Parenting . . . the struggle is real.
The best parents want to fulfill the needs of their children. Do they realize that means the psychological needs to be seen, feel safe, secure and soothed when it’s needed? Possibly. Some parents appear more natural than others.
As a parent, you want to do what’s best. It would be easiest if we could treat all of our children the same, however they are each unique individuals. Treating each of them the same will not do. Any parent that has tried this approach knows this does not work well and may have ended up in a big parenting struggle.
According to the American Psychological Association there are several different parenting styles:
Authoritative – nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet sets firm limits for their children. They attempt to control children’s behavior by explaining rules, discussing, and reasoning. Don’t worry – it doesn’t mean they always accept the child’s viewpoint, but the parent does listen.
Permissive - parents are warm but lax. They fail to set firm limits, to monitor children’s activities closely or to require appropriately mature behavior of the children.
Uninvolved – parents are unresponsive, unavailable and rejecting. This is a close cousin to Authoritarian.
Authoritarian – is an extremely strict parenting style that places high expectations on children’s with little responsiveness. The focus tends to be on obedience, discipline, control rather than nurturing the child (www.webmd.com definition)
The authoritarian and uninvolved parenting results in children with low self-esteem and little self-confidence and seek other, often times inappropriate, role models to substitute for this neglectful parent.
Permissive parents tend to have children that are impulsive, rebellious, aimless, domineering, aggressive and low in self-reliance, self-control and achievement.
Ideally, we would have children that are friendly, energetic, cheerful, self-reliant, self-controlled, curious, cooperative and achievement-oriented that have strong emotional intelligence. This child of the authoritative parent.
Great! Now that we’ve defined an effective parenting style how do we achieve this if we have not experienced this ideal parenting style in our own lives?
How are you consistent in method yet unique to each child? It’s a tough question.
The Nurtured Heart Approach (NHA) can achieve this parenting need.
The Nurtured Heart Approach was created for those helping the difficult or intense child. According to the creator, Howard Glasser, it’s about seeing what’s right in the child in front of you and using emotionally nutritious words to recognize them. The Nurtured Heart Approach consists of a set of strategies that assists children in further developing their self-regulation and has been found effective with children of all ages. It focuses on transforming the way children perceive themselves, their caregivers and the world around them. Children learn to understand that they will receive endless amounts of praise, energy, recognition and reward through the positive behavior they display and this supports children to build a positive portfolio of themselves, which we call “Inner Wealth™.”
The basic tenets of this type of parenting are to:
refuse to energize negativity
relentlessly energize the positive
clearly but un-energetically enforce limits
For more information on the Nurtured Heart Approach please visit www.ChildrensSuccessFoundation.com
An educator, Yael Walfish, wrote a book, Menucha for Menucha. (Menucha means peace.) It’s a book that shows a smart, creative young lady getting frustrated and how her parents explain the limits, recognize her efforts and strengths to control herself in her frustrating moments. In time, these intense moments lessen. She has success in resetting and eventually eliminating this behavior.
Through the Nurtured Heart Approach we can train our mind to see the good in everything and bring about a transformation where all children are flourishing.
What if we were to treat our children with respect and love, and also appreciate each child with their own unique strengths and abilities?
Potentially, this would ward off many of the mental health challenges of adulthood. Using these techniques is a step in the right direction to helping our children to become adults that feel seen, safe, soothed and secure (neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel’s 4 S’s), and then these same adults will be able to go into the world and do the same for others.
Win - Win.
~Amanda
Resources:
The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind.
https://childsuccessfoundation.org/
https://menuchapublishers.com/products/menucha-for-menucha?_pos=1&_sid=7d6056761&_ss=r
I provide counseling to individuals (adults and children) and couples. I’ve treated a wide range of challenges, mental health matters, adjustments to life’s hurts, and trauma.
Common trauma symptoms: panic attacks, chronic pain, rage, substance abuse, numbing, depression, nightmares, anxiety, and/or hopelessness.
When my loved one struggled with mental illness I received training and experience with leading classes for National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) family programs and peer support groups. I am certified as an Anger Management Facilitator and SMART Recovery. Besides a Loma Linda University Master's degree, I have specialized training in Postpartum Support International’s Perinatal Mood Disorders Component of Care and Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CF CBT).