening. No judgment, just notice. It’s being gentle with you. 

Jamie D. Roberts, LMFT, in her new book Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety, Describes  “Noticing The Neutral”  Since our brains are hardwired to find the negative, we must teach our brains to identify other thoughts too. She describes a quick 10-minute exercise you just notice what you’re thinking about. Are these The are main points include. 

1. Pause what you are thinking and review the day you had.

2. Notice any interactions or moments that stand out. Set them aside in your mind.

3. What occurred in between those moments? Consider the mundane and typical daily activities that do not bring up extreme feelings (either positive or negative)

Examples:

Your phone is 50% charged

Your sibling is sitting next to you

You don’t have homework

4. Are there moments that happen daily or regularly? Make a note of it?

5. If you can’t think of something, pay close attention through tomorrow and try the exercise again tomorrow.

Bottom-line, the more time we pay attention to the “okay moments,” the more we will notice that life is not all bad.

Other activities to decrease anxiety include physical exercise, laughing, finding a great movie, or spending time with friends; laughing is a physical release so exercise that funny bone, eating healthy, learning something new, and journaling have proven to help reduce anxiety. 

If anxiety still is overpowering, call us at CCS Education and Wellness to help. (951) 742-7435

Guarding Against Mental Health in Adulthood Can Begin in Childhood

Parenting . . . the struggle is real.

The best parents want to fulfill the needs of their children. Do they realize that means the psychological needs to be seen, feel safe, secure and soothed when it’s needed? Possibly. Some parents appear more natural than others.

As a parent, you want to do what’s best. It would be easiest if we could treat all of our children the same, however they are each unique individuals. Treating each of them the same will not do. Any parent that has tried this approach knows this does not work well and may have ended up in a big parenting struggle.

According to the American Psychological Association there are several different parenting styles:

• Authoritative – nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet sets firm limits for their children. They attempt to control children’s behavior by explaining rules, discussing, and reasoning. Don’t worry – it doesn’t mean they always accept the child’s viewpoint, but the parent does listen.

• Permissive - parents are warm but lax. They fail to set firm limits, to monitor children’s activities closely or to require appropriately mature behavior of the children.

• Uninvolved – parents are unresponsive, unavailable and rejecting. This is a close cousin to Authoritarian.

• Authoritarian – is an extremely strict parenting style that places high expectations on children’s with little responsiveness. The focus tends to be on obedience, discipline, control rather than nurturing the child (www.webmd.com definition)

The authoritarian and uninvolved parenting results in children with low self-esteem and little self-confidence and seek other, often times inappropriate, role models to substitute for this neglectful parent.

Permissive parents tend to have children that are impulsive, rebellious, aimless, domineering, aggressive and low in self-reliance, self-control and achievement.

Ideally, we would have children that are friendly, energetic, cheerful, self-reliant, self-controlled, curious, cooperative and achievement-oriented that have strong emotional intelligence. This child of the authoritative parent. 

Great! Now that we’ve defined an effective parenting style how do we achieve this if we have not experienced this ideal parenting style in our own lives?

How are you consistent in method yet unique to each child? It’s a tough question.

The Nurtured Heart Approach (NHA) can achieve this parenting need.

The Nurtured Heart Approach was created for those helping the difficult or intense child. According to the creator, Howard Glasser, it’s about seeing what’s right in the child in front of you and using emotionally nutritious words to recognize them. The Nurtured Heart Approach consists of a set of strategies that assists children in further developing their self-regulation and has been found effective with children of all ages.  It focuses on transforming the way children perceive themselves, their caregivers and the world around them.  Children learn to understand that they will receive endless amounts of praise, energy, recognition and reward through the positive behavior they display and this supports children to build a positive portfolio of themselves, which we call “Inner Wealth™.”  

The basic tenets of this type of parenting are to:

• refuse to energize negativity

• relentlessly energize the positive

• clearly but un-energetically enforce limits

For more information on the Nurtured Heart Approach please visit www.ChildrensSuccessFoundation.com

An educator, Yael Walfish, wrote a book, Menucha for Menucha. (Menucha means peace.) It’s a book that shows a smart, creative young lady getting frustrated and how her parents explain the limits, recognize her efforts and strengths to control herself in her frustrating moments. In time, these intense moments lessen. She has success in resetting and eventually eliminating this behavior.

Through the Nurtured Heart Approach we can train our mind to see the good in everything and bring about a transformation where all children are flourishing.

What if we were to treat our children with respect and love, and also appreciate each child with their own unique strengths and abilities? 

Potentially, this would ward off many of the mental health challenges of adulthood. Using these techniques is a step in the right direction to helping our children to become adults that feel seen, safe, soothed and secure (neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel’s 4 S’s), and then these same adults will be able to go into the world and do the same for others.

Win - Win.

~Amanda

Resources:

The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind.

https://childsuccessfoundation.org/

https://menuchapublishers.com/products/menucha-for-menucha?_pos=1&_sid=7d6056761&_ss=r

I provide counseling to individuals (adults and children) and couples. I’ve treated a wide range of challenges, mental health matters, adjustments to life’s hurts, and trauma.

Common trauma symptoms: panic attacks, chronic pain, rage, substance abuse, numbing, depression, nightmares, anxiety, and/or hopelessness.

When my loved one struggled with mental illness I received training and experience with leading classes for National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) family programs and peer support groups. I am certified as an Anger Management Facilitator and SMART Recovery. Besides a Loma Linda University Master's degree, I have specialized training in Postpartum Support International’s Perinatal Mood Disorders Component of Care and Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CF CBT).

Raising Your Grandchildren: The Good, The Hard & The In-between

No one ever expects to raise their grandchildren. When we’re young parents we envision becoming grandparents who have play dates with their grandchildren, pick them up on Friday’s at school, spoil them a bit too much… hopes much like those run through our minds. Yet, many Americans, and cultures all over the world, have grandparents raising their grandchildren. This can be a very challenging time & it’s important to grab onto the resources and help around you.

Let’s talk about the good, the hard, and the in-between of what it really means to raise your grandchildren.

Kinship care, or raising family members that aren’t your own children, can be rewarding as you watch them grow, first hand, help  them overcome their fears, and get a first row seat to watching your grandchildren become the people they were created to be- all in a safe, loving environment. The leisurely role of grandparent may slip away as you take on the day-to-day parenting responsibilities, so it’s important to stop and reflect. Taking a moment out of your day, or week, to be “grandma” or “grandpa”. Go get ice cream, don’t wash the dishes and play the game with the kids instead, laugh at the silly tv show, and enjoy the moment. The burden of responsibilities will always be looming, so try to find balance with it and catch a few “grandparent” moments as well.

It’s also important to to acknowledge the hard feelings, you know, the “I should have’s”, “why didn’t I’s”, and “Did I do enough’s?”. Stress is valid, your emotions are valid, and allowing yourself to feel is important. Acknowledge how you’re feeling, possibly pick up journaling, meditating, or listening to music and asking yourself, “How do I feel today?”. Give yourself the grace to feel and acknowledge those feelings. 

There are many resources available to those providing kinship care, from counseling, to support groups, and individual care. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you real. And getting the support you need, means you can give your grandchildren the support they need. A healthy you = a healthy them. So don’t feel selfish for taking time for yourself. It’s easy to get caught up in the “to-do” list and let go of your own hobbies and friends. But I encourage you to hold on to those things as much as you can. Maybe you don’t get to go to every Wednesday morning breakfast with the crew, but you can do bi-weekly. Make the things you enjoy fit into your new schedule.

And while we’re talking about “new”- embrace it.

New schedules, new habits, new routines, new is okay. New is also scary and difficult, and exhausting at times. But soon, the new will become routine, and on those hard days, remind yourself that you are indeed stronger than you think you are. Hard days come, in every stage of life, and those are the days I like to allow myself a little indulgence; maybe I sleep in for 10 more minutes, or take a little bit of a longer shower & allow the steam to relax me, or pick the kids up from school and grab ice cream. 

Sometimes it’s easier to focus on what’s right in front of you, instead of the whole mountain ahead. What’s the next step? Okay, one foot in front of the other, I can take a few steps and not get overwhelmed. But when I look up the mountain, oh man! That’s another story. If you feel that way today, I encourage you to join me in focusing on the next step, and refocus your attention to what is in front of you right now.

What do you see?

What do you smell?

What texture do you feel?

For me, planning is key. I like to plan out my week so I have structure for me and those around me. If the parents are involved in your grandchildren’s lives, it’s important to map out visits with them and try to maintain a positive relationship with them.

Creating a routine of visits will help when planning out your schedule as well. Adding in exercise to your schedule will help keep you healthy and relieve stress as well; maybe it’s a walk with your neighbor or spouse, or alone- that one thing you get to do alone each day. 

My hope in sharing these tips with you is to remind you that you’re doing a great job (even when it doesn’t feel like it) and remind you that you are not alone. Life does a great job of throwing us curveballs, doesn’t it?


Below are some helpful links and resources available for grandparents raising grandchildren, or anyone parenting a second time. We’re also available to meet with you and walk with you through this season. Please feel free to reach out, we offer telehealth as well if you feel more comfortable with staying home. Call us today to schedule a time to talk: 951-778-0230

~Danisha McCrary, AMFT

Helpful Articles & Resources:

• https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/grandparents-raising-grandchildren.htm

• https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/grandparents.aspx#:~:text=Find%20a%20Support%20System.,sources%20of%20support%20and%20assistance.

• https://acl.gov/programs/support-caregivers/supporting-grandparents-raising-grandchildren-0

• https://www.moneygeek.com/financial-planning/support-for-grandfamilies/

I found my passion for working with children, teens and families when I was a Social Worker for Child Protective Services. These families were struggling with issues of substance abuse, homelessness, mental disorders and traumatic events. As a counselor, I desire to assist families to overcome the obstacles that prevent healing, help manage stressful life events and find new healthy directions in life.

I am fond of saying, “we all can use a little bit of help from time to time; even me.”

Tips on Dealing with Separation Anxiety

As I walk up the stairs my son is twisting and shouting from downstairs. He’s crying like he is in physical pain! But it’s nothing serious, he just wants me to stay downstairs with him. When I go to the restroom, he’s banging on the door demanding to be let in. Oh and most recently, he throws himself on the floor demanding for me to go outside and play with him. I don’t have time, but he refuses to go without me. He wants access to me EVERY MOMENT of the day!

Does this sound familiar?

Your kids

pets

partners

or even yourself?

This is separation anxiety. 

A normal behavior that is traditionally seen in early years for children but can become a problem if the person can’t learn to sooth themselves and regulate their emotions until they are reunited with their caregiver. For most of us, this is an early childhood experience and it ends there, but nationally anxiety rates have increased as a result of covid 19 fears and large populations working from home. 

Signs that someone is struggling with separation anxiety:

• Seeking their comforting object/person, especially when preparing to be left alone

• Crying when the caregiver is out of sight

• Nightmares or refusing to fall asleep without their caregiver present

• Finding reasons that they cannot be left alone (stomachache, hungry, restroom change, etc.) 

• Showing signs that they worry about being alone or being in danger

• Clinging to their caregiver when they return

How do you deal with separation anxiety?

• Do not, I repeat, Do NOT sneak away when your child is not looking. This may seem like the easier way to leave your household, but it reinforces to your child that if they are not alert scary things will happen. They need to mentally prepare for being alone, not feel panicked when they realize they are alone. 

• Be compassionate (towards them and yourself)

• They need to feel safe in their environment, which means predictable and stable

• Manage your own feelings about your loved one crying or possible feelings of guilt. These feelings are normal, and you can normalize for your child that we are all struggling to adjust

• Gradually expose them to time away from you. Start with small trips to boost their confidence

• Find ways to show your loved one that when they aren’t with you that you still think about them 

• Create a transitional object (A security blanket, favorite stuffed animal, etc.) Something to provide comfort while you’re away

For more information see Separation anxiety disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic.

Book an appointment at CCS by calling 951-778-0230

-Vanessa

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Vanessa has been a therapist for nearly 10 years. She provides individual, family, and couples counseling services to people of all ages in both English and Spanish. She periodically runs parenting groups and completes psychological evaluations for immigration cases. In her off time, she enjoys spending time with her family, travelling, tasting new foods, and completing various arts and crafts projects. Provides Services Tuesday-Friday from 9:00am-6pm.

Is it Bad behavior or Sensory Overload?

Does your child have sensory overload? Does he or she display anxiety, irritability, and restlessness, or avoiding specific places or situations, closing their eyes, covering the face, crying, placing their hands over their ears, the inability to converse with others, or connect to them. Do they run away from specific places or situations? Even going to the school or the cafeteria can lead to sensory overload. The sounds of people talking loudly, strong smells of food, and flickering fluorescent lights can trigger feelings of being overwhelmed and uncomfortable.

Do you feel hopeless because you do not have tools to soothe your child in stressful situations?

Your child may be suffering from a sensory processing disorder.
Most commonly found in children with autism spectrum disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, Down syndrome, ADHD, and PTSD. However, a child with a Neurological condition such as Optic Nerve Hypoplasia (ONH), which affects their sight, can also include the sensory processing disorder. Having OHN was the case for my child. Some children will avoid interactions with peers, have a
difficult time holding a conversation, temper tantrums, overall seem withdrawn, and like quiet places. These are all symptoms of sensory processing problems and not just bad behavior by your child.

Below I have provided some tried and true small tips to help you and your child during sensory overload.

• Help your child avoid triggering situations. This was hard for me with my own child because would become frustrated when she did not want to participate in dance classes or talk to her friend or me. She would avoid conversations and lack emotional excitement when introduced to new experiences.

• Give your child the words to explain what is happening and how it feels. When I started to ask my child how she felt, she began to use the words “scared” or “afraid.” Once I knew how she was feeling, we could start to use self-soothing techniques such a deep breathing, etc..

• Validate the child’s feelings and experiences. Let them know you will always love and care for them, and it is okay to be scared sometimes.

• Inform teachers of the possibility of sensory overload and ask for their support in finding a safe place your child could go when he or she is feeling overwhelmed so they could use coping skills to help reduce the symptoms overload. Sometimes just a new placement in a classroom can help. These children should not be in the middle of the classroom. Aim for a corner or by a wall where they will have fewer children directly around them. This little change may provide your child with significant benefits.

• Seek professional help from an individual therapist to assist with coping skills and self-soothing techniques, talk your to child’s pediatrician and ask for a referral to an occupational therapist. Occupation therapists are excellent resources that can give you exercise to help with self-soothing and self-regulation.

Remember that your child is not trying to be difficult, but if you keep in mind “nails on a chalkboard, ”this sensation is often how your child experiences simple things such as talking or moving their desk at school. There is an actual change in the structure of the brain that makes responding to some daily tasks unbearable for these children. With guidance from your child’s medical teams, your child can learn how to respond better to the stimuli of the world around him.

6 Tips to Better Distance Learning for your Child

I was hoping back in March 2020 that before school started again in August, our kids would be back on campus and being able to play with their friends. Maybe I was a bit naive at the time, or perhaps it was just wishful thinking. As a therapist, I see all sorts of families that are struggling with this pandemic. It is not uncommon for people to feel at times scared, anxious, or depressed. We have adapted, but many miss their old life and some sense of control. It is hard for entire families to be at home for so long, and now with the school year starting, the added stress of distance learning is causing many parents to feel overwhelmed, tired, and helpless. 

Many of my parents tell me they are not good at teaching; that is why they became firefighters, nurses, salespeople, or assorted other occupations teachers because they didn’t have the patience to be in a room with 20 kids all asking questions and with the expectation to actually teach something useful. Nevertheless, here we are having to supplement our child’s learning and help them prepare for online schooling. 

Here are a few tips to help you and your child succeed this school year!

Know what the expectations are from the start. Know what your child is responsible for, what time, and what subjects your child will be doing each day. Keep in touch with your child’s teacher and read all the documents created for their learning. Most schools have some type of parent portal; make sure you have registered and are checking it frequently.

Remove distractions. This is often easier said than done. In many families, everyone is at home and there's competition for space on the computer. I have had a few families become super creative and have elevated beds to allow for floor space for a desk.  Others have used “the guest room” or formal living rooms to have a space for each child and working parent. An area that is quiet and comfortable is an absolute must. This one may require you to think way out of the box to get it done.

Limit device screen time. As school time will take up many hours during the day, adding more sitting and screen time from games or TV will create eye strain, inability to focus, and anxiety. The overuse of screen also can negatively affect our brains. Sitting for long periods of time is also not good for our bodies or our mental health. To help combat this, printing out some schoolwork to work on the “old school way” and reading books also helps reset and refresh our brains. Note: I am not saying no to any additional screen time, but do try to limit it. 

Move more! Our bodies were designed to move, and when we don’t, our health suffers. Set up a schedule to allow for recess and non-screen playtime. We all do better with schedules, and working in physical activity into the school or workday is essential. Also note that some children do better standing at their desk while distance learning, you may need to adjust the computer’s height if your student does better standing. 

Attempt to adjust your schedule. If you can take a break when your child does, it will help both of you get more done and you to be less stressed. Try scheduling breaks times and lunch during your child designated time. It will be less chaotic and more fun if you can eat together. Once break time is over, you both can resume your work. 

Sleep. Know how many hours your child should sleep?  The American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) provides some helpful guidelines regarding just how much sleep your child needs depends on their age.  Children ages 6-12 should get 9 to 12 hours, and teens should be getting 8 to 10 hours nightly. We all learn better, have less mental distraction, better mood regulation, and frankly, we all easier to be around when we get the proper amount of sleep. Oh, and by the way, adults need at least 7 to 9 hours to be at our optimum performance.

We some planning, patience, and creativity we will all get through this new challenge. Some days will be easier than others. On those days, give yourself and your child a bit of grace and kindness, knowing that tomorrow will be a new day. 

Welcome to the new school year!

Why you SHOULD be making your bed every day!

During this pandemic with COVID-19, our lives seem to change from day to day, even moment to moment. These new government policies, including self-quarantine, self-isolation, and social distancing, can affect your mental health. It is no wonder why many people are experiencing increased stress, sadness, and anxiety. 

What can a person do during these uncertain times?

One thing you can do is to set up a routine. Did you know the biological clock affects our mental health?! Having a routine helps your biological clock, or circadian rhythm, properly activated. Keeping you happy and healthy. It is essential to keeping your regular sleep and wake times. Another simple task but a must in your daily routine is, making your bed! Making your bed gives you a feeling of accomplishment. This one little task sets the tone for the rest of the day and gives you a sense of pride. Our mothers had it right when they would tell us to make our bed. Having a routine helps you cope with life’s uncertainty and has been proven to reduce stress levels. According to a study by researchers at Tel Aviv University, predictable and repetitive routines are calming and help reduce anxiety. 

What’s your routine?

Another simple thing you can do to relieve stress, anxiety, and yes, even depression, is to change the words you use. For instance, instead of saying, "I am stuck at home." or "I'm bored, and I have nothing to do", change the words to "I have an opportunity to spend time with my kids," or "I have the time to catch up on projects I have been putting off." Changing the words from negative to positive strengthens areas in the brain and helps improve one's cognitive function. Just changing a word from negative to positive automatically enhances your emotional wellbeing. Thoughts can affect your mood. When we have one of these negative thoughts, like “it’s going to be like this forever!” this creates a feeling of hopelessness. Which in turn affects our behavior. For example, you might just lay in bed, not wanting to get up. Then the cycle begins, now you are feeling depressed and not eating or sleeping. This cycle can keep on going around and around. So, how can you stop these negative thoughts? I know this might sound funny but argue with yourself! Tell yourself “no this is only temporary; I should use this time to get stuff done that I have been putting off.” Another way to help is by talking it out. You can talk with a friend, family member, or even your therapist. The nice thing about talking to your therapist is we have a thing call Confidentiality. Which means we cannot discuss what you say to anyone. Of course, there are exceptions. But, the nice thing about talking to a therapist is we won’t tell other family members or friends what you say. We are here to help you process those feelings. Try changing your words, or even arguing with yourself, and see if it helps.  

An additional thing you can do to help with stress is to keep busy! 

There are SO many activities.

Clean out the closet, the one that you keep saying you are going to get to (but never do). Our emotional health is affected by our surroundings. Uncluttering your house can reduce stress! Clutter can distract you, it makes you feel uneasy, and in general, clutter invites chaos into your life. There are several ways to start. Begin with one thing at a time, like organizing your books or cleaning out the utensil drawers. Then move on. A good rule of thumb is if you have not used an item or have not worn that piece of clothing in the last year, get rid of it. Donating unwanted items helps others, and you might be able to get a tax write off for it. 

House already uncluttered?

Well, another thing you can do is, read. How many of us keep saying “oh I have no time to read, but I would like too” well here is your chance! Did you know that reading is therapeutic, it called bibliotherapy (reading therapy). Bibliotherapy has been known to reduce stress, increase empathy, social skills, and interpersonal understanding. So, grab that book! Check out: 100 books to read in your lifetime

Before the Covid-19 our lives kept us so busy. It was impossible to spend a few days uncluttering or a few hours curled up with a good book. Now we are forced to take it slow. Which is not a bad thing. If you still can not think of something to do, I have included a list below just for you. 

Don't pass up the bonding opportunities.

Lastly, since we are all together, make sure to have fun. Spending quality time with our family can improve our mental health. Try play games with the family, this can be done virtually as well. Spend time preparing meals together. Not only does this teach the children how to cook, but it also is building a positive relationship, even if you burn the cookies. These are the things that make memories and something that we can all laugh about later. Did you know that Americans rarely eat together anymore? However, eating at the table together helps us handle the daily stressors of life, build relationships, and provide a space for communication. This gives the family time to come all together in one place, instead of being in separate rooms. Let us try having dinner at the table again. 

 Learn to play again

One of the most important fun activities a family can do together is to take a walk, bike, or even have a dance party around the house. Did you know when we exercise, our brain releases a feel-good chemical called endorphins? These chemicals enhance your sense of wellbeing. Exercising helps take our mind off our worries and is known to reduce anxiety and depression. Let’s get active. Children who spend more quality time doing fun activities with their parents are happier on average than those who spend less time with their parents. Get those board games out or ask your kids how to play Fortnite, Super Mario, or try Drawful. Have fun together with whatever you choose!

Now that you have some tools to help with your feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress that we all feel due to COVID-19; Try them, they just might help. And do not forget, to make your bed! 

Things I can do to help with Anxiety and/or Depression

Create a vision board                                           Do some adult coloring books
 Meditate.                                                               Take a shower
Light a scented candle                                         Sing along to your favorite music
Get enough sleep                                                 Get some exercise
Get on social media (keep the time-limited)       Pet your pet (play with them)
Help someone out.                                                Eat a salad or fruit
Take a nap                                                              Make a journal
Study something new                                           Talk to your therapist
Squeeze a stress ball.                                           Go swimming
Use Essential oils                                                  Drink COLD water
Breathing exercises                                              Try yoga or cha cha
Create a masterpiece                                            Drink herbal tea (have a tea party)
Get some sunshine                                               Go for a walk
Listen to Classical music                                      Play a game
Snuggle under a blanket with a book                  Watch some comedy
Look at old photos                                                 Doodle on paper
Write a letter to your future self                            Clean the house
Phone a friend                                                        Lay on the ground
Read a self-help book                                            Splash cold water on your face
Laugh.                                                                      Have faith in yourself
Close your eyes                                                      Declutter your bedroom
File those papers                                                    Chuck stuff out
Get on the treadmill                                                Start a garden
Try a new recipe                                                      Work on a puzzle
Knit/Crochet/Needlework

Co-Parenting during COVID

It seems this "shelter in place" is a time that is going to tests mom's and dad's nerves when it comes to "custody arrangements". Some of these arrangements have to do with school terms and when parents have made arrangements for custody when school is in or out of session, to attempt to make arrangements helpful for the children and parents. 

Now, since kids are being taught "at home" or homeschooled with check-ins from teachers throughout the week. Parents have had to change custody arrangements. Courts are not in session, so for now, the goodwill of both parents is very important. It should be recognized that most parents are very dutiful about thinking of their children when making new arrangements. "Travel" back and forth for children and parents needs to be one of goodwill and fair understanding of the travel ban in their area.  

When parents don't show "goodwill" to each other, children will feel the tension, (they already have way too much of that in the Pandemic). Kids know when mom and dad don't agree and can't co-parent well.  How to make this fair to everyone should be the concern, especially towards the children's benefit. 
Parents! Here is what you need to do: sit down and have the adult conversation without the children and make sound arrangements. Some parents live very close to one another, but other households might be 20, 30 miles away from children's friends, grandparents or other extended families. Keep these specifics in mind as you discuss arrangements. You can spend tons of money going back and forth with attorneys and the courts. Or you can stop squabbling during this very serious time, and work to have a good plan. Then let the children know why and how these arrangements are in their best interest. Zoom, Skype, or FaceTime, can provide parents and children time to talk when they are at the other parent's home; you can talk about the week or the day together. A parent can call and say good-night to their child. You can help them with homework from the teacher via "connections".

At this time in our world, children need the stability of good, caring parents who can set their differences aside, and come together for the children. 

Want more information? Check out my latest Vlog on this topic: Keeping the kids feeling safe

Lets Focus on the Children

Our world is going through something many of us have not seen in our lifetime. For that reason, we need to focus a bit on our children.  You will notice some of your children are anxious, confused, perhaps having nightmares or not wanting to go to sleep. 

When very young children, 5 and under hear the news over and over again, throughout the day, they believe all this chaos is going on over and over again; they become very anxious and afraid. If you have that young of children, please have them in another room if you going to binge-watch the news.
  
For children 6 through 10, they also may have some of the same reactions. They might stop doing schoolwork, and not wanting to do their chores at home. They may feel guilty and helpless especially if they know someone who has gotten ill or even died. Children also understand the risk their parents are taking if they are essential workers, this can cause them to be extra stressed or worry, understandable of course. 
  
Youth and adolescents 11-19 go through a lot of physical and emotional changes because of their developmental stage. So it may be even harder for them to cope with the anxiety associated with hearing and reading news of the outbreak. Don't forget they have lost a lot too, no promotions/graduations, no prom, no first/last season on the varsity team they worked so hard for. They are grieving those lost memories. 

They may say, "I'm ok" or go into silence when they are upset. They may complain about physical aches and pains. All this, because they cannot identify what is really bothering them emotionally. They may also experience anxiety/depression - start arguments at home with siblings or parents and resist any structure or authority. And, they may try to engage in risky behaviors like drugs and alcohol.

As parents, caretakers, and guardians we want to help, 

With the right support around them, children and teens can manage their stress in response to COVID-19. We want them emotionally and physically healthy.  Perhaps a family "making dinner together" will help, or playing a game of scrabble might just be the right thing. Be a good listener, turn the TV off at times, and bring out the old games that might be familiar to them. They can use hugs, and non-judgemental coaxing.
Often parents on the front line need some "space, time and debriefing" as well and some ways to relax. This is normal and a healthy way to process the stress of the day. Try to maintain consistent routines, let your children know you care and love them, and address your own anxiety and stress, during this debrief.

Sheltering in place means everyone needs some personal space and time.  Find a way to make that happen. Keep things in perspective to relieve your stress. Eat healthy foods, and drink lots of water. Avoid excessive amounts of caffeine and alcohol. Don't use tobacco or illegal drugs. To the best of your ability, get adequate sleep, take breaks throughout the day and add in physical exercise.

We will get through this, eventually, we will come out on the other side stronger. Kids need your help as parents to get them through the other side of this. You can do it.

The three levels of Monitoring Your Children

When it is your time to “watch the kids” it can be exhausting and overwhelming; often keeping you from placing your mind on other things. The real problem is that when it IS your turn… your mind SHOULD be placed ON THE KIDS; rather than your own agenda.

To make this easier, I have a tip that might take the edge off.

Supervision does not take laser-focused intensity: nor does it take exhausting yourself with keeping them entertained. It calls for three levels of monitoring. Each of these levels is necessary; for them AND for you. In order for you to not drive each other “crazy”. Plus the child receives the full benefit of autonomy and parental interaction!

First Level: Monitor from a distance. This allows independent activity for them and the opportunity for you to sit (one of my favorite things, next to crawling in bed). All you do is keep an eye out for trouble in the form of strangers, accidents, and conflicts with peers. This is the time for you to do something like phone calls. Something that can be accomplished without having to take your eyes off your children. This form of supervision encourages creative, independent thought and resiliency.

Second Level: Be a cheerleader. This brings you in (Yes, you have to actually get up and move closer to them.) close enough to laugh with them as they enjoy themselves, encourage them when they are learning a new skill, and intervene if they get in a jam. It also allows you to get to know the other kids that may be around. This is helpful to encourage shy children and build self-esteem.

Third Level: Interactive Parallel-Play (sitting with and doing the same thing, but separately, while monitoring for behavior and safety.) or Cooperative Play (working on the same project, game, or activity together, while monitoring for behavior and safety.). Get in there with them! Climb, pretend, twirl, swing, color, but, most importantly… interact! DO NOT nag, chide, complain, fuss or insult them! Nobody likes having their feelings hurt and nobody likes a fun-sucker! Have fun with them, at their level!

Share in their world of imagination and play. It is a rich, rewarding world that is just as important, and meaningful, as yours! This step encourages bonding and often we transmit our family and personal values to our children as we play.

Play is good for all of us.

My hope is that you take pleasure in monitoring your little ones, learning their ins and outs, and playing with them. They will thrive and grow stronger knowing that you take joy in the time you spend with them!

Mental Illness in My Own Family

One of the hardest things to accept has been the loss of my son to a mental disorder. I remember the day 30 years ago, the day he was born planning his life. I picked out the preschool he would attend, elementary, middle, high school and college with no thought that his path was chosen and I would be the one and other family members adjusting to the changes that were going to affect all of our lives.

I remember thinking and feeling what an angel,

he looked like, rosy cheeks, blue eyes, and brown hair. The perfect child; as infant always smiling, watching observing and being content. He responded to cuddling, kisses from everyone, children and adults with smiles; as he grew the most cooperative, mellow, observant and accommodating child to everyone who came in his presence. I had no idea the changes that were waiting in his future and the devastating effects his illness would play on the family's future.

I was blindsided by his deteriorating behavior towards me and I wondered would I be able to manage the challenges that are not part of normal/regular parenting. This was an eye-opener and a glimpse of what was to come. Two years prior to the decline in his behavior; it started in middle school: skipping classes and being truant to class regularly and lastly not attending his middle school graduation.

I remember looking and searching for him the entire day only to discover he was at a classmate's house smoking marijuana. His delinquent behavior from that moment increased to almost daily defiance. I was at a loss on what to do! The next move was to seek out counseling services but to no avail.

He refused to participate and only resisted my efforts to help him. At that point, I chose to help myself and practice self-care in an effort to deal with the issues to come so I attended counseling to learn coping skills to maintain my own emotional and mental stability.

Without therapy, I don't believe I would have been able to maintain and navigate the challenges that come with parenting a mentally unwell adolescent. My story does not end here and this is only the beginning in a series of articles....

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Danisha McCrary, AMFT knows first-hand how difficult it is to love someone with a chronic mental illness. She has worked with many families that were struggling with issues of substance abuse, homelessness, mental disorders and traumatic events. As a counselor, Danisha assist families to overcome the obstacles that prevent healing, teach people how to manage crisis situations, and find new healthy ways to cope in life. Danisha is fond of saying, “that we all can use a little bit of help from time to time, even me.” If you want to work with Danisha give our office a call.

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By: Danisha McCrary, AMFT

I found my passion for working with children, teens and families when I was a Social Worker for Child Protective Services. These families were struggling with issues of substance abuse, homelessness, mental disorders and traumatic events. As a counselor, I desire to assist families to overcome the obstacles that prevent healing, help manage stressful life events and find new healthy directions in life.

I am fond of saying, “we all can use a little bit of help from time to time, even me.”

 I believe people and families can develop the coping skills needed for healthier relationships. Nobody wants to feel sad, depressed, angry or anxious. I have seen plenty of people get better and enjoy their lives and families again. I believe in hope.

My specialty is working with people from age 5 to 80 who experience depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, feeling stuck, or just can’t find the joy in life anymore.  

I have found children and families can be resilient by participating in therapy and learning the skills needed to recover and manage their life struggles. My priority is to find the best therapeutic model to assist you and your family in healing and developing a healthy relationship. Because we all deserve to feel good about ourselves and have loving and caring friends and family.

How Do Couples Gain Trust When Trust Has Been Broken? And what do therapists do with such a couple……….?

There first needs to be goodwill, and a willingness to want to gain trust on both sides of the aisle. What is goodwill? Goodwill has been defined as friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitudes towards another. Can you tell if you have goodwill towards your spouse?

It can be defined by these three questions.

1. Do you still care about the welfare of your mate or partner?

2. Do you still care, even if you’re no longer in love with someone?

3. Do you want the best for your mate, even if this relationship is over?

The answers to those questions will help you decide if you have goodwill for your partner and if you can jointly start to repair your relationship. If goodwill is present, honesty and truth will be part of your discussion.

This type of communication between partners where both parties are honest and transparent is absolutely necessary. For example, acknowledging the story that brought them to this place, telling the truth and taking responsibility for your own part in this situation.

Why do some people cheat? Or hide their secret lives? Let’s us count the many ways: grief, excitement, boredom, change of life issues, validation you are still sexy or handsome. There is also often a tiny cracks in the relationship where the partners stop listening and responding to each other in positive and caring ways. That is not to say the person that had the person who had the affair is blameless. In fact, just the opposite, they shoulder that blame alone. But their partner also played some role in creating the rift between them.

Here is a typical scenario: “David (not a real person) wanted another life beyond what he had, so the waitress at the local diner was cute, perky, and always had a smile on her face. It started with a wink, leaving a big tip after his meal, chit-chat about the weather, politics, and, the next thing he knew they were at the local motel until the wee hours of the morning. The waitress’s mother took care of her kids, (a second job), and he told his wife he needed to work late on that big project that he had told her about several days ago. Things progressed for a few weeks, and then the 16-year-old son was taking his driving test, and he turned the corner and there was the waitress and his dad in a big hug outside the motel.

Now the son is perplexed, and he has questions, does he tell his mom? Does he honk their car to say hi? Does he text his girlfriend to ask for support? “So now, not only is the man, David and the woman involved, so is David’s teenage son. This type of family situation is often called Triangulation. Triangulation occurs when a 3rd party, in this case the son, is pulled into a conflict or stressful situation. This type of behavior can easily break up a family, cause mistrust, and having a family secret like this can cause depression and anxiety.

Can this family be saved?

Is their goodwill between the man and his wife? Both parties are able to openly and honesty talk about the why of the affair, the boredom in the relationship, the lack of feeling good about one’s self and the decision that lead to the straying. Then this couple has hope. Many couples can’t handle this frank discussion without becoming overly emotional or angry and they need to enlist the services of a trained therapists. Sometimes we can’t see our part in the conflict especially if that person is not the one who cheated. Therapy can help sort out truthful communication, acknowledge the hurt, shame and guilt.

If there is not the basic relationship of goodwill, lasting change in the therapy room will not happen. The breakdown in the relationship happened even further when the wife says, “that’s it, I’ve suspected your cheating for years! Pack up, get your bags, you’re out of here, NOW!”

LGBTQI population is not immune to cheating or having a secret life.

One partner, “Gale” (not a real person) was middle aged and felt she was no longer “cute, perky, and outgoing”. She was married to her wife for 20 years. She was young, looked up to her, flirty, and willing. They had a fling for a few months and ended it. Gale wanted to tell her wife, she felt guilty and ashamed. One night she told her wife Linda about the “fling.” Linda wanted to hear nothing of it and she had “nothing to understand.” Linda’s way to cope was to “Forget about all this and move on.” Gale on the other hand wanted to go to therapy to understand what had happened to her during their 20 years of marriage. She wanted to understand how this young woman was so easy to have a fling with. Linda wanted to forget, “what was done was done.”

Statistics say in general, more men are more likely to cheat than women. Of those reported cheating behaviors, 21% of men and 13% of women (in a General Social Survey, 2016) reported cheating on their spouse, wife, husband, or engaged friend.

Debbie had a secret life which started in teen years. No one knew, and she kept it well hidden, until her husband went into her closet and found the box of memorabilia. He confronted her, and the cat was out of the bag. Now he feels he can’t trust her.

How to regain trust and create good will between the partners?

First, feelings are natural. Stress reactions like shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression, and confusion are all normal. You might feel as if you’re on an emotional roller coaster.

Good self-care is a must, and Revenge is not the answer. There must be a prior history of goodwill and the parties must be willing to move past the behaviors and start to rebuild.

Conversation about boundaries must occur and the 3rd person must be ejected from the couple. If that 3rd person makes, contact immediately that must be shared with the partner and together the couple decide how to respond.

The couple must also agree after a while to move on and to stop punishing each other years later. I know a couple once that talked about the affair like it was yesterday, but it was twenty-five years ago. Trust needs to be reestablished slowly and steadily.

The person that had the affair must also make a written apology that includes they understand the feelings, betrayal and trust that was lost when they choose to stray. Honesty and openness must be part of the apology.

Lastly, consider a good family therapist or Couples’ therapist to assist both partners in this fact finding, sharing, and loving adventure to wholeness. Therapists are trained and experienced in helping couples understand betrayal of trust and honesty. Therapists often uncover a past breach of trust that is still lingering in the marriage today. Therapists are also trained to look at other symptoms that can have a negative effect on the marriage.

If you have experienced an affair and need assistance to rebuild your relationship, we are here to help.

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By Judy McGehee, LMFT

My passion is working with children, teens, adults and couples, who want to build meaning in their lives. Building trust, intimacy, and companionship are most important to me as a therapist.

My relationship in counseling began about 35 years ago in working with families in church settings,in schools, and addiction treatment centers.. I became licensed in 1995, and have found this is the profession I thrive in, and wish for my clients the richness and relationships they are seeking from therapy.

I have also worked in,psychiatric hospitals, and children's centers, and believe my career has been embellished through each and every client I have had the privilege of working with.

I also enjoy being a Clinical Supervisor, and have had the honor of mentoring over 495 Interns/Associates since 1997. I received my Master's Degree from Phillips Graduate Institute, I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) and enjoy the membership of three local chapters of CAMFT.

I look forward to working with you in the future at CCS.

Parent Café: Self-Care

Hi, I am back with more helpful tips and hints, this time for the care providers.  We, as parents, are constantly reminded that our children/child comes first.  That is partially correct as parents; we must remember that our children will need us at peak performance most of the time.  Depending on their age group as to how much direct supervision and energy will be needed.  Albeit it’s hard to find personal time to refuel our energy. We know that spending time with our children helps them to socialize and learn the values of the family as well as community standards. We will not be able to carry out parental duties in an effective manner without self-care.

What is self-care?

 Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health.  Though the question seems relatively simple of just how does a parent juggle all the tasks to do self-care?  Self-care often gets overlooked or dismissed to a later date, often a date that never happens.  Self-care is important for reducing anxiety as well as improving one’s mood. It is necessary for all people but especially for parents.

What isn’t self-care? 

Self-care is not a forced act or something we don’t enjoy doing.  A scholar once explained self-care is “something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.”  https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-self-care-is-and-what-it-isnt-2/

Below are a few helpful self-care tips:

1. One of the main keys to not becoming overwhelmed by the steps in the process of developing a doable self-care plan. Keep it simple. 

2. Developing a self-care plan that can help enhance one’s health, well-being and manage one’s stress. 

3. Identify activities and practices that support your well-being as will assist you in sustaining a positive long-term self-care plan. Improving and increasing your life.

4. Another crucial factor is that a self-care plan is personal to you.  Everyone’s approach will differ and should relate to the needs of you. 

5. Self-care plans are useful for workplace/professional well-being, physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and relationships.  Activities should be tailored to and meaningful to one’s self and intended goals. 

6. Physical self-care should include a regular sleep routine, healthy diet, walk, and exercise. 

7. Psychological self-care consists of reflective journaling, hobby, time away from emails and social media, relaxation, positive interaction with family and friends.

8. Emotional self-care encompasses developing supportive frie­ndships, write three good things that you did each day, play your favorite sport, and talk with friends about how you are coping with life demands. 

9. Spiritual self-care involves reflective meditation, walks, visit your church/mosque/temple, yoga, reflect with a close friend, download the 1 Giant Mind app, and learn mindfulness techniques and its benefits. 

10. Once the plan has been drafted, keep it in a visible location, stick to your plan-practice regularly, and re-assess how you are doing and if it needs adjustments.

11. Once you create your plan, do a cursory check for any barrier that might hinder you from moving forward.  Also, what can you do to remove these barriers?  If they cannot be removed, then one might adjust their self-care strategies. 

12. Finally, relationship self-care involves making close relationships, e.g., partners, family, and children a priority attend dedicated events with family and friends, arrive to work, and leave on time every day.

Access the links below, to download and chart your self-care plan, it is really easy to do.

• https://schools.au.reachout.com/articles/developing-a-self-care-plan

• http://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/developing-your-self-care-plan.html

Another method of self-care that I want to reintroduce are the benefits associated with mindfulness techniques/exercises.  Let’s start with what mindfulness is:  The term mindfulness refers to a psychological state of awareness, the practices that promote this awareness, a mode of processing information, and a character trait. To be in step with up-to-date research, mindfulness means also “a moment-to-moment awareness of one’s experience without judgment”  This definition can be found by clicking here.

Mindfulness-based skills can help both adults and children to cultivate emotion regulation, decreased reactivity, and increased response flexibility, and intrapersonal benefits.

 The 5 most common benefits of mindfulness are:

✔ Decreased Stress

✔ Decreased Depressive Symptoms

✔ Increases Self-Compassion

✔ Improved General Health

✔ Increases Positivity in Mental Health Outcomes

• Deep Breathing (Mindfulness Exercise) promotes:

• Breathing for Enlightenment-develops deep insight

• Breathing for Relaxation-helps quieten and clear the mind

• Breathing to Let Go of Negativity

• Breathing for Inner Peace

• Breathing to Learn about Your Body

• Breathing to Connect Mind and Body

 Source: https://eocinstitute.org/meditation/meditation-and-breathing-benefits-of-mindful-breathing/

Incorporating mindfulness exercises into one’s self-care plan is an added benefit, a benefit that brings positive returns.  As this will, i.e., practicing mindfulness will engender a whole-body healing, relaxation, and a peaceful mind and spirit.  Therefore, one will likely return to the task at hand with an increase in their self-care toolbox, an arsenal of ways to bringing calm, peace, relaxation, and clearer thinking.

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By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC

All people come to counseling to relieve pain and suffering. They feel they have little to no hope left. What they have been doing isn’t working anymore or maybe never did. They feel out of control, scared, and do not know where to turn. Or they may need education in the form of Parenting or Co-parenting classes. Or some just need to work on relationship issues or manage anxiety. Regardless of what brought you to this website I can help. I am caring, understanding and I want you to feel better. I see great things happening for most people within a few sessions. These clients start to feel happy, gain more confident and report they are satisfied with their life. While I cannot guarantee you the same results, I have seen positive results with most clients.

I became a counselor because I wanted to harness great hope and positive energy and to help install healing for my clients. I consider working with people in therapy an honor and privilege to work with each client. In therapy, each person develops their positive mental wellness plan and great growth often takes place.  

I discovered my passion for counseling teens while volunteering for Riverside Youth Probation. I enjoyed seeing these teens learn and grow as they figure out who they will become. I also work with caregivers of dementia clients and I see the struggle to care for their loved one. I frequently work with people that suffer from depression, anxiety and trauma. I have specialized training in trauma, working with children and elder adults.

I am a member of the following professional organizations:

• Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.

• American Counseling Association (ACA).

I look forward to meeting and working with you.