How To Stop Fighting Your Spouse

One of the first questions I like to ask my client is are you on the same team or on opposing teams?

Do you ever feel like your spouse is not understanding or getting you? 

Have you felt afraid, worried, or on egg shells lately when talking to your spouse? 

Do you find yourself arguing more often about not being understood? 

The best way to figure out what is happening or what went wrong is to use self-reflection and figure out what stressors have been affecting you and your relationship.  At times, we are unaware or lack self-awareness to what is happening in our intimate relationship or even ourselves.  Some may ask what is self-awareness.  I like to explain it as taking a break and asking yourself “how am I doing today or what happened to change my mood?” Many people wear multiple hats and it is hard to check in with self when handling multiple obligations. Some examples: spousal duties, a job, a child, pets, an elderly parent, a sick family member, household responsibilities/chores, errands, finances, family appt.’s, school/sports, daycare, extended family calls, friends, and/or other things that take up our time, you fill in your own blank. 

Not to mention, still dealing with current COVID 19 pandemic, social restrictions, and current fear of unknowns.  Some relationships are equally stressed to being around a spouse longer periods of times since COVID 19/post pandemic outcomes. 

Self-Awareness

I believe the problem we are facing is the lack of self-awareness, not frequently checking in with self, and not asking the right questions:

“how am I doing?” and “what do I need?” 

Whatever your role is in your home, life can be complicated, difficult and it takes time to be in tune with ourselves.  It is difficult to take care of others unless we take charge of our own mental health by checking in with ourselves.  It takes work to eat, sleep, exercise, have fun, make time for self, and being present to enjoy a spouse/family.  It takes work to take a time out and reflect on our own needs. 

I’ve heard this often from either spouse, “I can’t read their mind.”  I agree with this statement, “your spouse does not know how to meet your needs unless you know what they are and you communicate it.”

Your Views

Some may say, “well my spouse doesn’t care or doesn’t understand me.”  That might be true.  However, I like challenging spouses to look at the bigger picture and ask themselves, “how will we get to a place where we can communicate, compromise, and enjoy each other?”  Knowing yourself and being able to communicate needs is a good step in the right direction to helping improve your relationship with your spouse.  Being able to communicate in a respectful manner and valuing each other’s needs promotes intimacy and relationship with your partner.  Our self-mantra can be, “I’m loved, I’m important, I’m able to communicate my needs to build connection with the person I love.” “It can be scary at times, but I can do this.”  Ultimately the goal is to draw closer to our spouse and not moving away from them. 

There are many ways of helping reduce your fights with your spouse, but it is equally important to reflect on what you tell yourself and what is your mindset.  I wish I could say all it takes is taking a magic wand, swirling it over each couple, and fights vanish.  If it were that easy, fights or arguments wouldn’t really exist.  The bigger question is, “what am I able or willing to do to help draw closer to my spouse?”  Another helpful question to ask, “how do I view my spouse?”  “are they valuable, important, can we do life together, and are we on the same team?”  I hope you say we are teammates. 

If your spouse is your teammate, here are some steps/questions to pose to drawing closer to your spouse:

1. What am I telling myself about my spouse? Is it helpful, truth based, and will these thoughts draw me closer to my spouse? Understand this before engaging your spouse. If you’re not in the right head space then come up with more helpful or true thinking statements.

2. Have I checked in with myself today? Have I identified my needs for today (i.e. coffee, breaks, fun activity, rest, sleep, and help with other duties)? Use self-reflection/checking in with self and identify your mood and decide how you want to approach/engage your spouse.

3. If you’re not ready, that is ok like some coaches say, “walk it off.”

4. Set up a team meeting with your spouse. It’s time to communicate. Present your list of things that you need for the day/week and approach your spouse to help you be on the same page (i.e. picking up kids, deciding what’s for dinner, and or requesting a break from your regular day). It’s equally important to stay positive and hopeful rather than negative.

5. It is also important not assuming your spouse doesn’t care or currently knows your needs if not communicated. It takes work, it is better to communicate your needs in a respectful and loving way in hopes of increasing intimacy. Practice makes perfect and the mindset of, “we are a team and we need each other” is a great way of facing difficulty.

6. Lastly, check on your spouse, have you asked what they need, have we worked on helping them feel valued and loved. Have we’ve surprised our spouse lately with the things that they like? Make it a point to make yourself available for them and communicate how valuable they are with affirming words or with a love note.

I think following these steps is a start, but if you are needing some additional help in your relationship please feel free in setting up an appointment for therapeutic services.  I know that every relationship is different and each couple has other traumas and barriers that make this difficult to achieve at times.  I’d be happy to start this journey of self-discovery, identifying ongoing needs, and exploring ways of improving intimacy with your spouse and decreasing the fights.  I hope this information has provided some hope, helpful insight, and ways of improving intimacy with your team mate.  

Best of luck in drawing closer to your spouse. 

Regards,

Erika Hernandez, LPCC

Hi, I look forward to being a part of your journey of self-discovery and healing.

Helping individuals and families is my passion. I have many years of experience providing therapeutic services in Spanish or English. I invite you on this journey of collaborating, identifying your needs, and learning how to meet those needs for better daily living.

I have helped individuals and families in the areas of depression, anxiety, trauma, difficult life transitions, improving pro-social skill, developing healthy relationships/boundaries, assisting with parenting skills, and working on boundary setting, improving self-esteem, and adjusting to family dynamic changes (i.e., divorce, grief, and other family stressor or life changes).

I enjoy working with multicultural individuals and welcome incorporating creative and artistic expression in my scheduled therapeutic sessions as a method of the ongoing development of coping skill use. My therapeutic modality preference is through a creative lens in combination with CBT, Trauma Focused-CBT, Seeking Safety, Motivational Interviewing, and Narrative Therapy.

I count it a privilege to help clients and families with the healing process of self-discovery, freedom of expression, increasing personal interests, sharing their story, identifying their own personal values, current, and future motivations, developing healthy and positive self-talk, increasing hope, incorporating their own personal faith-based values, and developing a reasonable action plan to improve daily and functional living.

Prior to joining the CCS, I provided intensive field-based therapeutic services to children and adolescents with severe mental health challenges and their families at Pacific Clinics.

Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.

Change Your Attachment Style, Change Your Life!

You may be asking yourself “why do I need to know what attachment style I have?” Well, knowing gives you the freedom to do some self-reflecting and get help if your attachment style is less than secure. It is also important in regards to building relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Attachment styles come from how our caregivers raised us. It is what shapes our attachment to others in our adult lives.

Let’s take a look at some attachment styles: 

Avoidant attachment style– this is a positive self-image but a negative view of the world. This can develop when their caregiver is neglectful. Often these individuals do not trust others and they have a difficult time being vulnerable to others. There is a fear of closeness and intimacy.
What can be done to help overcome this? Start taking emotional risks with other people. It will take practice to communicate needs when feeling vulnerable and allowing others to be in that space. The way of thinking that, nobody can ever really be trusted, will need to be confronted and replaced with healthier ways of thinking and in turn acting. Being able to identify people in your life who have shown you true trustworthy behavior and practicing opening up with them is key to unlearning this attachment style. 

Anxious attachment style– this one presents with a negative self-view and a positive world view. This can develop when there is inconsistency from their caregiver. This attachment style will trust others (perhaps a little too much), they often times will look to external views as ways to validate instead of looking within themselves. These people can oftentimes be described as codependent. The thought of being away from their partner gives them anxiety. A strong fear of abandonment is usually present.

A way to help this is to start looking for ways to validate by looking inward. Working on improving self-esteem is a good way to help this as well. Look for things that make you feel important as an individual is helpful. Allow partners to complement your own individual life will work as far as relationships go. 

Disorganized attachment style– this one has both a negative world view and a negative self-view. These people have some big traumas to overcome in order to work on this attachment style. This can develop from extreme trauma in the home. These people do not even know what a healthy relationship would LOOK like. They have a hard time self-regulating. This can even involve physical violence in relationships at times.

It is important to work on both the world view as well as the self-image.

Ambivalent insecure attachment– these people will be very anxious. They have experienced much inconsistency in their childhoods. Trusting others is difficult for them. Two people who share this attachment style are often toxic together and make for a chaotic relationship. It is always a push-pull, love-me hate-me type of love. 

Secure attachment– this is the one we all are searching for and hope for. This is an understanding of healthy relationships. This person is secure and grounded and can expect a healthy relationship. This is someone who trusts others. They thrive in relationships but do just fine on their own. They are more satisfied with their relationships.

Ready to find out what attachment style you are? Take this quiz to find out!
(Non-affiant link)

COURTNEY WHETSTONE, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment - it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop  new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.

Let's Talk About It: Codependency

Let’s Talk About Codependency… 

Many of us are quite familiar with the word codependency. We often associate it with someone who is “needy” or who relies on others to do every day life. In reality, codependency is far more than just relying on others; it is a maladaptive way of maintaining interpersonal relationships and a skewed view of self.

How then can we spot a codependent relationship? Well, the answer is not too simple since we often get misinformed through media. Before I suggest a few yellow flags to look for, please keep in mind the following two points:

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1. Shame: it is my belief that shaming people for having patterns of codependency is unfair and harmful. A person with codependent traits is only trying to relate and survive in this harsh world

and

1. Culture: it is important to recognize that interdependence (a balanced relationship where both parties work together to meet each other’s needs) is not the same thing as codependency.

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Those two points set aside, the following are just but a few characteristics (or yellow flags) of codependent relationships and is not an exhaustive list. One last point, as informative as the below information can be, remember to use it as a resource to compliment a responsible discussion with a health care professional.

Yellow flags of codependent relationships and/or codependent tendencies:

1. Guilt: difficulty saying “no” due to fear of harming other’s feelings

2. Prioritizing needs: difficulty putting your needs first, before those of others.

3. Isolation: other relationships and needs are placed second over spending time with the person you are enmeshed with.

4. Circular relationships: a person needs another person, who in turn needs to be needed

5. Unsolicited caretaking: when a person feels that they have to care of everyone all the time

6. Addiction: often, one or both people in the codependent relationship have an addiction problem to substances

7. Lack of differentiation: difficulty identifying own needs/wants

In life we have balance, thus, if you believe you are in a codependent relationship, know that the opposite exists- you can grow to have healthier relationship patterns! If you recognize a love in the above descriptions, please help destigmatize codependency and provide them with support so that they can find their own path to healing.

If you are interested in obtaining more information, check out the Co-Dependent Anonymous website  https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

Do not forget to schedule an appointment with a mental health professional 

Feel free to contact us by calling 951-778-0230 or texting us at 951-323-2182

As a couples and family therapist, I have vast training and experience working with Children (ages 4 to 12 years old), adolescents (ages 13 to 19 years old), young adults (ages 20 to 35 years old), and middle age/older adults and family therapy. I also have a background working with individuals and families impacted by crime, and have provided crisis intervention/stabilization.

I have a special interest in helping my clients address a variety of mental health concerns, including anxiety, depression, self-esteem, relational issues, women’s health, Latinx, grief/loss, autism, overall life transitions, issues concerning LGBTQIA+ community, trauma and PTSD. I have worked in multiple settings including schools, community mental health agencies and private practice.

I graduated from the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University with an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy and an emphasis on Latin American Family Therapy. I provide psychotherapy services in both English and Spanish.

If you are curious about what therapy can look like but unsure it is for you, I would love to discuss options to address your current situation. 

What Are The Green Flags?

By now most people have heard “red flags” in relationships and “ what makes a relationship toxic or unhealthy?” Well, I am now going to put another spin on it and we are going to talk about “ green flags”. You may be asking, “ what is a green flag?” A green flag is a sign that this person may very well be a decent partner for you.

Below are 10 green flags in relationships that make them strong and healthy.

1. Feeling good when being around each other is a huge green flag; when you each take pleasure in being around and sharing space with one another. Feeling happy, confident, safe, and being able to laugh together is an important part of a relationship and enjoying that person's company.

2. Being able to let your guard down and be vulnerable with that person is a green flag. When you are able to be comfortable enough with your partner that you can share unpleasant feelings or experiences, that is a green flag.

3. Getting reassurance from your partner is a deeper level of intimacy and that is a green flag. When there is a lot of communication, understanding, and listening between the two of you, you are in green flag territory.

4. Adapting to change in a healthy manner is a green flag. Relationships change and adapt over time. Relationships go through struggles but it is HOW you deal with those struggles where the green flags come in. when you can be open and discuss each others opposing opinions about things, take accountability, be respectful to one another during an argument, these are skills that have evolved your relationship into something more intimate and deeper.

5. Showing gratitude is another green flag. Having someone who is positive and appreciates the things you say. Whether it's sending them a song that makes you think of them, or simply saying thank you, is important.

6. Sharing common goals and values is a green flag. When your partner can support you on the things that are important to you, that is very important in a relationship.

7. Being able to be your true authentic self with no ridicule or judgment is an important green flag. Never underestimate the power of your partner letting you be your silly self without judging you.

8. Being challenged in a relationship is also a green flag. When you are able to be empowered by your partner or able to engage in teamwork with your partner, these are important. Encouraging each other to follow your dreams is a big green flag.

9. Being able to sacrifice for the relationship, while still remaining independent is a green flag. There may be things you will need to sacrifice to maintain the other person being kept as a priority, but keeping your independence is a good balance and a good example of keeping a healthy boundary.

10. Communication is a green flag. Being consistent with calls and texts, and being tuned in to each other when engaged in conversation is important.

It is just as important to recognize the good in relationships as it is to find the red flags. Being able to analyze these and have self-awareness is an important part of mental health.
For more ways to gain self-awareness book an appointment at CCS by calling 951-778-0230

Signs of an Abusive Relationship- Take the quiz!

You may be thinking “ how does someone not know they are in an abusive relationship?” well the answer at times is not always clear due to the manipulation and gaslighting that can come along with it. I will give some signs that you are in an abusive relationship while describing what types of abuse there are.

Emotional Abuse- There will be some attacks on their partner's self-worth, name-calling and belittling, and humiliation. There may be some accusations for example of cheating or various behavior that are unjust. The abuser will then rationalize their behavior by saying “ relax, it was just a joke.” Or “ you make
me act this way.” Another thing that can happen is in public everything is all smiles and in private, the abuser turns on his partner in these negative and abusive ways leaving the victim feeling confused, worthless, and hurt. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and what this is, is a way to make you feel “crazy.” If
there is something to be true about the abuser and you confront them, they will do whatever it takes to make you feel like you imagined the whole thing and make you question yourself. It will turn you against your own logic, even if the truth is right there in your face and in some circumstances even make your abuser look like “ the good guy.”

Physical Abuse- This will be instances of hitting, kicking, biting, pushing/shoving, throwing objects at them, or harming with a weapon. Using any type of restraints classifies as abuse.

Sexual Abuse- This one is common, yet not talked about often and this looks like where the abuser will force sexual contact ( not just intercourse) on their partner. Treating your partner like a sexual object is also abusive. Using sex to get what you want and assign value and importance to your partner is abusive. Withholding sex and affection as a form of punishment is a way to be abusive as well.

Threats and Intimidation- An abuser might threaten their partner by giving a threatening look or gesture, with the point being they want to instill fear. They might track your every move. They could threaten to destroy your property or harm something or someone they love. This instills fear, anxiety, and panic in their partner.

Isolation- The abuser will isolate their partner from their friends and family. They might do this by limiting or even cutting off all contact from others. They may physically do this, but it is often done by intimation and mind games. They will chip away at their partner's self-esteem so that they are the only person in their partner's world, which is abusive.

Economic Abuse- What this looks like is withholding money from your partner and not letting them get their own job or their own money so that they can be financially dependent on their abuser.

Using Children As Pawns- What this looks like is threatening custody of the children in order to get what the abuser wants. It can also look like criticizing their partner's parenting skills and telling their children lies about the other parent.

Think you could be in an abusive relationship?

Take the Quiz

How Can I Keep A Strong Bond With My Partner While In Quarantine?

I know most of us out there expected this quarantine to only last a couple of weeks. We are now 6 months in and a question on lots of people's minds is, How can I keep this bond strong with my partner while in quarantine? And how can I not lose my mind while doing so? Well here are some helpful tips on keeping that bond strong while quarantined together and also a few for those relationships that are not in quarantine together and are now being forced into a “ long-distance” feel on the relationship.

Tips for couples who are quarantined together:

1. Have a movie night that will spark a conversation after. For example, 13th or Social Dilemma, both found on popular streaming services.

2. Exercise together by taking a walk or a jog outside to beat the cabin fever.

3. Have a game night but instead of video games, ditch those for good old fashioned board games

4. Find time each day to express gratitude to your partner

5. Dress up and have data e night in the backyard or living room- picnic style.

6. Having more patience than you might normally have with your partner will come in handy, these are tension-filled times so finding that compassion for yourself and your partner when arguments inevitably arise will be helpful.

7. Be sure to still have your alone time- being quarantined together is A LOT of togetherness so be sure to make sure you are still enjoying activities that are your own.

Tips for those relationships who are not in quarantine together:

1. Make phone calls and video chats a priority.

​2. Still watch your favorite shows together- facetime each other while watching your shows so you can still interact while watching tv.

​3. Play online games such as UNO or any video games you both enjoy

​4. Workout together via online working out, DOMA studios is an example of an online platform 

​5. Do an on occasion social distancing date, such as getting take out and eating together at a safe distance. 

​6. Get your old school writing love letters on write your partner a love letter and mail it. ( they have stamps and shipping online)

​7. Virtually have meals together.

As always, please reach out if you are needing more help in your relationship, we are still offering couples therapy during this time. We know quarantine is hard. The CCS team is here for you to bring inspiration, comfort, and healing into your life. If you missed lasted week's blog, we introduced our Zen Den, we created a virtual space for you to escape to, check it out!

The B Word, How It Can Help Us

Let’s talk about the B word….that’s right Boundaries!

Boundaries are a very important part of dating and yet, they get a bad rap for being a bad thing. First of all, we want to determine why we need boundaries. Let’s take a look at an example of a coloring page. There are lines around the picture so we know where to color and we know not to color outside of the lines; this is concept we learn at a very early age. It is the same for when we decide to be part of a couple. We have all seen the new couple that dress alike seem to fold into a single person.  We need to keep in mind where we want our partners to end and us begin. We want to set limits for ourselves as individuals. Being in a couple relationship should make each person better, pushing each to become their very best. Not to lose your own personal identity.  If you’re unsure what your personal boundaries are, it’s going to be hard for others to follow them.

In healthy relationships, partners discuss their feelings with one another, show mutual respect, show gratitude and take each other’s feelings into consideration about any topic. Being in a relationship, you shouldn’t have to lose your family, friend or children just to be with that other person.

 Boundaries are set to keep us safe. A healthy boundary is being responsible for your own happiness. A healthy boundary is having friendships outside of the relationship. Sometimes, boundaries also shift and change as a relationship progresses, which is okay as long as you both agree to discuss the shift honestly and you both feel good about the changes.

Poor boundaries disconnect you from your partner, and one partner often times may feel there are being manipulated by the other person to get them to do what their partner wants. A partner that is using manipulation may say things like “If you don’t do this then I won’t do that.” Or they may stop talking to you and give you the silent treatment. Other times they may withdraw emotional affection or disengage until they get what they want. It is not healthy to have your partner guessing how you are feeling or demanding that you feel a certain way.  An unhealthy boundary is the feeling of being incomplete without your partner. An unhealthy boundary is relying on your partner for happiness. In unhealthy relationships, a couple might feel that their partners must think like them, that they should just adjust because after all “we are the same and that means we must also think alike too.”

How to set healthy boundaries you ask?

1. Be clear as to what your needs are. If your needs change then speak up. Something may be okay for a week or month but not longer. When you realize what your needs are not being met, be clear when telling your partner. A lot of issues from boundary setting comes from misunderstanding.

2. Use “I” statements. Using I statements clearly defines how you feel and what behaviors you expected to see in your partner. When appropriate, take responsibility for your part of the misunderstanding. Do not only judge or lay blame on your partner. Most of the time, both partners have some responsibility. It is also your responsibility to help correct the situation and communicate your feelings in a non-defensive way. It’s always good to remember that you do love each other, flaws and all.  

3. Listen to what your partner is trying to tell you and summarize how they feel. For example, if your partner is upset, you didn’t do the dishes and it is your job to do them, it is okay to say you are sorry and you will try better. You might say, “I hear you are upset that the dishes are not done because that makes starting dinner harder for you. I will try harder to get the dishes done before you cook dinner.”

4. Being polite is always in style and will go a long way in building a better relationship.

5. Ask for clarification, “Did you mean to sound angry when you asked me to pick-up my shoes?” This allows your partner to clarify the intent behind the words. Sometimes we say something and our partner misses our intent. Always ask and allow your partner to clarify, never assume.

6. Do not set your partner up by saying or thinking something like “Well, if her really loves me, he would just know.” Even the best partners aren’t mind readers. If you want a specific item or behavior, ask.

If you and your partner are having more than your share of arguments or you feel hurt or misunderstood, it might be time for some professional help. Call me and let’s work together to get your most important relationship back on track.

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By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT works with couples and individuals to fix their relationships and remember why they became a couple in the first place. 

Courtney works out of our Murrieta office and she has helped many couple restore their loving relationships.

To contact Courtney or any of our therapists please call 951-778-0230.

How Do Couples Gain Trust When Trust Has Been Broken? And what do therapists do with such a couple……….?

There first needs to be goodwill, and a willingness to want to gain trust on both sides of the aisle. What is goodwill? Goodwill has been defined as friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitudes towards another. Can you tell if you have goodwill towards your spouse?

It can be defined by these three questions.

1. Do you still care about the welfare of your mate or partner?

2. Do you still care, even if you’re no longer in love with someone?

3. Do you want the best for your mate, even if this relationship is over?

The answers to those questions will help you decide if you have goodwill for your partner and if you can jointly start to repair your relationship. If goodwill is present, honesty and truth will be part of your discussion.

This type of communication between partners where both parties are honest and transparent is absolutely necessary. For example, acknowledging the story that brought them to this place, telling the truth and taking responsibility for your own part in this situation.

Why do some people cheat? Or hide their secret lives? Let’s us count the many ways: grief, excitement, boredom, change of life issues, validation you are still sexy or handsome. There is also often a tiny cracks in the relationship where the partners stop listening and responding to each other in positive and caring ways. That is not to say the person that had the person who had the affair is blameless. In fact, just the opposite, they shoulder that blame alone. But their partner also played some role in creating the rift between them.

Here is a typical scenario: “David (not a real person) wanted another life beyond what he had, so the waitress at the local diner was cute, perky, and always had a smile on her face. It started with a wink, leaving a big tip after his meal, chit-chat about the weather, politics, and, the next thing he knew they were at the local motel until the wee hours of the morning. The waitress’s mother took care of her kids, (a second job), and he told his wife he needed to work late on that big project that he had told her about several days ago. Things progressed for a few weeks, and then the 16-year-old son was taking his driving test, and he turned the corner and there was the waitress and his dad in a big hug outside the motel.

Now the son is perplexed, and he has questions, does he tell his mom? Does he honk their car to say hi? Does he text his girlfriend to ask for support? “So now, not only is the man, David and the woman involved, so is David’s teenage son. This type of family situation is often called Triangulation. Triangulation occurs when a 3rd party, in this case the son, is pulled into a conflict or stressful situation. This type of behavior can easily break up a family, cause mistrust, and having a family secret like this can cause depression and anxiety.

Can this family be saved?

Is their goodwill between the man and his wife? Both parties are able to openly and honesty talk about the why of the affair, the boredom in the relationship, the lack of feeling good about one’s self and the decision that lead to the straying. Then this couple has hope. Many couples can’t handle this frank discussion without becoming overly emotional or angry and they need to enlist the services of a trained therapists. Sometimes we can’t see our part in the conflict especially if that person is not the one who cheated. Therapy can help sort out truthful communication, acknowledge the hurt, shame and guilt.

If there is not the basic relationship of goodwill, lasting change in the therapy room will not happen. The breakdown in the relationship happened even further when the wife says, “that’s it, I’ve suspected your cheating for years! Pack up, get your bags, you’re out of here, NOW!”

LGBTQI population is not immune to cheating or having a secret life.

One partner, “Gale” (not a real person) was middle aged and felt she was no longer “cute, perky, and outgoing”. She was married to her wife for 20 years. She was young, looked up to her, flirty, and willing. They had a fling for a few months and ended it. Gale wanted to tell her wife, she felt guilty and ashamed. One night she told her wife Linda about the “fling.” Linda wanted to hear nothing of it and she had “nothing to understand.” Linda’s way to cope was to “Forget about all this and move on.” Gale on the other hand wanted to go to therapy to understand what had happened to her during their 20 years of marriage. She wanted to understand how this young woman was so easy to have a fling with. Linda wanted to forget, “what was done was done.”

Statistics say in general, more men are more likely to cheat than women. Of those reported cheating behaviors, 21% of men and 13% of women (in a General Social Survey, 2016) reported cheating on their spouse, wife, husband, or engaged friend.

Debbie had a secret life which started in teen years. No one knew, and she kept it well hidden, until her husband went into her closet and found the box of memorabilia. He confronted her, and the cat was out of the bag. Now he feels he can’t trust her.

How to regain trust and create good will between the partners?

First, feelings are natural. Stress reactions like shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression, and confusion are all normal. You might feel as if you’re on an emotional roller coaster.

Good self-care is a must, and Revenge is not the answer. There must be a prior history of goodwill and the parties must be willing to move past the behaviors and start to rebuild.

Conversation about boundaries must occur and the 3rd person must be ejected from the couple. If that 3rd person makes, contact immediately that must be shared with the partner and together the couple decide how to respond.

The couple must also agree after a while to move on and to stop punishing each other years later. I know a couple once that talked about the affair like it was yesterday, but it was twenty-five years ago. Trust needs to be reestablished slowly and steadily.

The person that had the affair must also make a written apology that includes they understand the feelings, betrayal and trust that was lost when they choose to stray. Honesty and openness must be part of the apology.

Lastly, consider a good family therapist or Couples’ therapist to assist both partners in this fact finding, sharing, and loving adventure to wholeness. Therapists are trained and experienced in helping couples understand betrayal of trust and honesty. Therapists often uncover a past breach of trust that is still lingering in the marriage today. Therapists are also trained to look at other symptoms that can have a negative effect on the marriage.

If you have experienced an affair and need assistance to rebuild your relationship, we are here to help.

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By Judy McGehee, LMFT

My passion is working with children, teens, adults and couples, who want to build meaning in their lives. Building trust, intimacy, and companionship are most important to me as a therapist.

My relationship in counseling began about 35 years ago in working with families in church settings,in schools, and addiction treatment centers.. I became licensed in 1995, and have found this is the profession I thrive in, and wish for my clients the richness and relationships they are seeking from therapy.

I have also worked in,psychiatric hospitals, and children's centers, and believe my career has been embellished through each and every client I have had the privilege of working with.

I also enjoy being a Clinical Supervisor, and have had the honor of mentoring over 495 Interns/Associates since 1997. I received my Master's Degree from Phillips Graduate Institute, I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) and enjoy the membership of three local chapters of CAMFT.

I look forward to working with you in the future at CCS.

Parent Café: Self-Care

Hi, I am back with more helpful tips and hints, this time for the care providers.  We, as parents, are constantly reminded that our children/child comes first.  That is partially correct as parents; we must remember that our children will need us at peak performance most of the time.  Depending on their age group as to how much direct supervision and energy will be needed.  Albeit it’s hard to find personal time to refuel our energy. We know that spending time with our children helps them to socialize and learn the values of the family as well as community standards. We will not be able to carry out parental duties in an effective manner without self-care.

What is self-care?

 Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health.  Though the question seems relatively simple of just how does a parent juggle all the tasks to do self-care?  Self-care often gets overlooked or dismissed to a later date, often a date that never happens.  Self-care is important for reducing anxiety as well as improving one’s mood. It is necessary for all people but especially for parents.

What isn’t self-care? 

Self-care is not a forced act or something we don’t enjoy doing.  A scholar once explained self-care is “something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.”  https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-self-care-is-and-what-it-isnt-2/

Below are a few helpful self-care tips:

1. One of the main keys to not becoming overwhelmed by the steps in the process of developing a doable self-care plan. Keep it simple. 

2. Developing a self-care plan that can help enhance one’s health, well-being and manage one’s stress. 

3. Identify activities and practices that support your well-being as will assist you in sustaining a positive long-term self-care plan. Improving and increasing your life.

4. Another crucial factor is that a self-care plan is personal to you.  Everyone’s approach will differ and should relate to the needs of you. 

5. Self-care plans are useful for workplace/professional well-being, physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and relationships.  Activities should be tailored to and meaningful to one’s self and intended goals. 

6. Physical self-care should include a regular sleep routine, healthy diet, walk, and exercise. 

7. Psychological self-care consists of reflective journaling, hobby, time away from emails and social media, relaxation, positive interaction with family and friends.

8. Emotional self-care encompasses developing supportive frie­ndships, write three good things that you did each day, play your favorite sport, and talk with friends about how you are coping with life demands. 

9. Spiritual self-care involves reflective meditation, walks, visit your church/mosque/temple, yoga, reflect with a close friend, download the 1 Giant Mind app, and learn mindfulness techniques and its benefits. 

10. Once the plan has been drafted, keep it in a visible location, stick to your plan-practice regularly, and re-assess how you are doing and if it needs adjustments.

11. Once you create your plan, do a cursory check for any barrier that might hinder you from moving forward.  Also, what can you do to remove these barriers?  If they cannot be removed, then one might adjust their self-care strategies. 

12. Finally, relationship self-care involves making close relationships, e.g., partners, family, and children a priority attend dedicated events with family and friends, arrive to work, and leave on time every day.

Access the links below, to download and chart your self-care plan, it is really easy to do.

• https://schools.au.reachout.com/articles/developing-a-self-care-plan

• http://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/developing-your-self-care-plan.html

Another method of self-care that I want to reintroduce are the benefits associated with mindfulness techniques/exercises.  Let’s start with what mindfulness is:  The term mindfulness refers to a psychological state of awareness, the practices that promote this awareness, a mode of processing information, and a character trait. To be in step with up-to-date research, mindfulness means also “a moment-to-moment awareness of one’s experience without judgment”  This definition can be found by clicking here.

Mindfulness-based skills can help both adults and children to cultivate emotion regulation, decreased reactivity, and increased response flexibility, and intrapersonal benefits.

 The 5 most common benefits of mindfulness are:

✔ Decreased Stress

✔ Decreased Depressive Symptoms

✔ Increases Self-Compassion

✔ Improved General Health

✔ Increases Positivity in Mental Health Outcomes

• Deep Breathing (Mindfulness Exercise) promotes:

• Breathing for Enlightenment-develops deep insight

• Breathing for Relaxation-helps quieten and clear the mind

• Breathing to Let Go of Negativity

• Breathing for Inner Peace

• Breathing to Learn about Your Body

• Breathing to Connect Mind and Body

 Source: https://eocinstitute.org/meditation/meditation-and-breathing-benefits-of-mindful-breathing/

Incorporating mindfulness exercises into one’s self-care plan is an added benefit, a benefit that brings positive returns.  As this will, i.e., practicing mindfulness will engender a whole-body healing, relaxation, and a peaceful mind and spirit.  Therefore, one will likely return to the task at hand with an increase in their self-care toolbox, an arsenal of ways to bringing calm, peace, relaxation, and clearer thinking.

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By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC

All people come to counseling to relieve pain and suffering. They feel they have little to no hope left. What they have been doing isn’t working anymore or maybe never did. They feel out of control, scared, and do not know where to turn. Or they may need education in the form of Parenting or Co-parenting classes. Or some just need to work on relationship issues or manage anxiety. Regardless of what brought you to this website I can help. I am caring, understanding and I want you to feel better. I see great things happening for most people within a few sessions. These clients start to feel happy, gain more confident and report they are satisfied with their life. While I cannot guarantee you the same results, I have seen positive results with most clients.

I became a counselor because I wanted to harness great hope and positive energy and to help install healing for my clients. I consider working with people in therapy an honor and privilege to work with each client. In therapy, each person develops their positive mental wellness plan and great growth often takes place.  

I discovered my passion for counseling teens while volunteering for Riverside Youth Probation. I enjoyed seeing these teens learn and grow as they figure out who they will become. I also work with caregivers of dementia clients and I see the struggle to care for their loved one. I frequently work with people that suffer from depression, anxiety and trauma. I have specialized training in trauma, working with children and elder adults.

I am a member of the following professional organizations:

• Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.

• American Counseling Association (ACA).

I look forward to meeting and working with you.

Active Parenting

This blog will focus our attention on active parenting tips for our children to increase their confidence and responsibility.  What is active parenting?  First and foremost, active parenting help impart to our children values that help create high functioning children and great adults. Active parenting involves instilling:

1.      Courage

2.      Self-esteem

3.      Responsibility

4.      Cooperation

These are just a few of the skills necessary for children to learn survival and life skills.   When thinking about active parenting, a proactive approach works best.  In other words, do not wait until the child does something wrong.  Instead, instill values and morals that will serve as your child’s foundation-a building block for growth.  Many parents believe instilling values, morals, and socialization is the purpose of active parenting.  Find your child doing good and encourage your child by telling them how grateful you are that they did this (___________________) Something like I appriacate it when you help me put the dishes away or when you make you bed or when you are nice to your little sister. Find a way to let your child know that you care and are watching. Ask your child what do they like best about their drawing or their art project. These are just some of the ways to actively parent.

Let us take a quick look at the four basic blocks. 

• Courage-when instilled as a foundation; children have the strength they will need to try and try again. This build resilience a great tool for life.

• Self-esteem-that is to possess a positive image of self.

• Responsibility-a child is more than capable of making decisions as well as accept responsibility for that decision.

• Cooperation-parents encourage children to work together as well as with others for a positive end.  Cooperation is also an essential element needed to facilitate teamwork efforts.

The four basic blocks are important for every child to learn. As a parent; we will not be able to be there for everything our child does. Having our children to use decision-making, along with the courage to stick with his/her decision, is crucial.  Another important part of active parenting that revolves around protecting and preparing children to be equipped to survive and thrive in society.  Important to that end is for children to feel good about themselves and their decisions and act them out with confidence in everyday life.

For more information on Active Parenting click here

Most parents can agree that is parenting is a full-time job, with no instruction manual. Most parents are unaware of the pivotal role they play in shaping the people their children will eventually become.  Parents become teachers, role models, protector and confidante, and many hats, all to get their child/children to a safe place in life. 

Unfortunately, parents are  tasked with the job of telling your child a hundred or so times the same set of directives. This is needed to help your child’s brain fully understand and be retained in their memory.  Essential to effect communicative is a relationship with your child is a vital component in developing a healthy relationship between the parent(s) and children. 

Learning how to develop effective communication with your child engenders a stable and loving home life (which helps keeps parents sane).  Noting day-to-day activities, e.g., homework, meals, and bedtimes flow more smoothly. Effective communication may also improve your child’ long-term health and development.   Studies indicate that children who don’t feel or believe they have a good relationship with their parents are more likely to have low self-esteem, difficulties in school and emotional problems, and are a greater risk for using drugs and experimenting with risky sexual behavior [source:  Mental Health America].

Building a strong relationship with your child/children

1.      Be consistent with children.

a. Hour to hour, day to day, and week to week, in short, every waking moment remain consistent with rules and discipline

b. Parents must practice the following rules as well, or our children will not either

c. Focus on one key behavior (or misbehavior) that needs addressing

d. The behavior should reflect a reward or disciplinary action [source:  Family Education]

2.       Stay positive-remain calm, do not yell.  Always reward your child for their good behavior. 

a.  The only way to reverse negative behaviors is to make rules that you can keep and enforce.

3.      Be Patient-Even though one may desire quick results; people don’t change overnight.

a.  It took time for your children to master their misbehavior; it will take equal time to change them.

4.      Expect resistance-Never fear your children are going to test you, especially if you tried enforcing the rule with them before, but failed to follow through.

a.  Change can be challenging, and your children are not likely to embrace your new rules.   Nevertheless, do not give in or up parents you are likely to win.

5.      Stick with it-In order for change to stay long term; consistency is the key

a. Consistency will show your children the behaviors and values that are important to you and in turn, teach them self-discipline [source:  Family Education].

A barrier to active parenting: when both parents must work and some parents must work two jobs for family upkeep.  Important to families wherein both parents must work is to choose quality over quantity.  That means, it is not how much time is spent, but the purposeful meaning embodied in that brief time. 

To this end, I am posting a summary of children’s rights as set forth by The UN Convention on the rights of the Child/ UNICEF for every child they list about 42; however, I will only list a few https://www.unicef.org.nz/child-rights

1.      Be Recognized

2.      Adequate care

3.      Parental guidance

4.      Life

5.      Live with their parents

6.      Freedom of expression

7.      Freedom of thought

8.      Freedom from abuse

9.      An education

10. Personal development, survival, and protection

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By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC

All people come to counseling to relieve pain and suffering. They feel they have little to no hope left. What they have been doing isn’t working anymore or maybe never did. They feel out of control, scared, and do not know where to turn. Or they may need education in the form of Parenting or Co-parenting classes. Or some just need to work on relationship issues or manage anxiety. Regardless of what brought you to this website I can help. I am caring, understanding and I want you to feel better. I see great things happening for most people within a few sessions. These clients start to feel happy, gain more confident and report they are satisfied with their life. While I cannot guarantee you the same results, I have seen positive results with most clients.

I became a counselor because I wanted to harness great hope and positive energy and to help install healing for my clients. I consider working with people in therapy an honor and privilege to work with each client. In therapy, each person develops their positive mental wellness plan and great growth often takes place.  

I discovered my passion for counseling teens while volunteering for Riverside Youth Probation. I enjoyed seeing these teens learn and grow as they figure out who they will become. I also work with caregivers of dementia clients and I see the struggle to care for their loved one. I frequently work with people that suffer from depression, anxiety and trauma. I have specialized training in trauma, working with children and elder adults.

I am a member of the following professional organizations:

• Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.

• American Counseling Association (ACA).

I look forward to meeting and working with you.

Marriages Like Fine Wines Take Time

Relationships are like fine wines; the taste and consistency will not happen overnight.  However, the steadiness, texture, and palatable is borne out of care, understanding, patience, and desire.  In my couples, therapy work…I find the “crystal ball” effect being quite prevalent, in fact, it’s so prevalent that when mentioned individuals appear bewildered.  Partners expect the other to know what is on their mind…often the other partner is without a clue as to the thought or the problem.  You might hear something like remember “I told you there is a problem,” or “I expected for you to fix this.”  If you noticed, the content of the problem failed to come forth, leaving the accused wondering “what problem.”  However, these are signs indicating that there is a problem. 

When that sign shows up in your relationship, not allowing it to become larger than necessary by bringing it to your partners’ attention is a must. Ways of doing that include addressing the concern by using “I” statements or “when you say _________ it makes me feel,” forgoing accusations (AKA garbage dumping) as well as the poor me syndrome…” look at what you are doing to me?”  Is often heard between couples.

 Instead the traits, of respect, caring, trust, and understanding giving the partner an opportunity to reveal or vent their frustrations with just a listening ear. To Prevent the “garbage dumping” or “backpack syndrome”, which means not piling every little frustration or problem that you ever had during the last six months. Back on your partner just because you can only further push the two of you apart.

Another gray area is a failure to remain individuals within a coupled relationship. At first, when people get together all their time is spent together, you may give up friends or even family to be with your partner. However, there will be grumbles, smugness, and anger when that time arrives (as it surely will), that the partners’ feel stifled and soon the blame game and pointing fingers start.  It is essential for couples to have social time with others, without having their spouse become jealous, mean, for angry. Maybe it’s a girls’ night out or poker with the guys or a round of golf.  Having space and time to mingle with friends and family is important.

When one partner is blaming or dominates the behavior of the other partner to the point of frustration, and pushes the comfort zone out of reach. The relationship will suffer and the close intimacy that you once had will disappear.  I iterate to my couples when this negative behavior pops up counseling room that it’s only a destructive force pushing the couple apart. The safety the couple is seeking is gone.  I ultimately bring to their attention that each party is an adult with their own decision-making abilities and privileges’.  The blaming party restating their concerns over and over again is unproductive and unhelpful.  Let us remember that you can only discover and repair your individual problems.  Then again, why take on the added stress of directing an adult, finding solutions to their problems, and worst implement your decisions into your partners’ life.  As a partner your job to support your partner and support them in their desires and dreams.  Not to become them or dictate behavior.

Becoming a couple is not taking over their life, or their decisions.  We should not want a puppet as a partner. In the end, the relationship will yield ripe fruits for creating the savory of wines (and in your case a pleasant positive relationship).

My counseling platform, based on the belief that there are healthy options in addressing relationship woes, and contends, the gravest is a breakdown in communication.  However, the breakdown it must be discovered and both parties must be willing to work on themselves with patience and non-judgement.  I like to offer couples hands on techniques that create healthy communication, respect, compassion, and empathy.  Thus, removing all backpacks from the couple and practice being honest active listening, and respect for another’s opinion.

A great website to visit where you will discover others tools for couples can be found at http://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples-blog/. (Couples Institute, Ellyn Bader, 2010) If you want to speak in person or hear more about my couples' workshops you can contact me at (951) 778-0230 or email @ therapyccs@gmail.com.