As I walk up the stairs my son is twisting and shouting from downstairs. He’s crying like he is in physical pain! But it’s nothing serious, he just wants me to stay downstairs with him. When I go to the restroom, he’s banging on the door demanding to be let in. Oh and most recently, he throws himself on the floor demanding for me to go outside and play with him. I don’t have time, but he refuses to go without me. He wants access to me EVERY MOMENT of the day!
Does this sound familiar?
Your kids
pets
partners
or even yourself?
This is separation anxiety.
A normal behavior that is traditionally seen in early years for children but can become a problem if the person can’t learn to sooth themselves and regulate their emotions until they are reunited with their caregiver. For most of us, this is an early childhood experience and it ends there, but nationally anxiety rates have increased as a result of covid 19 fears and large populations working from home.
Signs that someone is struggling with separation anxiety:
Seeking their comforting object/person, especially when preparing to be left alone
Crying when the caregiver is out of sight
Nightmares or refusing to fall asleep without their caregiver present
Finding reasons that they cannot be left alone (stomachache, hungry, restroom change, etc.)
Showing signs that they worry about being alone or being in danger
Clinging to their caregiver when they return
How do you deal with separation anxiety?
Do not, I repeat, Do NOT sneak away when your child is not looking. This may seem like the easier way to leave your household, but it reinforces to your child that if they are not alert scary things will happen. They need to mentally prepare for being alone, not feel panicked when they realize they are alone.
Be compassionate (towards them and yourself)
They need to feel safe in their environment, which means predictable and stable
Manage your own feelings about your loved one crying or possible feelings of guilt. These feelings are normal, and you can normalize for your child that we are all struggling to adjust
Gradually expose them to time away from you. Start with small trips to boost their confidence
Find ways to show your loved one that when they aren’t with you that you still think about them
Create a transitional object (A security blanket, favorite stuffed animal, etc.) Something to provide comfort while you’re away
For more information see Separation anxiety disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic.
Book an appointment at CCS by calling 951-778-0230
-Vanessa
Vanessa has been a therapist for nearly 10 years. She provides individual, family, and couples counseling services to people of all ages in both English and Spanish. She periodically runs parenting groups and completes psychological evaluations for immigration cases. In her off time, she enjoys spending time with her family, travelling, tasting new foods, and completing various arts and crafts projects. Provides Services Tuesday-Friday from 9:00am-6pm.