Communication is so important with all relationships including friendships, colleagues, family and romantic relationships. We not only want others to listen to us, but we want to be HEARD. There is a difference between talking and communicating, and we have to learn how to communicate effectively. Let’s talk about 5 easy and effective communication tips that can transform your relationships.
Many of us are quite familiar with the word codependency. We often associate it with someone who is “needy” or who relies on others to do every day life. In reality, codependency is far more than just relying on others; it is a maladaptive way of maintaining interpersonal relationships and a skewed view of self. Let’s talk about a few yellow flags of codependency in any relationship…
By now most people have heard “red flags” in relationships and “ what makes a relationship toxic or unhealthy?” Well, I am now going to put another spin on it and we are going to talk about “ green flags”. You may be asking, “ what is a green flag?” A green flag is a sign that this person may very well be a decent partner for you.
1. Feeling good when being around each other is a huge green flag; when you each take pleasure in being around and sharing space with one another. Feeling happy, confident, safe, and being able to laugh together is an important part of a relationship and enjoying that person's company.
2. Being able to let your guard down and be vulnerable with that person is a green flag. When you are able to be comfortable enough with your partner that you can share unpleasant feelings or experiences, that is a green flag.
3. Getting reassurance from your partner is a deeper level of intimacy and that is a green flag. When there is a lot of communication, understanding, and listening between the two of you, you are in green flag territory.
4. Adapting to change in a healthy manner is a green flag. Relationships change and adapt over time. Relationships go through struggles but it is HOW you deal with those struggles where the green flags come in. when you can be open and discuss each others opposing opinions about things, take accountability, be respectful to one another during an argument, these are skills that have evolved your relationship into something more intimate and deeper.
5. Showing gratitude is another green flag. Having someone who is positive and appreciates the things you say. Whether it's sending them a song that makes you think of them, or simply saying thank you, is important.
6. Sharing common goals and values is a green flag. When your partner can support you on the things that are important to you, that is very important in a relationship.
7. Being able to be your true authentic self with no ridicule or judgment is an important green flag. Never underestimate the power of your partner letting you be your silly self without judging you.
8. Being challenged in a relationship is also a green flag. When you are able to be empowered by your partner or able to engage in teamwork with your partner, these are important. Encouraging each other to follow your dreams is a big green flag.
9. Being able to sacrifice for the relationship, while still remaining independent is a green flag. There may be things you will need to sacrifice to maintain the other person being kept as a priority, but keeping your independence is a good balance and a good example of keeping a healthy boundary.
10. Communication is a green flag. Being consistent with calls and texts, and being tuned in to each other when engaged in conversation is important.
It is just as important to recognize the good in relationships as it is to find the red flags. Being able to analyze these and have self-awareness is an important part of mental health.
For more ways to gain self-awareness book an appointment at CCS by calling 951-778-0230
You may be thinking “ how does someone not know they are in an abusive relationship?” well the answer at times is not always clear due to the manipulation and gaslighting that can come along with it. I will give some signs that you are in an abusive relationship while describing what types of abuse there are.
Emotional Abuse- There will be some attacks on their partner's self-worth, name-calling and belittling, and humiliation. There may be some accusations for example of cheating or various behavior that are unjust. The abuser will then rationalize their behavior by saying “ relax, it was just a joke.” Or “ you make
me act this way.” Another thing that can happen is in public everything is all smiles and in private, the abuser turns on his partner in these negative and abusive ways leaving the victim feeling confused, worthless, and hurt. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and what this is, is a way to make you feel “crazy.” If
there is something to be true about the abuser and you confront them, they will do whatever it takes to make you feel like you imagined the whole thing and make you question yourself. It will turn you against your own logic, even if the truth is right there in your face and in some circumstances even make your abuser look like “ the good guy.”
Physical Abuse- This will be instances of hitting, kicking, biting, pushing/shoving, throwing objects at them, or harming with a weapon. Using any type of restraints classifies as abuse.
Sexual Abuse- This one is common, yet not talked about often and this looks like where the abuser will force sexual contact ( not just intercourse) on their partner. Treating your partner like a sexual object is also abusive. Using sex to get what you want and assign value and importance to your partner is abusive. Withholding sex and affection as a form of punishment is a way to be abusive as well.
Threats and Intimidation- An abuser might threaten their partner by giving a threatening look or gesture, with the point being they want to instill fear. They might track your every move. They could threaten to destroy your property or harm something or someone they love. This instills fear, anxiety, and panic in their partner.
Isolation- The abuser will isolate their partner from their friends and family. They might do this by limiting or even cutting off all contact from others. They may physically do this, but it is often done by intimation and mind games. They will chip away at their partner's self-esteem so that they are the only person in their partner's world, which is abusive.
Economic Abuse- What this looks like is withholding money from your partner and not letting them get their own job or their own money so that they can be financially dependent on their abuser.
Using Children As Pawns- What this looks like is threatening custody of the children in order to get what the abuser wants. It can also look like criticizing their partner's parenting skills and telling their children lies about the other parent.
Supervision does not take laser-focused intensity: nor does it take exhausting yourself with keeping them entertained. It calls for three levels of monitoring. Each of these levels is necessary; for them AND for you. In order for you to not drive each other “crazy”. Plus the child receives the full benefit of autonomy and parental interaction!
Relationships are like fine wines; the taste and consistency will not happen overnight. However, the steadiness, texture, and palatable is borne out of care, understanding, patience, and desire. In my couples, therapy work…I find the “crystal ball” effect being quite prevalent, in fact, it’s so prevalent that when mentioned individuals appear bewildered.
