As a parent, you want to do what’s best. It would be easiest if we could treat all of our children the same, however they are each unique individuals. Treating each of them the same will not do. Any parent that has tried this approach knows this does not work well and may have ended up in a big parenting struggle.
You may be thinking “ how does someone not know they are in an abusive relationship?” well the answer at times is not always clear due to the manipulation and gaslighting that can come along with it. I will give some signs that you are in an abusive relationship while describing what types of abuse there are.
Emotional Abuse- There will be some attacks on their partner's self-worth, name-calling and belittling, and humiliation. There may be some accusations for example of cheating or various behavior that are unjust. The abuser will then rationalize their behavior by saying “ relax, it was just a joke.” Or “ you make
me act this way.” Another thing that can happen is in public everything is all smiles and in private, the abuser turns on his partner in these negative and abusive ways leaving the victim feeling confused, worthless, and hurt. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and what this is, is a way to make you feel “crazy.” If
there is something to be true about the abuser and you confront them, they will do whatever it takes to make you feel like you imagined the whole thing and make you question yourself. It will turn you against your own logic, even if the truth is right there in your face and in some circumstances even make your abuser look like “ the good guy.”
Physical Abuse- This will be instances of hitting, kicking, biting, pushing/shoving, throwing objects at them, or harming with a weapon. Using any type of restraints classifies as abuse.
Sexual Abuse- This one is common, yet not talked about often and this looks like where the abuser will force sexual contact ( not just intercourse) on their partner. Treating your partner like a sexual object is also abusive. Using sex to get what you want and assign value and importance to your partner is abusive. Withholding sex and affection as a form of punishment is a way to be abusive as well.
Threats and Intimidation- An abuser might threaten their partner by giving a threatening look or gesture, with the point being they want to instill fear. They might track your every move. They could threaten to destroy your property or harm something or someone they love. This instills fear, anxiety, and panic in their partner.
Isolation- The abuser will isolate their partner from their friends and family. They might do this by limiting or even cutting off all contact from others. They may physically do this, but it is often done by intimation and mind games. They will chip away at their partner's self-esteem so that they are the only person in their partner's world, which is abusive.
Economic Abuse- What this looks like is withholding money from your partner and not letting them get their own job or their own money so that they can be financially dependent on their abuser.
Using Children As Pawns- What this looks like is threatening custody of the children in order to get what the abuser wants. It can also look like criticizing their partner's parenting skills and telling their children lies about the other parent.
It seems this "shelter in place" is a time that is going to tests mom's and dad's nerves when it comes to "custody arrangements". Some of these arrangements have to do with school terms and when parents have made arrangements for custody when school is in or out of session, to attempt to make arrangements helpful for the children and parents.
Now, since kids are being taught "at home" or homeschooled with check-ins from teachers throughout the week. Parents have had to change custody arrangements. Courts are not in session, so for now, the goodwill of both parents is very important. It should be recognized that most parents are very dutiful about thinking of their children when making new arrangements. "Travel" back and forth for children and parents needs to be one of goodwill and fair understanding of the travel ban in their area.
When parents don't show "goodwill" to each other, children will feel the tension, (they already have way too much of that in the Pandemic). Kids know when mom and dad don't agree and can't co-parent well. How to make this fair to everyone should be the concern, especially towards the children's benefit.
Parents! Here is what you need to do: sit down and have the adult conversation without the children and make sound arrangements. Some parents live very close to one another, but other households might be 20, 30 miles away from children's friends, grandparents or other extended families. Keep these specifics in mind as you discuss arrangements. You can spend tons of money going back and forth with attorneys and the courts. Or you can stop squabbling during this very serious time, and work to have a good plan. Then let the children know why and how these arrangements are in their best interest. Zoom, Skype, or FaceTime, can provide parents and children time to talk when they are at the other parent's home; you can talk about the week or the day together. A parent can call and say good-night to their child. You can help them with homework from the teacher via "connections".
At this time in our world, children need the stability of good, caring parents who can set their differences aside, and come together for the children.
Want more information? Check out my latest Vlog on this topic: Keeping the kids feeling safe
Our world is going through something many of us have not seen in our lifetime. For that reason, we need to focus a bit on our children. You will notice some of your children are anxious, confused, perhaps having nightmares or not wanting to go to sleep.
When very young children, 5 and under hear the news over and over again, throughout the day, they believe all this chaos is going on over and over again; they become very anxious and afraid. If you have that young of children, please have them in another room if you going to binge-watch the news.
For children 6 through 10, they also may have some of the same reactions. They might stop doing schoolwork, and not wanting to do their chores at home. They may feel guilty and helpless especially if they know someone who has gotten ill or even died. Children also understand the risk their parents are taking if they are essential workers, this can cause them to be extra stressed or worry, understandable of course.
Youth and adolescents 11-19 go through a lot of physical and emotional changes because of their developmental stage. So it may be even harder for them to cope with the anxiety associated with hearing and reading news of the outbreak. Don't forget they have lost a lot too, no promotions/graduations, no prom, no first/last season on the varsity team they worked so hard for. They are grieving those lost memories.
They may say, "I'm ok" or go into silence when they are upset. They may complain about physical aches and pains. All this, because they cannot identify what is really bothering them emotionally. They may also experience anxiety/depression - start arguments at home with siblings or parents and resist any structure or authority. And, they may try to engage in risky behaviors like drugs and alcohol.
As parents, caretakers, and guardians we want to help,
With the right support around them, children and teens can manage their stress in response to COVID-19. We want them emotionally and physically healthy. Perhaps a family "making dinner together" will help, or playing a game of scrabble might just be the right thing. Be a good listener, turn the TV off at times, and bring out the old games that might be familiar to them. They can use hugs, and non-judgemental coaxing.
Often parents on the front line need some "space, time and debriefing" as well and some ways to relax. This is normal and a healthy way to process the stress of the day. Try to maintain consistent routines, let your children know you care and love them, and address your own anxiety and stress, during this debrief.
Sheltering in place means everyone needs some personal space and time. Find a way to make that happen. Keep things in perspective to relieve your stress. Eat healthy foods, and drink lots of water. Avoid excessive amounts of caffeine and alcohol. Don't use tobacco or illegal drugs. To the best of your ability, get adequate sleep, take breaks throughout the day and add in physical exercise.
We will get through this, eventually, we will come out on the other side stronger. Kids need your help as parents to get them through the other side of this. You can do it.
Supervision does not take laser-focused intensity: nor does it take exhausting yourself with keeping them entertained. It calls for three levels of monitoring. Each of these levels is necessary; for them AND for you. In order for you to not drive each other “crazy”. Plus the child receives the full benefit of autonomy and parental interaction!
Hi, this is Valerie, and I am back this time with more co-parenting tips, as well as more do’s and don’ts. We will begin with a recap of what co-parenting is along with what co-parenting isn’t.
Let us peruse the dictionary definition of co-parent:
The definition of co-parenting is a process where two parents work together to raise a child even though they are divorced or separated and no longer live together. An example of co-parenting is when a divorced mother and father share legal and physical custody of their child.
Two houses - Ten rules for healthy co-parenting:
Don't force your children to choose sides. ...
Opt for a positive tone when you talk to your children about your ex….
Don't make your children your messengers. ...
Detach yourself from your ex-spouse. ...
Limits and expectations for your children. ...
Be a responsible adult…modeling
How does co-parenting work…are you working cooperatively with the other parent-doing and modeling ones best for the benefit of your child/children?
Tips that might help one prepare for their co-parenting obligation
Get your feelings out somewhere else. Never vent to your child. ...
Stay kid-focused. ...
Never use kids as messengers. ...
Keep your issues to yourself. ...
Set a business-like tone. ...
Make requests. ...
Listen. ...
Show restraint.
We will take a brief look at what cooperative parenting…
It is a style of cooperative parenting wherein conflict is low, and parents can effectively communicate about their child/children…Conflicted parenting is the worst for children, who are often thrust in the middle of the conflicts. Children most often adjust to their parent’s divorce or separation much easier when conflict is not a part of the parenting environment.
Granted, cooperative parenting is a challenge, even in the most well-intentions situations can become difficult at times. When parents are raising children in two homes, it can be an incredibly challenging experience for all involved.
I know I mentioned “backpacking” in previous blogs; however, I am compelled to mention it again. I will define what backpacking is and its devastating effects it can have when forming a cooperative co-parenting relationship…
In short, the backpack contents are a collection of real and fantasied hurts, betrayals, ongoing conflict, etc. to sum the backpack contents; it contains a collection of unresolved adult issues. The person did not address during the relationship, or the verbalized discontentment was ignored by the other partner. Therefore, intimacy continues into the co-parenting environment, making it impossible to present a congenial-united, conflict-free environment for the child/children. I have found this to be the most injurious to forming or even understanding the importance of a united front. A conflict-free environment will undoubtedly be the right path to successful co-parenting.
Nevertheless, I found a great article on rules for co-parenting. Below are a few Do’s and Don’ts rules.
RULES FOR CO-PARENTING
Always, the decisions made by the parents will be for your child’s psychological, spiritual, and physical well-being and safety.
Do make and confirm parenting-time arrangements beforehand between the parents without involving your child.
Do notify each other promptly of any need to deviate from the schedule between homes, including canceling time with your child, rescheduling, and punctuality.
Do communicate with your co-parent and make similar rules about discipline, routines, sleeping arrangements, and schedules between homes. Appropriate discipline should be exercised by mutually agreed upon adults.
Do keep your co-parent informed of any scholastic, medical, psychiatric, or extracurricular activities or appointments of your child.
Do keep your co-parent always informed of your address and telephone number. If you are out of town with your child, do provide your co-parent the basic travel itinerary and a phone number so that you and your child may be reached in case of an emergency.
Do refer to your co-parent as your child’s “mother” or “father” in conversation, rather than using “my ex.”
Do not talk negatively, or allow others to talk negatively, about the other parent, his or her family, and friends, or his or her home within hearing range of your child. This includes belittling remarks, ridicule, or bringing up allegations, whether valid or invalid, about issues involving the adults in the co-parenting relationship.
Do not question your child about your co-parent, the activities of your co-parent, or regarding your co-parent’s personal life. In other words, do not use your child to spy on the other parent.
Do not argue or have heated conversations when your child is present.
Do not try to “win your child over” at the expense of your child’s other parent.
Do not schedule extracurricular activities for your child during the other parent’s time without your co-parent’s consent. However, do work together to allow your child to be involved in such activities.
Do not involve your child in adult issues and conversations about custody, the court, or the other parent.
Do not ask your child where he or she wants to live.
Do not attempt to alienate your co-parent from your child’s life.
Do not allow stepparents or others to negatively alter or modify your relationship with your co-parent.
Do not use phrases that draw your child into your issues or make your child feel guilty about the time spent with the other parent. Do not say “I miss you!” Do say, “I love you!”
http://www.childreninthemiddle.com/documents/rulesforcoparenting.pdf
I believe that co-parenting in a congenial environment is possible; just as I believe for some, it is virtually impossible. As individuals, I will let you be the judge of the that.
Hope to see you in co-parenting class!
By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC
All people come to counseling to relieve pain and suffering. They feel they have little to no hope left. What they have been doing isn’t working anymore or maybe never did. They feel out of control, scared, and do not know where to turn. Or they may need education in the form of Parenting or Co-parenting classes. Or some just need to work on relationship issues or manage anxiety. Regardless of what brought you to this website I can help. I am caring, understanding and I want you to feel better. I see great things happening for most people within a few sessions. These clients start to feel happy, gain more confident and report they are satisfied with their life. While I cannot guarantee you the same results, I have seen positive results with most clients.
I became a counselor because I wanted to harness great hope and positive energy and to help install healing for my clients. I consider working with people in therapy an honor and privilege to work with each client. In therapy, each person develops their positive mental wellness plan and great growth often takes place.
I discovered my passion for counseling teens while volunteering for Riverside Youth Probation. I enjoyed seeing these teens learn and grow as they figure out who they will become. I also work with caregivers of dementia clients and I see the struggle to care for their loved one. I frequently work with people that suffer from depression, anxiety and trauma. I have specialized training in trauma, working with children and elder adults.
I am a member of the following professional organizations:
Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.
American Counseling Association (ACA).
I look forward to meeting and working with you.
