What Does Thanksgiving Look Like?

Thanksgiving evokes from me a time to sit around a table with family and friends and talk about the year's past.  Since this time of COVID, I'm aware many of our family and friends may not be present, through illness, or they are fearful of getting together like they once did or fear someone has Covid, and of course, those who are not living any longer as those we had to say goodbye to.  So, I ask myself, “What does Thanksgiving look like now?” What does it look like to be thankful, have traditions, and gather with others in a Covid-19 world?

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This year has been different in how we are saying goodbye to our loved ones– Hospitals limited us to only one person allowed to visit at a time. Clients have reported hearing the nurses say, "we're sorry there are no admits to this wing at this time."  

Another significant change is that we couldn't bury the departed like we used to. We had to do virtual services instead of in-person services. I observed, just last week, a gathering where I live that had been postponed for over six months. Finally, these folks got together in the dining room to say goodbye to the departed loved one; her friends and family surrounded the widow and began singing together. They told tales of her departed husband and brought pictures to talk about him and his life with her. No one should have to wait such a long time to grieve, but we all had to be safe!

I also see from TV and Social media "what the Thanksgiving holiday is supposed to be" –"What it's supposed to look like"

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the perfect picture: turkey waiting to be sliced up, mashed potatoes,  veggies, salad, pumpkin pie -and, I am aware for many folks, they have been living on the street or living with relatives (if that lucky) or those who don't want to live anywhere but on the street, where they say they feel they are safer than cooped up in a rental apartment.

Their Thanksgiving looks very different than my Thanksgiving. 

Many people are generous, they choose to work in food banks or feeding the hungry on Thanksgiving. I've been fortunate to never find myself in such straights.  And, so I ask myself what "can I really do for the less fortunate ?"

There are many ways I can volunteer in my area: be on the food lines, help prepare a meal, help deliver a meal for that week, listen to elderly neighbors tell their stories, and so forth. 

As a therapist, I console others at times, assisting clients when they find themselves alone.

Not all of us have family, spouses, or close friends.

But in this time of COVID, we also are so isolated and alone, especially now as we all try to find some peace and resemblance of normalcy. 

As a therapist, I am genuinely interested in "their stories." Stories of family, children, their work lives, now-today lives. Take time to listen. Better yet, If you can extend yourself safely to your neighbors, check in with them in person or on Zoom, call them or Facetime.

Leave a piece of pie for them. 

Make that extra time to say hello or share a meal.

We have all had a tough year. 

May you enjoy the Thanksgiving you create this Season. 

~Judy

Judy provides Clinical Supervision at Central Counseling Services in Riverside. She is a Mother, Grandmother, and GG, and loves the work she does at CCS.  She enjoys trainings on the most recent theories in our work, and has specialties of working with First Responders, Trauma victims, and providing workshops on Prevention of Suicide with her colleague Sherry Shockey-Pope. Call us today if you would like to work with Judy.

What’s wrong with wanting things to be perfect?

Have you already started to feel the pressure of hosting for the holidays? Or maybe you just want

your dish to be the absolute best? Even staying home and trying to salvage the holiday spirit can

be challenging for someone struggling with perfectionism. Most of us want to make a good

impression, but this is not the same as wanting to be perfect.

While doing your personal best is a great goal, it is possible to reach unrealistic expectations, as

in expecting flawlessness. While some people with the condition of OCD might strive for

perfection, perfectionism itself is not a condition. Perfectionism is a personality trait. For many,

doing their personal best is a sign of success and healthy determination, but for some the feelings

of disappointed for anything less than exceptional can be daunting.

Perfectionism is exhausting! You might find yourself starting over completely regardless of how

many compliments you receive. It feels like a never-ending race because the finish line is always

being moved every time a new idea or criticism pops into your mind.

In, The Gifts of Imperfection, psychologist and professor Brené Brown explains that “Shame is

the birthplace of perfectionism.” Meaning that the goal of perfectionism can be to avoid feeling

judgement and trying to earn someone’s approval. The perfectionism is meant to cover up our

own insecurities by not letting them see the real us.

So, how do you fight this desire to be perfect? Allow yourself to be enough just as you are.

Rather than focus on being perfect, focus on being the best version of you. That is enough! There

is no competition. Your value is not determined by how much others approve of you or are

impressed by you.

Here is a list of statements and suggestions you can try if you’re struggling with perfectionism

• “I can accept that others believe I have done a great job, even if it is hard for me to agree.”

• “Thoughts are just thoughts – they’re not necessarily true or factual”

• “This is difficult and uncomfortable, but it’s only temporary”

• What would I say to a friend if they were in this position?

• Ask someone you trust for an objective opinion

• Pointing out all of the things that you did like about your project/performance

Check out https://hbr.org/2019/04/how-to-manage-your-perfectionism for more tips on how to

overcome your perfectionism. *Non-Affiliate link*

Thanksgiving When You Don’t Feel Thankful

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That’s quite a title, isn’t it? If you are reading this you may be simply curious about a therapist writing a blog about not feeling thankful… or maybe this is a year you are not ready to see the holidays arrive. If that’s you, this one’s for you.

The holidays are a great way to reconnect with family, to have a "Friendsgiving" with those who aren’t family but probably should have been, to share old traditions, welcome new folks, watch a game (and argue about the game), argue more about politics (Okay, probably not this year), and to be with

"your people",

whoever they may be. It’s a time that is supposed to smell like baking and food and cinnamon. The leaves are supposed to turn (except here in California we have to travel to see that sight), and sweaters should appear as we sit by a fire.

 

Except for some people, it’s none of that. Those are my people. As a grief counselor, I spend this time of year with clients missing loved ones, some with losses only weeks ago. New clients find me online after searching for bereavement and loss therapists. They bring in children trying to make sense of what death means. Teens come in trying to figure out how to go to church next month when they are no longer sure God exists or, if he or she does, then why they should pray to someone who took their mom or dad or best friend. Others come in who created a family with their furry family members, and a special one who meant everything to them has now crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

For my people, the grievers, the survivors, the ones still in shock about what just happened, the holidays are not all fireplaces and fuzzy socks and pumpkin pies. They are a collective sense of:

•       Panic- crowds are too much for them
•      Sadness- they miss someone so much that “celebrating” is unfathomable
•      Anger- their loved one died, and everyone else at the table has their person with them. Or someone at that table has told them to get past it, to be happy their loved one is not longer in pain, or that they should celebrate that they are healed now. Or, even harder, someone at the table did not show up before their loved one died.
• Exhaustion- they just have no energy for events or memories or cooking. Or even smiling.
•   Fear- what happens if they need to cry? Or leave?
• Stress- death can be expensive. They may not be able to afford the stuff that makes the holidays.

Grieving people are frequently encouraged to attend the events and to be strong or to smile and celebrate the memories. It’s easy to say and expect that. It’s not realistic for many. So here are my rules for the holidays when you wish they would just go away this year.

1.     You do not have to host

2.     You do not have to attend

3.     You may take your own car if you do attend that way you can leave if you feel overwhelmed.

4.     You owe no apologies for not attending or for leaving

5.     You need to rest more

6.     You need to take your vitamins, drink fluids (not too much alcohol please), and take care of yourself

7.     Shopping can wait, or be done online. You’re probably not sleeping, so shop at 2am.

8.     Church/temple/meetings/mass is not required

9.     Socializing at #8 venues is not required of you do attend

10.  Take time out to remember your loved one, and talk about them. They are still part of your holidays- and they always will be.

11.  You have permission to not follow traditions, or to change them.

You can’t avoid the holidays- the grocery store, post office, bank, TV, and coffee shop have seen to that. But you get to choose how much and if you participate.

I am here to help if you need some extra support . Call me at Central Counseling Services, (951) 778-0230, or find us at centralcounselingservices.com