Managing Grief And The Holidays

Here come the holidays- and the grief

Let’s manage it!

The holidays are around the corner. Well, 2 corners on the calendar, but it seems to be speeding up, doesn’t it? There is even a shortage of the foods many look forward to, which is adding to that sense of needing to be ready. 

But what about those of us who have had losses this year? Covid has taken a toll on all of us. Even if you escaped illness and loss, we all faced the loss of parts of our year. And in some families the politics surrounding the pandemic has splintered the normal gathering now that we can finally have a gathering again. 

Acknowledging grief at this time of year can be kind of awful. It can be awkward as some of us stumble over what to say- do we say the names of those missing? Do we talk about them? Do we just keep busy and hope nobody will bring it up? What do we do with our own sadness right now? 

As a grief therapist I want you to know you have permission to talk about the loved ones who are missing from your table, and to include them in your special days. Teach the littles in your family that grief is normal and part of life, and that it is not scary. If yours is a family that does not talk about loss you can be the rule breaker this year. Trust me- there will be a lot of that across the country and the globe. 

There are great children’s books you can read to normalize the experience of someone missing. Try “The Invisible String” – or “The Invisible Leash” if a beloved pet is missing. If you need more ideas ask your counselor at Central Counseling Services- we have grief resources!

Some other ideas:

• Light a memorial candle. Invite children and other friends/family to share memories.

• Write a card or letter to the person who died.

• Write memories on strips of paper and use them to create a paper chain in colors for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, or Christmas. 

• Hang a special decoration in memory of the person, such as a wreath or stocking, or set out a special menorah for them and take turns through the eight nights lighting the candles and sharing a memory.  If a stocking is used, family members can place cards or pieces of paper with memories inside.

• Buy a gift the person would have liked and donate it to a charity, or a meal to a food program or senior center. 

• Giftwrap a box and make an opening in the top for family and friends to share written memories. At a special time the box can be unwrapped and the memories shared.

• Set a special memorial place at the table during a holiday meal.

• Create a memorabilia table or corner where you can place photos, stuffed animals, toys, cards, foods, and any other kinds of mementos.

• Share one of the person’s favorite foods or meals. Food can be a great spark for sharing memories, as well as a sense of security. 

I hope your holiday season is special as we navigate back into family and friends to celebrate. If you find yourself struggling, Central Counseling Services has therapists available to help, including clinicians for anyone who does not have insurance through our new nonprofit branch. We can be reached at (951) 778-0230

---

As a therapist and a social worker I work from your strengths to enhance the skills you already have and to address the issues holding you back or disrupting your life. My goal is to assist you in reaching a more satisfying state in your life, to reduce your stress, and to make home a better place to be. My specialties include working through grief and loss (including children's grief and anticipatory grief), chronic illness issues, depression and mood disorders, trauma recovery, adoption and infertility issues, and geriatric and aging issues. I have extensive experience in sexual assault recovery. I am available for crisis intervention in the workplace. I am a speaker/trainer and have provided training to parenting groups, educational support groups, community groups and employer groups. Some of my topics include Alzheimer, dementia, caregiving 101, child abuse reporting laws, parenting the adoptive child and trauma recovery. I currently, facilitate a dementia support group (see events page) and I worked with a group to develop the City of Riverside into a "Purple City" to help people with memory care issues. I am a member of the National Association of Social Workers (NASW) and I am Certified as a Grief Recovery Method® Specialist.

What’s wrong with wanting things to be perfect?

Have you already started to feel the pressure of hosting for the holidays? Or maybe you just want

your dish to be the absolute best? Even staying home and trying to salvage the holiday spirit can

be challenging for someone struggling with perfectionism. Most of us want to make a good

impression, but this is not the same as wanting to be perfect.

While doing your personal best is a great goal, it is possible to reach unrealistic expectations, as

in expecting flawlessness. While some people with the condition of OCD might strive for

perfection, perfectionism itself is not a condition. Perfectionism is a personality trait. For many,

doing their personal best is a sign of success and healthy determination, but for some the feelings

of disappointed for anything less than exceptional can be daunting.

Perfectionism is exhausting! You might find yourself starting over completely regardless of how

many compliments you receive. It feels like a never-ending race because the finish line is always

being moved every time a new idea or criticism pops into your mind.

In, The Gifts of Imperfection, psychologist and professor Brené Brown explains that “Shame is

the birthplace of perfectionism.” Meaning that the goal of perfectionism can be to avoid feeling

judgement and trying to earn someone’s approval. The perfectionism is meant to cover up our

own insecurities by not letting them see the real us.

So, how do you fight this desire to be perfect? Allow yourself to be enough just as you are.

Rather than focus on being perfect, focus on being the best version of you. That is enough! There

is no competition. Your value is not determined by how much others approve of you or are

impressed by you.

Here is a list of statements and suggestions you can try if you’re struggling with perfectionism

• “I can accept that others believe I have done a great job, even if it is hard for me to agree.”

• “Thoughts are just thoughts – they’re not necessarily true or factual”

• “This is difficult and uncomfortable, but it’s only temporary”

• What would I say to a friend if they were in this position?

• Ask someone you trust for an objective opinion

• Pointing out all of the things that you did like about your project/performance

Check out https://hbr.org/2019/04/how-to-manage-your-perfectionism for more tips on how to

overcome your perfectionism. *Non-Affiliate link*

Five tips on how to deal with toxic family members during the holidays

Families members are the people who can find the buttons we have and push them as though they were on an elevator. A perfect time for family members to do that are on holidays when everyone is stressed, anxious and exhausted. Toxic family members are known for ruining perfectly good holiday moments as a sort of sport.

One of the most upsetting aspects of being around a toxic family can often be that you feel like you have no control.

Let’s set the scene; you go to grandma’s house and there is aunt Rachel in all her glory ready to start commenting on everyone’s biggest insecurities; you aren’t in your own home so that makes you more vulnerable to begin with; you look on your Facebook and you see everyone else’s families are enjoying themselves so you think to yourself “well, I guess seeing aunt Rachel can’t be THAT bad.” What comes next is right, aunt Rachel isn’t THAT bad, she’s worse and all you are left thinking is “how do I get out of here with some dignity intact?”  The truth is you will never be able to control other people but with these tips you can control how you respond to those tricky family situations.

1. Be aware of your triggers - What this means is if you know aunt Rachel is going to comment on your haircut, don’t open yourself up to that. If she starts asking about your hair, excuse yourself, or change the subject entirely. If she manages to sneak in a passive-aggressive comment, give the least amount of emotional attention to it because the reaction is what toxic people thrive on most of all.

2. Do your own self-care - What this means is to make sure you are keeping your mental health intact the best way possible by keeping stress down. Go to your yoga class, or going out with friends and surrounding yourself with people who care about you, so when aunt Rachel is at it again, you can text your best friend your favorite explicit emoji and she “gets” it.

3. Set reasonable expectations - This means understanding how your family is and accepting it. You don’t have to like it but you do need to accept it and understanding that they won’t change. Stop setting the bar so high; because these toxic people can’t meet it. If there is any real change with your family members, it is better to be pleasantly surprised, than having to be stressed with your toxic family members. Just focus on surviving the event, and consider anything else positive that happens a bonus. Think of this as looking at the big picture; aunt Rachel is just behaving as she always has.

4. Keep your boundaries - Ask yourself if you even really need to be there in the first place. Have you hit the point where you cannot handle being around your family without having severe panic attacks or a colossal guilt trip?  Then better to skip the event, stay home or better yet, go spend the holiday with your favorite people. Skipping the event altogether is way better than you being upset the entire time you are there. Having that sick feeling in your stomach or feeling beat-up emotionally is simply not worth it. Sometimes it is healthier to let yourself have your own space from those family members. Thinking about attending only when the toxic behaviors changes, never lower the boundaries and your expense.

5. Keep conversations light - Everyone has triggering conversations and one way to avoid this is to keep conversations light; movies, weather, do not talk about politics, religion, money or about other people that are not present. These topics have a lot of emotions tied to them and it is easy to get caught up and then feel badly after the conversation.

---

By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment- it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.

Surviving the Holidays with Anxiety

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 40 million people (18%) in the Unites States experience an anxiety disorder in any given year. The rates of anxiety are increasing in children and it is believed that 8% of children are now experiencing anxiety prior to the age of 18. It is the most commonly diagnosed mental health disorder with approximately 1/3 of those struggling with anxiety receiving treatment.

For those with anxiety, the holidays can seem very overwhelming. There are many reasons why this might be the case. Holidays increase the number of tasks required (shopping, cooking, gift giving, preparing the home for guests, less time for physical fitness, etc.) for someone who is already trying to manage day to day life. For those who brave shopping in overcrowded stores, this can present as a trigger all of its own. In addition, holidays can present as a yearly reminder of lost loved ones, changes in families caused by divorce or separation, and can add to already existing financial stressors.

I am sure the first thought must be, how can I add something to my already crazy daily schedule when I am struggling already? If you already experience anxiety and this is speaking to you, I would like to share with you the benefits of including mindfulness into your day with some ideas that can be incorporated in 5-10 minutes or less. I have shared some of these ideas with my clients in sessions and have heard back that they were helpful. I hope that some of the 5 ideas listed below are helpful to you as well.

• Close your eyes. Take one deep breath in through your nose, hold for a count of three, and release your breath in an audible sigh. Repeat three times, open your eyes, and return to your day. This breath work can be especially helpful for helping to slow an increased heart rate that is often a symptom of anxiety. If shopping in crowded stores is a trigger for you, this exercise may be used in public places too, but perhaps with eyes open.

• Gentle yoga stretching can offer some relief from muscle tension often associated with anxiety. You needn’t be an experienced yogi to stretch and get benefits, nor does this require a large amount of flexibility. A gentle bending position (you can touch your toes if you like, but if your body does not bend that far, it is ok to not touch them) called forward fold can help reset your breath. As in the first exercise, breathe in through your nose and release through the mouth. Another stretch called “legs at the wall” can be a good relaxation stretch as well. In this stretch, you lie on your back with your bottom up against the wall and your legs resting against the wall. It does not matter if they are flat against the wall. If your hamstrings are tight, this would be uncomfortable, so feel free to give yourself as much space as you need. Both of these stretches are inversion stretches, which means your head is below heart and they are known for inducing relaxation. As in the first exercise, breathe in through your nose and release through the mouth. You might even pay attention to the rise and fall of your chest while you are breathing, and center all of your thoughts there. Take your time getting up from forward fold. Also, for legs at that wall, turn to your right side and pause for a minute or two before pulling back up to a standing position. It is important to take this moment to allow the blood in your body to return to its normal rhythm and lessen any possibility of feeling lightheaded.

• Body scanning can be a great way to identify where you are storing your stress and anxiety in your body. You can scan in a sitting or lying down, whichever you prefer. If it helps, turn off the lights, and close your eyes. Quiet, instrumental music can be helpful in screening out any outside noise for some people. Begin with your head and pay attention to any sensation. Mentally travel from the top of your head down your forehead, to your cheekbones, down the back of your head and note any sensation. Pay close attention to anything that feels like tension or discomfort. You can maintain a gentle breathing pattern in through your nose and out through your mouth as you travel down your body. Continue until you make your way through your torso, your arms, hands, fingers, upper legs, lower legs, feet, and toes.

• Use guided visualization to allow your mind to take you somewhere that you typically find a relaxing place. For some, this can be the sounds of the waves crashing at the beach, for others, a wooded landscape, and still others a comfortable place in the home. Close your eyes, picture yourself there, and think of the other sensations you might encounter there that bring you relaxation. It might be a salty sea breeze, or the smell of pines in the forest. As with the other exercises, allow your breath to fall into a gentle movement. You might pair it to the movement in your imagery.

• Lastly, gratitude journaling can offer a nice alternative for replacing thoughts that are often centered on stressors. You may find this is easiest to do first thing in the morning (in which case, you might reflect on your previous day) or just before bedtime or even sometime in between these times. The goal is to center your thoughts on something positive about your day, and write it down. It can be anything. It might be a nice smell from the garden, a hug from a friend, a compliment from a stranger, or even a cuddle from a pet. If you really enjoy this exercise, you can add to your list. I enjoy making a list of 3, but this is completely up to you.
  

If you continue to have anxiety symptoms after the holidays it may be time to seek professional help. Central Counseling Services invites you to contact them to set-up an appointment to talk to Colleen or another caring therapist by calling (951) 778-0230. We have two locations, Riverside and Murrieta to serve you.

---

By Colleen Duggin, LCSW

Colleen Duggin, LCSW has vast experience working with children and families. She is an expert with families and children dealing with Anxiety, ADHD, Autism, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Colleen feels it’s an honor to help parents and children restore control, peace and calmness back into the family. She is a believer that there are no excuses to not have control of your life.

Celebrating Your Holidays Away From Home

No, I am not talking about celebrating when you are going on a short trip during the Holidays.  I’m reaching out to those of us who were obligated or forced to move out of your home environment- or even when those of us who made a personal choice to move out of our home country or state.

Choosing to move to Southern California 15 years ago still, stirs up a variety of emotions during the Holidays for me.  Even though it was very exciting to move from a cold, wet, dark country to sunny California, it was so strange and foreign (pun intended) to hear Christmas songs and seeing decorated trees in 80-degree weather.  My first Christmas in Southern California was celebrated with friends at an outside barbecue gathering, which was total opposite from an inside dinner with close relatives around a fire in the fireplace. It was such a big shift, even when it was my choice to relocate.  It is probably even more difficult when you must leave or have been forced to flee from your home country and leave (some of) your loved ones or friends behind.  There are undoubtedly some feelings of grief and loss feelings, or anger, or even anxiety when you see other people enjoying holiday traditions with their relatives.

Is it all negative? Absolutely not. There will be new traditions and celebrations with new colleagues at work.  But what if you are just stuck at home?  Adjusting to the new ‘home’ will go easier when you start reaching out to others.  Attend some local festivities or when invite to parties bring some of your own traditions to celebrate Holidays in a new way with friends.  New customs doesn’t mean that you have to change your values, you can incorporate them into new traditions.

The process of adjusting takes time. I am still adjusting to Holiday songs with the 80-degree weather but am also grateful to celebrate with new friends during our outside gatherings. HIf this hits home with you or touches on your holiday experiences, we are available to help. You can reach me or our other clinicians at Central Counseling Services. We are available six days a week at (951) 778-0230 if you need any assistance or guidance during this time of year. Happy Holidays!

Ilse Aerts, M.S., LMFT#96211