Here come the holidays, again, and acknowledging grief at this time of year can be kind of awful. It can be awkward as some of us stumble over what to say. Do we just keep busy and hope nobody will bring it up? Whether you’re grieving or know someone who is, learn the tools to manage grief and the holiday season.
What is important in any culture, I think, is taking care of ourselves in difficult times. Partially this might be accomplished by having your family and/or friends around you for support. But selfcare also consists in making sure we eat, get sleep, regular medical care and hopefully are able to go outside in the fresh air. Let's work on creating the tradition of self-care.
The COVID-19 pandemic has disrupted everyone’s sense of stability, structure, and sense of control. This long-drawn-out time of uncertainty, combined with the social distancing that keeps us away from family, friends, and normal activities, has taken a significant toll on us physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. However, there is hope for the New Year, and this blog can help you nurture it.
Hope is always important in our lives, but now it is more critical than ever. Hope can help you fight off depression and anxiety. Hope can motivate you to achieve your goals. Hope can help you be more resilient when we face challenging times. Hope can help you focus on the reality that you need to keep yourself safe by taking the health precautions recommended by the CDC and state and local governments.
Pause and Acknowledge – Speak in truth and acknowledge what our experience was like this past year. Recognize that there have been challenges, difficulties, sadness, and many things that we had no control over. It’s ok. To reflect on these things, and we also need to choose to move forward, as well.
Identify the Gifts and Positive Experiences – Acknowledge that there also were some things that we experienced that may have been positive, lessons learned, opportunities given, and personal growth. So it’s important to take some ownership of these things as well instead of focusing only on the negatives.
Be Intentional – Incorporate what we want to focus on for the New Year. We can evolve and develop a new sense of self and be realistic about what we can change, yet not expect to change everything. Be careful about referring to Resolutions and instead be willing to have Evolutions in the New Year. Select 1- 2 things that were lessons that can apply towards wisdom and growth in this NewYear.
Expect and Hope for Good things to come – Love unconditionally, learn self-
acceptance, improve self-worth and self-esteem, reduce stress, anxiety and
depression, offer grace to yourself, and recognize life offers us choices, and we
can decide how we want to live it.
Three Lessons I learned in 2020?
The gifts of 2020 that I am carrying over into 2021?
My thoughts about evolving instead of resolving?
A few things I hope to grow through in 2021?
My hope for 2021?
Make these a part of your goals for the New Year and celebrate that you made it through last year which was not easy. Believe in yourself and know that you are stronger than you may realize and have much to offer and accomplish in the New Year.
It often takes more courage to have hope than not because you are being asked to look into the unknown and still believe all things are possible. Sometimes it is only hope that feeds our spirits and launches us to find the strength and power to carry on.
If we are hopeful, can bad things still happen in life? Yes, but we must remember good things happen too, and sitting around feeling hopeless doesn’t help anybody. Feeling hopeful can help you develop a more open mind, which can help you access more possibilities, making it more likely you will find a resolution to your problems or a new way to live with whatever you face in the New Year.
As Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Everything that is done in the world is done by hope.” So, let’s try to be more hopeful in 2021 because hope is the beginning of all that’s possible to make the world a better place for everyone.
Wishing all of you a Happy, Hopeful and Healthy New Year!!!!
-Tosha M. Owens, MA, APCC
How many of you can recall when you would hurt yourself when you were young? Perhaps falling while playing or taking a spill off your bike? For some, although the hurt caused a tear or two to fall, the best thing about it was when our favorite loved adult would “kiss it to make it better”. Often, we wouldn’t even need a Band-Aid or a visit to the doctor like we so desperately claimed. What was wanted was that squeeze after the Band-Aid, that high-five after the tears, even simply sitting next to our loved one and feeling them there - that touch from that other person with whom we were close and loved held and carried a healing power.
Children who are struggling with attachment disorders, people who have been victims of sexual assault or rape, and similarly, folks who battle with various levels of anxiety can benefit from the healing power of touch. It is often assumed that it is babies who primarily benefit from touch and mainly from their mothers (or primary caregivers). And, while this still holds truth, there are so many other opportunities that can provide healing. Just a few examples are pain reduction, creating safer spaces, improve relationships between not just couples but also other dyads (siblings, parent/child, etc.). Research has even shown that when a child is struggling in school, a small, simple touch on their shoulder from their teacher can provide just the right amount of encouragement to allow the child to begin to soar in their studies.
Here are 4 simple reasons to consider the powerful, healing properties of the human touch:
1: Touch releases a chemical in our brains called oxytocin. This chemical is like the cuddle switch. When touch is wanted or desired, oxytocin is released. Just 20 seconds of affectionate touching is enough to reduce our stress hormone and increase our cuddle hormone. This can manifest safer spaces and increase trust, as well.
2: When stress levels due to trauma or anxiety are at an all time high, our ability to experience what may seem to be compassion is muddled; especially when it is brought to us through only the spoken word. It may seem silly but when words fail, touch may be the answer. Touch can trigger our vagus nerve (the nerve that runs from the brain to the belly, passing the heart along the way), thus allowing us to be receptive to and to respond with compassion.
3: Not only can touch allow us to feel compassion, it also reduces stress. Our stress hormone, cortisone, increases when we experience anxiety, trauma, stress from taking a test, falling off our bikes, etc. A touch, even one that happens by accident, can reduce that stress hormone and lower blood pressure. This means a happier heart. Image the anxiety beginning to creep in because of a memory that has begun to invade your thoughts. You are walking around work or school and can’t seem to calm it down. Someone needs to walk past you and, gently, presses their hand on your arm to excuse themselves around you. That one slight touch is just enough to not only distract you from your thoughts but also to decrease that cortisone that is about to sky high.
4: Touching between couples can increase trust, promote communication, and can improve relationship satisfaction. Even the simple act of holding hands while watching a movie or hugging for just 20 seconds before leaving for work can begin to create that bond between couples. This bond can be the foundation in which trust is rebuilt, safety is re-established, and communication is opened.
Everyone has a built in need to be touched, and yes, from birth. However, it does not end once we reach a specific age. It is a life-long desire for touch. When it is practiced appropriately and respectfully, the human touch can be powerful healing aspect of the human experience.
By Léah Almilli
Is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist. She works with children as young as 6 and adults as old as 88. She is fluent in American Sign Language and she teaches ASL at the local community college. Léah like to help people grow and feel better about themselves. Léah offers a holistic, client-centered approach to the process, allowing each person the opportunities to discover how their pasts can lead into their futures. Léah makes her therapy rooms warm, welcoming, non-judgmental, and compassionate to ensure that the clients can feel safe to explore what is needed.
As a licensed therapist I noticed a lot of my clients were perplexed when I asked them about their self-care practices. That led me to write this blog. Neglecting yourself doesn't make you better at caring for others, self-care does. It gives you the resilience and positivity necessary to pour into others without acrimony and antipathy. Usually self-care brings up thoughts of extravagant vacations or spa days. I'm here to tell you that self-care is much easier than that.
Self-care is:
Getting a good night’s sleep restores cognitive functions.
Stop trying to please everyone.
Setting boundaries and knowing that you are setting boundaries to protect yourself and not to benefit others.
Exercising at least 3 days a week improves happiness.
Eat well. Carbohydrates aid in the release of endorphins.
Laugh more, it strengthens the immune system and boosts energy.
Learn to sit with yourself, reading, watching Netflix, or listen to music.
Disengage from toxic people and relationships.
Cut out words or pictures from a magazine, write about the meaning to you in a journal. Example a picture of a 2019 Lexus, this is my future car. Dream!
Take time at the end of your day and write down what you’re grateful for.
I bet if you think about it you may have self-care skills that you do include in your life; sometimes. I am encouraging you to include self-care daily. Write down a few that your really enjoy. Maybe it’s that hot bath with lots of bubbles or that morning run. It doesn’t matter what you choose, it only matters that you do.
If you are having difficulty with your self-care or need help with other problems that are getting in the way of your self-care, call me or one of the therapists on my team and let’s begin the most important work for you.
by Regina Kennedy, LMFT
I became a therapist because I want to help people who want to change their lives. I am a compassionate, direct and interactive therapist. I value optimism, truth, and authenticity.
My therapeutic approach is warm, but always direct and honest to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address their treatment goals. I offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client's unique needs. My specialties include working with Adults, children and adolescents, families, crisis intervention, and substance abuse. I am Certified as a Substance Abuse Counselor.
