How ‘Meaning’ Impacts Relationships
In the 80s, there was a TV sitcom called ‘Webster’ based on a married couple who adopted a young boy (Webster) after the boy’s parents died in an accident. Webster called his adoptive parents George and Ma’am. In one episode, the adoptive mother, Katherine, asks Webster why he refers to them this way.
The Meaning Response
Years later, it’s amazing to me that I recall anything specific from the show, but this scene is still with me because of the dramatic emotional turn it represented. We could see Katherine’s confusion and dismay about Webster seemingly opening up to George but continuing to call her by a very formal name.
As I remember it, Webster solemnly replies that he calls Katherine ma’am because it sounds like “mom.” With this one simple statement, Katherine’s perspective changes drastically - she sees her relationship with Webster, and herself, in a completely different way. And we know it has hit her hard because of her facial expression.
This is an illustration of a psychological concept called the ‘meaning response.’
The basic idea of the meaning response is that our interpretation of things can affect our response and what follows. There are so many examples of how the meaning response impacts our lives. In fact, this idea describes a fundamental human experience.
We can have very different responses to situations based partly on how we interpret someone else’s actions. A reasonable response to a partner’s behavior might be “she’s angry at me” or “she has a prickly personality” or “she is having a bad day” and so on. Our inner responses to these different interpretations can steer our relationships and inner thoughts in very specific directions, both helpful and unhelpful. When considering the above thoughts, our reactions might be “I’m angry at her too!” or “I need to avoid her” or “she’s hangry, it will be more pleasant after lunch.”
Perhaps the most well-known form of the meaning response is the ‘placebo effect.’ This describes the way a person’s health responds to their expectations. In other words, things that can affect our physical health include our expectation or belief that a thing can make life better or worse, as measured by medical science.
Meaning Impacts the Health of Relationships and Individuals
The meaning response is an important factor in the areas of mental health, especially in emotional connection with others or when there is family conflict. People come to psychotherapy to improve their lives in a wide variety of ways. Some of these are very clear and well-defined, and others are less tangible. One of the many ways a therapist can help is by shining a light on ‘meaning’ in the life of the individual, couple, or family. The process of therapy can help uncover beliefs and expectations that maintain conflict patterns between partners or family members.
In the psychotherapy world, ‘trauma’ is usually understood in terms of a person’s response to an event or events, and it is understood that two people who witness or experience the same event can and do have very different ‘trauma’ following the event. One reason for the difference may be the meaning response - personal meaning can change the outcomes drastically.
It should be noted that while the meaning response influences overall individual and relationship health, it is only one of many factors. If we are not careful, talking about belief and expectation as a factor in whole person health can sound like blame, as in “it is my fault because I don’t believe I can get over this.” It can lead to ‘magical thinking’ that relies on belief, setting intentions or ‘manifesting,’ prayer, and other mental processes alone. And it can overshadow very influential factors like low socioeconomic status, marginalization, discrimination, lack of support from family and friends, and many other problems.
Why Meaning Matters in Family Conflict
A Black orphan boy calling a white woman something close to “mom” brings up serious questions about “white savior” media narratives that can also be important to address in talk therapy and elsewhere. But that is a topic for another post. In this 22-minute episode of Webster, it’s easy to sit back and watch a very tidy story unfold: Katherine asks… Webster replies… Katherine’s face softens, the audience sighs… and fade to black. In real life, we don’t have professional writers feeding us lines to resolve fights or misunderstandings. In real life, it’s rarely this simple to watch the meaning response impact an individual or a relationship so decisively. In real life, maybe Katherine would feel rejected by Webster and argue with George instead of asking the boy directly. Maybe Webster would say “I don’t know” or change the subject or act out by bullying a classmate or hiding in his room.
It is in real-life situations like these that a therapist can help a client sort through communication breakdowns and difficult behaviors. Working with a therapist can help by focusing our attention on the meanings that bring us closer to those we want to connect with. This work can help us identify our values and set healthy boundaries to bring ourselves closer to them.
Webster’s comment to “Ma’am” was a moment of change. She suddenly understood Webster’s perspective very differently. From Katherine’s perspective, everything before that moment was colored by questions about her connection with the boy. Afterwards, we can imagine that she became more accepting, tolerant, patient with Webster, and perhaps even that she began to see him more completely as a whole person. Because of the meaning response and the change of attitude we can see in Katherine and individuals who benefit from such change in therapy, challenging relationships and individual health can be transformed.
Reference: Locher C, Meier S, Gaab J. Psychotherapy: A World of Meanings. Front Psychol. 2019 Mar 22;10:460. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00460. PMID: 30984050; PMCID: PMC6448000. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6448000/