Self-Care: How To Fill Your Tank

I’m sure you’ve heard the term “Self-Care” but what is it, and why do I need to do it? 

Self-Care is defined as the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s health. 

Think of it this way, our body is like a car, and car’s need fuel to perform. Like that car, we need to take care of ourselves and get refueled each day.

 Have you ever woke up and felt great- so great that you could take on the world? This is because you fueled your body! You got enough sleep, fed yourself, drank plenty of water, did activities you enjoy. You know these days- where you can let minor problems roll off your back, and nothing can get you down. 

How can you have this feeling every day? 

The answer is self-care!  

It’s December, one of the busiest months of the year.  I know so many of us have never ending to-do lists this month, social events, family events, and self-care usually takes a back seat. However, each day we need to fill our gas tank to be the best person we can be. Our tank gets depleted with all the tasks we do in a day. Our tank gets empty with work, then a little more with that commute home. The tank spills out even a little bit more when we come home to take care of our families and that never ending to-do list: cooking, cleaning, and helping kids do their homework... until our tank is empty or almost empty. 

Just like a car, when the tank is empty, you’re going nowhere fast.

If you don’t fill your tank, you start the next day empty. These are the days where we feel tired and grumpy, or just not like ourselves. When our tanks are empty, it is hard to do anything, and when a minor problem comes up, it makes it hard to roll off our backs. These are the times when we feel stress creep in even more.

When we feel this way, it’s important to S T O P and take note and ask ourselves if we’ve filled our tank lately. If you haven’t, know you’re not alone. We all struggle with it and our busy culture, work and family life can make it difficult to focus on self-care. Maybe you feel selfish when you take a moment for yourself, I know I can feel that way. But we must remind ourselves that self-care is not selfish. Self-care is the fuel that drives us to care for those around us. So, what can you do to fill that tank back up? 

Self-Care will help you be the best employee or employer, the best mom or dad, and the best person you can be. It is by taking care of yourself to be healthy, doing your job, and taking care of others. Self-Care helps you fill that tank up to do all the things you need to do and stay healthy to do them. 

Please don’t take my word for it. The World Health Organization defines self-care as: “the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.” Wikipedia says, “Self-care has been defined as the process of taking care of oneself with behaviors that promote health and active management of illness when it occurs. Individuals engage in some form of self-care daily with food choices, exercise, sleep, and dental care.” 

Let’s also look at some things that Self-Care is not. 

Self-Care is not being selfish, and self-care is not synonymous with self-indulgence. Self-care means taking care of yourself to be healthy, to be well. Unfortunately, many people view self-care as a luxury rather than a priority. Consequently, they're left feeling overwhelmed, tired and find it hard to handle life's inevitable challenges.  Many of my clients who come to me because of anxiety or depression have difficulty self-care.

 We need to start looking at Self-Care differently. We need to start incorporating it into our lives daily. It is crucial, just like brushing our teeth and showering, to be healthy. 

It is essential to assess how you're caring for yourself in several different domains so you can ensure you're caring for your mind, body, and spirit. Self-Care is anything that we deliberately do or refrain from doing with our well-being in mind. It means giving ourselves the same grace, compassion, and care that we provide to others.

We all take care of our physical health. Did you know our emotional health is just as important? I want to ask you, what are you doing for your emotional health?  How are you taking care of your emotional health? I hope now you will say, I practice self-care every day. I bet many of you were doing self-care and did not even know it.  

If you do not have any ideas on what you can do for self-care, you can download my self-care list. I give this list to my clients and hope it will help you as well. 

So remember to care for yourself this week, and to refuel that tank so you can be the best version of yourself! If you’d like to talk about self-care or anything else, I’d love to meet with you. Feel free to reach out for an appointment, 951-778-0230.

~Diana

I have always wanted to help people and have been working in the mental health field for the past twenty years. I enjoy being a therapist and seeing my clients improve their lives. My past clients have suffered with all types of trauma including domestic violence, human trafficking, sexual or physical abuse. People come in to see me often feel broken, scared, ashamed, worthless. It is so gratifying to see my clients getting better and living their full lives free of guilt and shame. I also have experiences working with men, women, teens and children. Specifically, I have worked with men struggling with addiction and the process of recovery. I have an in-depth understanding of how addiction, trauma, domestic violence, childhood abuse and sexual exploration impacts my clients and how these struggles can affect an individual, couple and the family relationships. I do not want you to feel you are alone with no where to turn.

Traditions Are Everywhere, Make Self-Care One Of Yours!

The last few days different traditions have taken place around the world. Here in the US, lots of kids went Trick or Treating on October 31 for Halloween. Other parts of the world celebrated All Saints Day on November 1  (celebrated in honor of all the saints, known and unknown) which is followed on November 1st and 2nd  by Day of the Dead or also called  Día de los Muertos, a more Latin American custom where it is      believed that the souls of the dead return to visit their living family members.

Most of these holidays are related to honoring our deceased. Many of us have experienced significant losses this past year to year and a half due to the COVID 19 pandemic.

As I realized how many of these different traditions occurred over the last week, I became intrigued with how different cultures view death. In America we are familiar with the traditional funeral where family members, friends and relatives gather around the body (often wearing all black) and later there is a ceremony held in a church, synagogue or temple with a rabbi, priest or other officiant leading the service. At other times, instead of a funeral, there is a memorial service, which is much of the same structure as a funeral although the deceased’s body is not present at the service. Because a memorial service occurs after the remains have been cared for, there is often more room for creativity. This is because the family can take more time to plan a ceremony and decide how they want to pay tribute to their loved one. More recently there is a trend of honoring the dead with a celebration of life ceremony which is usually a more relaxed and party-like atmosphere with guests sharing stories about their loved ones.

The celebration of life sounds similar to South American people honoring their dead by holding a ‘vela’ where guests share memories of their loved ones while eating and drinking.

In Africa, most believe in ancestors (the dead who continue living and guiding their family in the afterlife) and they believe that the ancestor will become a wandering ghost if a proper funeral or burial didn’t take place. With lots of different tribes (over 3,000) and countries, there are many different traditions.

The different countries in Asia have their own specific way in viewing death and have their own unique rituals and customs. For example, in China, mirrors are removed, and cloth is hung on the doorway of their homes. Which has some similarities to Russia, where before funeral mirrors are covered and clocks are stopped to avoid more death in the family. That’s similar to the changes made to sit Shiva in the Jewish tradition.

In Western Europe, the traditional mass followed by a grave burial are influenced by beliefs in a higher power that influences funeral traditions.

I am so in awe about so many different ways and traditions to honor our death. What is important in any culture, I think, is taking care of ourselves in those difficult times too. Partially this might be accomplished by having your family and/or friends around you for support. But selfcare also consists in making sure we eat, get sleep, regular medical care and hopefully are able to go outside in the fresh air. Other possibilities for selfcare could be: finding a hobby, watching a funny movie, reading a book, cuddling with a pet, and/or not working during your time off.

Let’s try a self care activity: Pick a window and spend a few minutes looking outside. Notice what’s happening. What shapes, colors, patterns do you see? Do you notice anything new?

Creating the tradition of self-care, not only in the difficult times when someone died, but any time is important.

To discover more about the importance of self-care and/or ideas for self-care, don’t hesitate to reach out to myself or my colleagues at Central Counseling Services. We are here to guide and help you find the right selfcare tradition for you. You can reach us at (951) 778-0230.

Ilse enjoying nature to practice self-care.

I earned my Master degree in Clinical Psychology from Vrije Universiteit Brussel. Yes, that’s in Belgium where there is no IN-N-Out or 91 freeway. I’m a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors. That allows me to provide extra resources and educational opportunities to give you the best care you deserve.

I welcome clients from all cultural backgrounds, family structure, beliefs and ages, and work with most issues. My colleagues and clients call me the “resource Queen.” That means if even one client needs a resource or a new approach, I will find it and we will use it. My commitment is always to provide my clients with the best care and most current resources.

Call our office at (951) 778-0230 to set up an appointment. The office is open seven days a week, and I am available weekdays. I will see you soon.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, let’s make it:

● great

● worthwhile

● count

● awesome

● wonderful

....... it’s up to you!

--

Ilse Aerts, M.S., LMFT # 96211, LPCC # 6135,CCTP, CATP

Tips on Dealing with Separation Anxiety

As I walk up the stairs my son is twisting and shouting from downstairs. He’s crying like he is in physical pain! But it’s nothing serious, he just wants me to stay downstairs with him. When I go to the restroom, he’s banging on the door demanding to be let in. Oh and most recently, he throws himself on the floor demanding for me to go outside and play with him. I don’t have time, but he refuses to go without me. He wants access to me EVERY MOMENT of the day!

Does this sound familiar?

Your kids

pets

partners

or even yourself?

This is separation anxiety. 

A normal behavior that is traditionally seen in early years for children but can become a problem if the person can’t learn to sooth themselves and regulate their emotions until they are reunited with their caregiver. For most of us, this is an early childhood experience and it ends there, but nationally anxiety rates have increased as a result of covid 19 fears and large populations working from home. 

Signs that someone is struggling with separation anxiety:

• Seeking their comforting object/person, especially when preparing to be left alone

• Crying when the caregiver is out of sight

• Nightmares or refusing to fall asleep without their caregiver present

• Finding reasons that they cannot be left alone (stomachache, hungry, restroom change, etc.) 

• Showing signs that they worry about being alone or being in danger

• Clinging to their caregiver when they return

How do you deal with separation anxiety?

• Do not, I repeat, Do NOT sneak away when your child is not looking. This may seem like the easier way to leave your household, but it reinforces to your child that if they are not alert scary things will happen. They need to mentally prepare for being alone, not feel panicked when they realize they are alone. 

• Be compassionate (towards them and yourself)

• They need to feel safe in their environment, which means predictable and stable

• Manage your own feelings about your loved one crying or possible feelings of guilt. These feelings are normal, and you can normalize for your child that we are all struggling to adjust

• Gradually expose them to time away from you. Start with small trips to boost their confidence

• Find ways to show your loved one that when they aren’t with you that you still think about them 

• Create a transitional object (A security blanket, favorite stuffed animal, etc.) Something to provide comfort while you’re away

For more information see Separation anxiety disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic.

Book an appointment at CCS by calling 951-778-0230

-Vanessa

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Vanessa has been a therapist for nearly 10 years. She provides individual, family, and couples counseling services to people of all ages in both English and Spanish. She periodically runs parenting groups and completes psychological evaluations for immigration cases. In her off time, she enjoys spending time with her family, travelling, tasting new foods, and completing various arts and crafts projects. Provides Services Tuesday-Friday from 9:00am-6pm.