With Father’s Day approaching many people are reminded of the presence of their father in their lives. Through history the importance of a father’s role in the family had been seen as primarily a provider and disciplinarian rather than a caretaker. In more recent times, it has been seen that father’s who are emotionally present and active in the child’s life can make a profound positive impact.
As we know, having both parents in the home would lead to increased emotional wellness and likely lead to an improved outcome for the children involved. Unfortunately, the CDC reports that there were 6.1 marriages per 1,000 people in 2019 and 2.7 divorces/annulments per 1,000 people in the same time frame. While not every divorce that was mentioned involved children in the home it is likely that there are fewer complete households than in the past.
As a father myself I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not be engaged in my children’s lives on a day-to-day basis.
Just like most things in life, we tell ourselves “if that happened to me I wouldn’t do that, I’d be involved in my kid’s life.” However, life tends to throw us twists and turns and we may end up in a place that we didn’t expect. For some fathers they have difficulty maintaining positive relationships with their children after a divorce or separation which is due to any number of reasons. That distance can have a negative impact on the children involved who are left to wonder what led for this situation to come to pass and what does that mean for them. While society is quick to minimize the impact that a divorce or separation has on children I would challenge them to review how many children from single parent household are treated for emotional and behavioral problems 1, engaged in criminal activity 2 and more likely to drop out of high school 3.
My point with this is to say that for those who have father’s whom are present, engaged and well-balanced likely have a more secure attachment, useful social skills and better able to pass along those experience to their children. My goal would be to help those who want to become more balanced for themselves and their partner. We may not have had the well-balanced experiences that we wished had, but we can take steps to become the parents we wish we had. This work we do on ourselves will likely pay dividends to future generations as well.
If you were to take a walk through the downtown of any metropolitan city you’re likely to see people who are struggling and having difficulties in their day-to-day lives. We don’t know their history or life circumstances, but it is likely that they don’t or didn’t have the support of their family or significant others at critical points in their lives.
We could spend hours ruminating on the “what ifs” and “if onlys,” but that doesn’t change the objective reality of the present moment. Negative experiences such as abuse, absenteeism and addiction tend to reoccur through generational trauma (i.e., “it happened to me and I just had to deal with it”).
While we are not responsible for the circumstances of those negative experiences, we are responsible for how we let them continue to impact our lives. Every day that we are alive we have the opportunity to develop awareness into our behaviors and attitudes. Once we begin to challenge our automatic thoughts and reactions we’ll be better equipped to take different actions and develop the change necessary to improve our lives and the lives of those around us.
I recognize that some people may not have positive relationships with their biological father. My hope is that there is a father figure involved who may also provide that structure and support. The idea is to celebrate those in our lives who are taking the time to be present and committed. Father’s who have overcome their own setbacks and obstacles have such an opportunity to change the cycle. In some ways, these father’s can share their experience with their family in an open and honest way to strengthen these relationships and likely reduce the chance that their children would have those same negative experiences.
For anyone who is seeking support to develop skills and better manage relationships and communication to reducing anxiety and depression please do not hesitate to contact me or the staff at Central Counseling Services at 951-778-0230 to make an appointment.
1 Deborah A. Dawson. “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-Being: Data from the
1988 National Health Interview Survey on Child Health,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol.
53, No. 3 (August 1991), pp. 573–584.
2 Chris Coughlin and Samuel Vuchinich, “Family Experience in Preadolescence and the
Development of Male Delinquency,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 58, No. 2 (1996), pp.
491–501.
3 Timothy Biblarz and Greg Gottainer, “Family Structure and Children’s Success: A Comparison
of Widowed and Divorced Single-Mother Families,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 62
(May 2000), pp. 533–548.
Eric Ontiveros, LCSW
"YOU HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED THIS MOUNTAIN TO SHOW OTHERS IT CAN BE MOVED." - UNKNOWN
I want to be present with others while they take amazingly courageous steps towards self-awareness. I enjoy being a therapist as I can witness others take possession of their lives and create change through action. I am hopeful that I may be able to help unlock the power of healing within each client so that they would relieve themselves of the need to have therapy. I hold myself to a high standard such that client care is my utmost priority. I work towards maintaining professional and ethical values to reduce any conflicts and best support the client.
I have worked for nine years within the Riverside County Mental Health Department conducting individual therapy, group therapy, and emergency interventions. I completed my undergraduate degree in psychology in 2008 from the University of California, Riverside. I received my Master of Social Work degree in 2012 from Loma Linda University. I attended three years of training in Gestalt Therapy at Gestalt Associates Training, Los Angeles.
I specialize in helping my clients better managing their anxiety and depression by developing awareness regarding problematic activities or beliefs. I have worked with couples to improve communication and assist w/ processing emotional content.
I am hopeful that we can work together so that you may find your path through this troubling time. You are not alone. Life has given everyone obstacles; whatever yours are they can be overcome.
Call our office at (951) 778-0230 to set up an appointment. The office is open seven days a week, and I am available on weekdays and have opened my calendar to allow for highly requested evening appointments. I will see you soon.