What’s wrong with wanting things to be perfect?

Have you already started to feel the pressure of hosting for the holidays? Or maybe you just want

your dish to be the absolute best? Even staying home and trying to salvage the holiday spirit can

be challenging for someone struggling with perfectionism. Most of us want to make a good

impression, but this is not the same as wanting to be perfect.

While doing your personal best is a great goal, it is possible to reach unrealistic expectations, as

in expecting flawlessness. While some people with the condition of OCD might strive for

perfection, perfectionism itself is not a condition. Perfectionism is a personality trait. For many,

doing their personal best is a sign of success and healthy determination, but for some the feelings

of disappointed for anything less than exceptional can be daunting.

Perfectionism is exhausting! You might find yourself starting over completely regardless of how

many compliments you receive. It feels like a never-ending race because the finish line is always

being moved every time a new idea or criticism pops into your mind.

In, The Gifts of Imperfection, psychologist and professor Brené Brown explains that “Shame is

the birthplace of perfectionism.” Meaning that the goal of perfectionism can be to avoid feeling

judgement and trying to earn someone’s approval. The perfectionism is meant to cover up our

own insecurities by not letting them see the real us.

So, how do you fight this desire to be perfect? Allow yourself to be enough just as you are.

Rather than focus on being perfect, focus on being the best version of you. That is enough! There

is no competition. Your value is not determined by how much others approve of you or are

impressed by you.

Here is a list of statements and suggestions you can try if you’re struggling with perfectionism

• “I can accept that others believe I have done a great job, even if it is hard for me to agree.”

• “Thoughts are just thoughts – they’re not necessarily true or factual”

• “This is difficult and uncomfortable, but it’s only temporary”

• What would I say to a friend if they were in this position?

• Ask someone you trust for an objective opinion

• Pointing out all of the things that you did like about your project/performance

Check out https://hbr.org/2019/04/how-to-manage-your-perfectionism for more tips on how to

overcome your perfectionism. *Non-Affiliate link*

Five tips on how to deal with toxic family members during the holidays

Families members are the people who can find the buttons we have and push them as though they were on an elevator. A perfect time for family members to do that are on holidays when everyone is stressed, anxious and exhausted. Toxic family members are known for ruining perfectly good holiday moments as a sort of sport.

One of the most upsetting aspects of being around a toxic family can often be that you feel like you have no control.

Let’s set the scene; you go to grandma’s house and there is aunt Rachel in all her glory ready to start commenting on everyone’s biggest insecurities; you aren’t in your own home so that makes you more vulnerable to begin with; you look on your Facebook and you see everyone else’s families are enjoying themselves so you think to yourself “well, I guess seeing aunt Rachel can’t be THAT bad.” What comes next is right, aunt Rachel isn’t THAT bad, she’s worse and all you are left thinking is “how do I get out of here with some dignity intact?”  The truth is you will never be able to control other people but with these tips you can control how you respond to those tricky family situations.

1. Be aware of your triggers - What this means is if you know aunt Rachel is going to comment on your haircut, don’t open yourself up to that. If she starts asking about your hair, excuse yourself, or change the subject entirely. If she manages to sneak in a passive-aggressive comment, give the least amount of emotional attention to it because the reaction is what toxic people thrive on most of all.

2. Do your own self-care - What this means is to make sure you are keeping your mental health intact the best way possible by keeping stress down. Go to your yoga class, or going out with friends and surrounding yourself with people who care about you, so when aunt Rachel is at it again, you can text your best friend your favorite explicit emoji and she “gets” it.

3. Set reasonable expectations - This means understanding how your family is and accepting it. You don’t have to like it but you do need to accept it and understanding that they won’t change. Stop setting the bar so high; because these toxic people can’t meet it. If there is any real change with your family members, it is better to be pleasantly surprised, than having to be stressed with your toxic family members. Just focus on surviving the event, and consider anything else positive that happens a bonus. Think of this as looking at the big picture; aunt Rachel is just behaving as she always has.

4. Keep your boundaries - Ask yourself if you even really need to be there in the first place. Have you hit the point where you cannot handle being around your family without having severe panic attacks or a colossal guilt trip?  Then better to skip the event, stay home or better yet, go spend the holiday with your favorite people. Skipping the event altogether is way better than you being upset the entire time you are there. Having that sick feeling in your stomach or feeling beat-up emotionally is simply not worth it. Sometimes it is healthier to let yourself have your own space from those family members. Thinking about attending only when the toxic behaviors changes, never lower the boundaries and your expense.

5. Keep conversations light - Everyone has triggering conversations and one way to avoid this is to keep conversations light; movies, weather, do not talk about politics, religion, money or about other people that are not present. These topics have a lot of emotions tied to them and it is easy to get caught up and then feel badly after the conversation.

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By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment- it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.