What Are The Green Flags?

By now most people have heard “red flags” in relationships and “ what makes a relationship toxic or unhealthy?” Well, I am now going to put another spin on it and we are going to talk about “ green flags”. You may be asking, “ what is a green flag?” A green flag is a sign that this person may very well be a decent partner for you.

Below are 10 green flags in relationships that make them strong and healthy.

1. Feeling good when being around each other is a huge green flag; when you each take pleasure in being around and sharing space with one another. Feeling happy, confident, safe, and being able to laugh together is an important part of a relationship and enjoying that person's company.

2. Being able to let your guard down and be vulnerable with that person is a green flag. When you are able to be comfortable enough with your partner that you can share unpleasant feelings or experiences, that is a green flag.

3. Getting reassurance from your partner is a deeper level of intimacy and that is a green flag. When there is a lot of communication, understanding, and listening between the two of you, you are in green flag territory.

4. Adapting to change in a healthy manner is a green flag. Relationships change and adapt over time. Relationships go through struggles but it is HOW you deal with those struggles where the green flags come in. when you can be open and discuss each others opposing opinions about things, take accountability, be respectful to one another during an argument, these are skills that have evolved your relationship into something more intimate and deeper.

5. Showing gratitude is another green flag. Having someone who is positive and appreciates the things you say. Whether it's sending them a song that makes you think of them, or simply saying thank you, is important.

6. Sharing common goals and values is a green flag. When your partner can support you on the things that are important to you, that is very important in a relationship.

7. Being able to be your true authentic self with no ridicule or judgment is an important green flag. Never underestimate the power of your partner letting you be your silly self without judging you.

8. Being challenged in a relationship is also a green flag. When you are able to be empowered by your partner or able to engage in teamwork with your partner, these are important. Encouraging each other to follow your dreams is a big green flag.

9. Being able to sacrifice for the relationship, while still remaining independent is a green flag. There may be things you will need to sacrifice to maintain the other person being kept as a priority, but keeping your independence is a good balance and a good example of keeping a healthy boundary.

10. Communication is a green flag. Being consistent with calls and texts, and being tuned in to each other when engaged in conversation is important.

It is just as important to recognize the good in relationships as it is to find the red flags. Being able to analyze these and have self-awareness is an important part of mental health.
For more ways to gain self-awareness book an appointment at CCS by calling 951-778-0230

Signs of an Abusive Relationship- Take the quiz!

You may be thinking “ how does someone not know they are in an abusive relationship?” well the answer at times is not always clear due to the manipulation and gaslighting that can come along with it. I will give some signs that you are in an abusive relationship while describing what types of abuse there are.

Emotional Abuse- There will be some attacks on their partner's self-worth, name-calling and belittling, and humiliation. There may be some accusations for example of cheating or various behavior that are unjust. The abuser will then rationalize their behavior by saying “ relax, it was just a joke.” Or “ you make
me act this way.” Another thing that can happen is in public everything is all smiles and in private, the abuser turns on his partner in these negative and abusive ways leaving the victim feeling confused, worthless, and hurt. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and what this is, is a way to make you feel “crazy.” If
there is something to be true about the abuser and you confront them, they will do whatever it takes to make you feel like you imagined the whole thing and make you question yourself. It will turn you against your own logic, even if the truth is right there in your face and in some circumstances even make your abuser look like “ the good guy.”

Physical Abuse- This will be instances of hitting, kicking, biting, pushing/shoving, throwing objects at them, or harming with a weapon. Using any type of restraints classifies as abuse.

Sexual Abuse- This one is common, yet not talked about often and this looks like where the abuser will force sexual contact ( not just intercourse) on their partner. Treating your partner like a sexual object is also abusive. Using sex to get what you want and assign value and importance to your partner is abusive. Withholding sex and affection as a form of punishment is a way to be abusive as well.

Threats and Intimidation- An abuser might threaten their partner by giving a threatening look or gesture, with the point being they want to instill fear. They might track your every move. They could threaten to destroy your property or harm something or someone they love. This instills fear, anxiety, and panic in their partner.

Isolation- The abuser will isolate their partner from their friends and family. They might do this by limiting or even cutting off all contact from others. They may physically do this, but it is often done by intimation and mind games. They will chip away at their partner's self-esteem so that they are the only person in their partner's world, which is abusive.

Economic Abuse- What this looks like is withholding money from your partner and not letting them get their own job or their own money so that they can be financially dependent on their abuser.

Using Children As Pawns- What this looks like is threatening custody of the children in order to get what the abuser wants. It can also look like criticizing their partner's parenting skills and telling their children lies about the other parent.

Think you could be in an abusive relationship?

Take the Quiz

How Do Couples Gain Trust When Trust Has Been Broken? And what do therapists do with such a couple……….?

There first needs to be goodwill, and a willingness to want to gain trust on both sides of the aisle. What is goodwill? Goodwill has been defined as friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitudes towards another. Can you tell if you have goodwill towards your spouse?

It can be defined by these three questions.

1. Do you still care about the welfare of your mate or partner?

2. Do you still care, even if you’re no longer in love with someone?

3. Do you want the best for your mate, even if this relationship is over?

The answers to those questions will help you decide if you have goodwill for your partner and if you can jointly start to repair your relationship. If goodwill is present, honesty and truth will be part of your discussion.

This type of communication between partners where both parties are honest and transparent is absolutely necessary. For example, acknowledging the story that brought them to this place, telling the truth and taking responsibility for your own part in this situation.

Why do some people cheat? Or hide their secret lives? Let’s us count the many ways: grief, excitement, boredom, change of life issues, validation you are still sexy or handsome. There is also often a tiny cracks in the relationship where the partners stop listening and responding to each other in positive and caring ways. That is not to say the person that had the person who had the affair is blameless. In fact, just the opposite, they shoulder that blame alone. But their partner also played some role in creating the rift between them.

Here is a typical scenario: “David (not a real person) wanted another life beyond what he had, so the waitress at the local diner was cute, perky, and always had a smile on her face. It started with a wink, leaving a big tip after his meal, chit-chat about the weather, politics, and, the next thing he knew they were at the local motel until the wee hours of the morning. The waitress’s mother took care of her kids, (a second job), and he told his wife he needed to work late on that big project that he had told her about several days ago. Things progressed for a few weeks, and then the 16-year-old son was taking his driving test, and he turned the corner and there was the waitress and his dad in a big hug outside the motel.

Now the son is perplexed, and he has questions, does he tell his mom? Does he honk their car to say hi? Does he text his girlfriend to ask for support? “So now, not only is the man, David and the woman involved, so is David’s teenage son. This type of family situation is often called Triangulation. Triangulation occurs when a 3rd party, in this case the son, is pulled into a conflict or stressful situation. This type of behavior can easily break up a family, cause mistrust, and having a family secret like this can cause depression and anxiety.

Can this family be saved?

Is their goodwill between the man and his wife? Both parties are able to openly and honesty talk about the why of the affair, the boredom in the relationship, the lack of feeling good about one’s self and the decision that lead to the straying. Then this couple has hope. Many couples can’t handle this frank discussion without becoming overly emotional or angry and they need to enlist the services of a trained therapists. Sometimes we can’t see our part in the conflict especially if that person is not the one who cheated. Therapy can help sort out truthful communication, acknowledge the hurt, shame and guilt.

If there is not the basic relationship of goodwill, lasting change in the therapy room will not happen. The breakdown in the relationship happened even further when the wife says, “that’s it, I’ve suspected your cheating for years! Pack up, get your bags, you’re out of here, NOW!”

LGBTQI population is not immune to cheating or having a secret life.

One partner, “Gale” (not a real person) was middle aged and felt she was no longer “cute, perky, and outgoing”. She was married to her wife for 20 years. She was young, looked up to her, flirty, and willing. They had a fling for a few months and ended it. Gale wanted to tell her wife, she felt guilty and ashamed. One night she told her wife Linda about the “fling.” Linda wanted to hear nothing of it and she had “nothing to understand.” Linda’s way to cope was to “Forget about all this and move on.” Gale on the other hand wanted to go to therapy to understand what had happened to her during their 20 years of marriage. She wanted to understand how this young woman was so easy to have a fling with. Linda wanted to forget, “what was done was done.”

Statistics say in general, more men are more likely to cheat than women. Of those reported cheating behaviors, 21% of men and 13% of women (in a General Social Survey, 2016) reported cheating on their spouse, wife, husband, or engaged friend.

Debbie had a secret life which started in teen years. No one knew, and she kept it well hidden, until her husband went into her closet and found the box of memorabilia. He confronted her, and the cat was out of the bag. Now he feels he can’t trust her.

How to regain trust and create good will between the partners?

First, feelings are natural. Stress reactions like shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression, and confusion are all normal. You might feel as if you’re on an emotional roller coaster.

Good self-care is a must, and Revenge is not the answer. There must be a prior history of goodwill and the parties must be willing to move past the behaviors and start to rebuild.

Conversation about boundaries must occur and the 3rd person must be ejected from the couple. If that 3rd person makes, contact immediately that must be shared with the partner and together the couple decide how to respond.

The couple must also agree after a while to move on and to stop punishing each other years later. I know a couple once that talked about the affair like it was yesterday, but it was twenty-five years ago. Trust needs to be reestablished slowly and steadily.

The person that had the affair must also make a written apology that includes they understand the feelings, betrayal and trust that was lost when they choose to stray. Honesty and openness must be part of the apology.

Lastly, consider a good family therapist or Couples’ therapist to assist both partners in this fact finding, sharing, and loving adventure to wholeness. Therapists are trained and experienced in helping couples understand betrayal of trust and honesty. Therapists often uncover a past breach of trust that is still lingering in the marriage today. Therapists are also trained to look at other symptoms that can have a negative effect on the marriage.

If you have experienced an affair and need assistance to rebuild your relationship, we are here to help.

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By Judy McGehee, LMFT

My passion is working with children, teens, adults and couples, who want to build meaning in their lives. Building trust, intimacy, and companionship are most important to me as a therapist.

My relationship in counseling began about 35 years ago in working with families in church settings,in schools, and addiction treatment centers.. I became licensed in 1995, and have found this is the profession I thrive in, and wish for my clients the richness and relationships they are seeking from therapy.

I have also worked in,psychiatric hospitals, and children's centers, and believe my career has been embellished through each and every client I have had the privilege of working with.

I also enjoy being a Clinical Supervisor, and have had the honor of mentoring over 495 Interns/Associates since 1997. I received my Master's Degree from Phillips Graduate Institute, I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) and enjoy the membership of three local chapters of CAMFT.

I look forward to working with you in the future at CCS.

5 Effective Communication Skills

Something that people often bring into my therapy room is that they want to communicate better. You may ask, “what does that even mean? Well, I am going to tell you exactly what that means in 5 effective communication skills. To start off, I think we need to start with the basics and discuss what communication even means.  “Communication: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.” (Merriam Webster).  In really people terms it’s how we talk to our spouse, our kids and even our boss. This would also include the great amount of nonverbal communication that we do. Ever ask yourchild if they ate that cookie you left on the counter? They shake their head, but this little smile comes across their face and the cookie that you had been saving is gone; that is nonverbal communication. Other nonverbal communication is eye-contact, tone, body posture or gestures. Now that we know WHAT communication is, let's figure out how to do this effectively. 

5 Effective Communication Skills

1. Active listening- this means to listen with your body giving full attention to the person that is speaking. It means to be alert while the other person is talking. It requires the person listening to be interested and to fully concentrate on what the person talking is saying. This also includes nonverbal communication (eye contact, facial expressions, nodding, etc.)

2. Asking questions- when you are in conversation with someone, asking questions show that you are interested in what the other person is saying. This can include open-ended questions such as questions that start with how, what, where, who, when or “can you tell me more about that?” Or even closed ended questions like “Are you feeling better today?”  “Can I help you with that?” or “Have you completed your homework?”

3. Clarifying and summarizing- this is to ensure what you are hearing is being heard correctly. It is also helpful in making sure the person talking is getting their point across clearly.  “So, what you’re saying is ________?”  “Do you mean you want to go out to dinner?” or “Did I understand you when you said…?”

4. Being present- being in the moment with the person you are communicating will provide a better chance to understand and empathize with the person you are communicating with.  Your time and attention is focused on to the person that is speaking. (Put down that phone)

5. Being clear- speaking clearly and concisely is effective because then there is little room to misunderstand or misinterpret what is being conveyed. Say what you want _____ “I would like it if we went to the movies” instead of “Sure would be nice if we might go to the movies”. This last sentence is not as direct, and communication is always better if the listener doesn’t have to guess at what you are thinking or feeling. Tell that person.  It’s only in the movies when people can read minds. In real life, being direct is the key.

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By Courtney Whetstone, AMFT

Courtney Whetstone, AMFT is an associate Marriage and Family Therapists who works with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification and parenting. Courtney works in both the Riverside and Murrieta office.

To contact Courtney or any of our therapists please call 951-778-0230.

Parenting

For many of us we are taught that parenting is as natural as putting proper clothing or grabbing an umbrella when it is raining. However, parenting is not an automatic in our lives but instead learned behavior. Our children were not born with a how-to-manual; darn it. Therefore, we must learn how to become loving, caring and effective parents.

According to Webster Unabridged Dictionary parent is termed as a protector or guardian; further it states that a parent as one who act as parent of; to parent children with both love and discipline, and/or a person who brings up and cares for another.

That interpretation of a parent fails to give one the method involved in caring for another or parenting. So just how are we to know how to raise our child/children? Most of us use what our parents taught us. But is that enough?

The three major goals of parenting include:

1. Ensuring children’s health and safety

2. Preparing children for life as productive adults

3. Transmitting cultural values (Encyclopedia of Psychology)

Thank goodness we have some innate abilities or we would really be in trouble.

Are single parent households uncommon?

• No-over the past 20 years single parent homes in US increased

• Single parent households have become more common than nuclear families (both mother/father)

• Nuclear families consist of father, mother and children; sometimes grandparents raising grandchildren

• Modern family structure households headed by fathers only, mothers only or grandparent only; as well as aunts, uncles, and sometimes adult siblings

 Now to revisit the mechanisms of parenting:

• Parents and caretakers make sure children are healthy and safe, equip them with the skills and resources to succeed as adults, and transmit basic cultural values to them.

• Parents and caretakers offer their children love, acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, and guidance.

• Parents and caretakers provide the most intimate context for the nurturing and protection of children as they develop their personalities and identities and as they mature physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially.

• Information courtesy of American Psychological Association
  Read more on Positive Parenting

 What are the benefits of positive parenting?

Positive parent-child relationships provide a foundation for children’s, learning for which they bring into their adulthood.  With parents’ sensitive, responsive, and predictable care, young children develop the skills they need to succeed in life.  Early parent-child relationships have powerful effects on children’s emotional well-being (Dawson & Ashman, 2000), their basic coping and problem-solving abilities, and future capacity for relationships (Lerner & Castellino, 2002). From Positive Parent-Child-Relationships. 

4-Key points to positive parenting success:

• An Effective Parent
  your words and actions influence your child the way you want them too.

• A Consistent Parent
  you follow similar principles or practices in your words and actions.

• An Active Parent
  you participate in your child’s life.

• An Attentive Parent
  You pay attention to your child’s life and observe what goes on.

What is community and how important is it?

• Instructing child(ren) in social skills

• Teaching child(ren) how to share

• Instructing child(ren) about fairness (age appropriate)

  • Important when engaging play dates

• Model, Model your best selves

  • Child (ren) do-as-one-do and not what one say!

Hey parents, let us remember that parenting skills are not automatic nor does a how-to-manual magically appear at the birth of the child. Parenting is largely learned behaviors as well as information passed from one generation to another.  It is okay to ask questions, read a book or two, or enroll in a parenting class, as this is ok for moms, dads, grandparents, or any designated care provider.  It’s important to strived to become an effective parent, practice consistency, be active in your child/children’s life, and do more listening than talking. If you need more help on parenting or building a great relationship with your child, call me and I can help. I work in both locations, Murrieta and Riverside.

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by Valerie Fluker, Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor

All people come to counseling to relieve pain and suffering. They feel they have little to no hope left. What they have been doing isn’t working anymore or maybe never did. They feel out of control, scared, and do not know where to turn. Or they may need education in the form of Parenting or Co-parenting classes. Or some just need to work on relationship issues or manage anxiety. Regardless of what brought you to this website I can help. I am caring, understanding and I want you to feel better. I see great things happening for most people within a few sessions. These clients start to feel happy, gain more confident and report they are satisfied with their life. While I cannot guarantee you the same results, I have seen positive results with most clients.

I became a counselor because I wanted to harness great hope and positive energy and to help install healing for my clients. I consider working with people in therapy an honor and privilege to work with each client. In therapy, each person develops their positive mental wellness plan and great growth often takes place.  

I discovered my passion for counseling teens while volunteering for Riverside Youth Probation. I enjoyed seeing these teens learn and grow as they figure out who they will become. I also work with caregivers of dementia clients and I see the struggle to care for their loved one. I frequently work with people that suffer from depression, anxiety and trauma. I have specialized training in trauma, working with children and elder adults.

I am a member of the following professional organizations:

• Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.

• American Counseling Association (ACA).

I look forward to meeting and working with you.