You may be thinking “ how does someone not know they are in an abusive relationship?” well the answer at times is not always clear due to the manipulation and gaslighting that can come along with it. I will give some signs that you are in an abusive relationship while describing what types of abuse there are.
Emotional Abuse- There will be some attacks on their partner's self-worth, name-calling and belittling, and humiliation. There may be some accusations for example of cheating or various behavior that are unjust. The abuser will then rationalize their behavior by saying “ relax, it was just a joke.” Or “ you make
me act this way.” Another thing that can happen is in public everything is all smiles and in private, the abuser turns on his partner in these negative and abusive ways leaving the victim feeling confused, worthless, and hurt. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and what this is, is a way to make you feel “crazy.” If
there is something to be true about the abuser and you confront them, they will do whatever it takes to make you feel like you imagined the whole thing and make you question yourself. It will turn you against your own logic, even if the truth is right there in your face and in some circumstances even make your abuser look like “ the good guy.”
Physical Abuse- This will be instances of hitting, kicking, biting, pushing/shoving, throwing objects at them, or harming with a weapon. Using any type of restraints classifies as abuse.
Sexual Abuse- This one is common, yet not talked about often and this looks like where the abuser will force sexual contact ( not just intercourse) on their partner. Treating your partner like a sexual object is also abusive. Using sex to get what you want and assign value and importance to your partner is abusive. Withholding sex and affection as a form of punishment is a way to be abusive as well.
Threats and Intimidation- An abuser might threaten their partner by giving a threatening look or gesture, with the point being they want to instill fear. They might track your every move. They could threaten to destroy your property or harm something or someone they love. This instills fear, anxiety, and panic in their partner.
Isolation- The abuser will isolate their partner from their friends and family. They might do this by limiting or even cutting off all contact from others. They may physically do this, but it is often done by intimation and mind games. They will chip away at their partner's self-esteem so that they are the only person in their partner's world, which is abusive.
Economic Abuse- What this looks like is withholding money from your partner and not letting them get their own job or their own money so that they can be financially dependent on their abuser.
Using Children As Pawns- What this looks like is threatening custody of the children in order to get what the abuser wants. It can also look like criticizing their partner's parenting skills and telling their children lies about the other parent.
Is it Bad behavior or Sensory Overload?
Does your child have sensory overload? Does he or she display anxiety, irritability, and restlessness, or avoiding specific places or situations, closing their eyes, covering the face, crying, placing their hands over their ears, the inability to converse with others, or connect to them. Do they run away from specific places or situations? Even going to the school or the cafeteria can lead to sensory overload. The sounds of people talking loudly, strong smells of food, and flickering fluorescent lights can trigger feelings of being overwhelmed and uncomfortable.
Do you feel hopeless because you do not have tools to soothe your child in stressful situations?
Your child may be suffering from a sensory processing disorder.
Most commonly found in children with autism spectrum disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, Down syndrome, ADHD, and PTSD. However, a child with a Neurological condition such as Optic Nerve Hypoplasia (ONH), which affects their sight, can also include the sensory processing disorder. Having OHN was the case for my child. Some children will avoid interactions with peers, have a
difficult time holding a conversation, temper tantrums, overall seem withdrawn, and like quiet places. These are all symptoms of sensory processing problems and not just bad behavior by your child.
Below I have provided some tried and true small tips to help you and your child during sensory overload.
• Help your child avoid triggering situations. This was hard for me with my own child because would become frustrated when she did not want to participate in dance classes or talk to her friend or me. She would avoid conversations and lack emotional excitement when introduced to new experiences.
• Give your child the words to explain what is happening and how it feels. When I started to ask my child how she felt, she began to use the words “scared” or “afraid.” Once I knew how she was feeling, we could start to use self-soothing techniques such a deep breathing, etc..
• Validate the child’s feelings and experiences. Let them know you will always love and care for them, and it is okay to be scared sometimes.
• Inform teachers of the possibility of sensory overload and ask for their support in finding a safe place your child could go when he or she is feeling overwhelmed so they could use coping skills to help reduce the symptoms overload. Sometimes just a new placement in a classroom can help. These children should not be in the middle of the classroom. Aim for a corner or by a wall where they will have fewer children directly around them. This little change may provide your child with significant benefits.
• Seek professional help from an individual therapist to assist with coping skills and self-soothing techniques, talk your to child’s pediatrician and ask for a referral to an occupational therapist. Occupation therapists are excellent resources that can give you exercise to help with self-soothing and self-regulation.
Remember that your child is not trying to be difficult, but if you keep in mind “nails on a chalkboard, ”this sensation is often how your child experiences simple things such as talking or moving their desk at school. There is an actual change in the structure of the brain that makes responding to some daily tasks unbearable for these children. With guidance from your child’s medical teams, your child can learn how to respond better to the stimuli of the world around him.
6 Tips to Better Distance Learning for your Child
Co-Parenting during COVID
It seems this "shelter in place" is a time that is going to tests mom's and dad's nerves when it comes to "custody arrangements". Some of these arrangements have to do with school terms and when parents have made arrangements for custody when school is in or out of session, to attempt to make arrangements helpful for the children and parents.
Now, since kids are being taught "at home" or homeschooled with check-ins from teachers throughout the week. Parents have had to change custody arrangements. Courts are not in session, so for now, the goodwill of both parents is very important. It should be recognized that most parents are very dutiful about thinking of their children when making new arrangements. "Travel" back and forth for children and parents needs to be one of goodwill and fair understanding of the travel ban in their area.
When parents don't show "goodwill" to each other, children will feel the tension, (they already have way too much of that in the Pandemic). Kids know when mom and dad don't agree and can't co-parent well. How to make this fair to everyone should be the concern, especially towards the children's benefit.
Parents! Here is what you need to do: sit down and have the adult conversation without the children and make sound arrangements. Some parents live very close to one another, but other households might be 20, 30 miles away from children's friends, grandparents or other extended families. Keep these specifics in mind as you discuss arrangements. You can spend tons of money going back and forth with attorneys and the courts. Or you can stop squabbling during this very serious time, and work to have a good plan. Then let the children know why and how these arrangements are in their best interest. Zoom, Skype, or FaceTime, can provide parents and children time to talk when they are at the other parent's home; you can talk about the week or the day together. A parent can call and say good-night to their child. You can help them with homework from the teacher via "connections".
At this time in our world, children need the stability of good, caring parents who can set their differences aside, and come together for the children.
Want more information? Check out my latest Vlog on this topic: Keeping the kids feeling safe
Lets Focus on the Children
Our world is going through something many of us have not seen in our lifetime. For that reason, we need to focus a bit on our children. You will notice some of your children are anxious, confused, perhaps having nightmares or not wanting to go to sleep.
When very young children, 5 and under hear the news over and over again, throughout the day, they believe all this chaos is going on over and over again; they become very anxious and afraid. If you have that young of children, please have them in another room if you going to binge-watch the news.
For children 6 through 10, they also may have some of the same reactions. They might stop doing schoolwork, and not wanting to do their chores at home. They may feel guilty and helpless especially if they know someone who has gotten ill or even died. Children also understand the risk their parents are taking if they are essential workers, this can cause them to be extra stressed or worry, understandable of course.
Youth and adolescents 11-19 go through a lot of physical and emotional changes because of their developmental stage. So it may be even harder for them to cope with the anxiety associated with hearing and reading news of the outbreak. Don't forget they have lost a lot too, no promotions/graduations, no prom, no first/last season on the varsity team they worked so hard for. They are grieving those lost memories.
They may say, "I'm ok" or go into silence when they are upset. They may complain about physical aches and pains. All this, because they cannot identify what is really bothering them emotionally. They may also experience anxiety/depression - start arguments at home with siblings or parents and resist any structure or authority. And, they may try to engage in risky behaviors like drugs and alcohol.
As parents, caretakers, and guardians we want to help,
With the right support around them, children and teens can manage their stress in response to COVID-19. We want them emotionally and physically healthy. Perhaps a family "making dinner together" will help, or playing a game of scrabble might just be the right thing. Be a good listener, turn the TV off at times, and bring out the old games that might be familiar to them. They can use hugs, and non-judgemental coaxing.
Often parents on the front line need some "space, time and debriefing" as well and some ways to relax. This is normal and a healthy way to process the stress of the day. Try to maintain consistent routines, let your children know you care and love them, and address your own anxiety and stress, during this debrief.
Sheltering in place means everyone needs some personal space and time. Find a way to make that happen. Keep things in perspective to relieve your stress. Eat healthy foods, and drink lots of water. Avoid excessive amounts of caffeine and alcohol. Don't use tobacco or illegal drugs. To the best of your ability, get adequate sleep, take breaks throughout the day and add in physical exercise.
We will get through this, eventually, we will come out on the other side stronger. Kids need your help as parents to get them through the other side of this. You can do it.
The three levels of Monitoring Your Children
Supervision does not take laser-focused intensity: nor does it take exhausting yourself with keeping them entertained. It calls for three levels of monitoring. Each of these levels is necessary; for them AND for you. In order for you to not drive each other “crazy”. Plus the child receives the full benefit of autonomy and parental interaction!
Parent Café: Self-Care
Hi, I am back with more helpful tips and hints, this time for the care providers. We, as parents, are constantly reminded that our children/child comes first. That is partially correct as parents; we must remember that our children will need us at peak performance most of the time. Depending on their age group as to how much direct supervision and energy will be needed. Albeit it’s hard to find personal time to refuel our energy. We know that spending time with our children helps them to socialize and learn the values of the family as well as community standards. We will not be able to carry out parental duties in an effective manner without self-care.
What is self-care?
Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Though the question seems relatively simple of just how does a parent juggle all the tasks to do self-care? Self-care often gets overlooked or dismissed to a later date, often a date that never happens. Self-care is important for reducing anxiety as well as improving one’s mood. It is necessary for all people but especially for parents.
What isn’t self-care?
Self-care is not a forced act or something we don’t enjoy doing. A scholar once explained self-care is “something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.” https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-self-care-is-and-what-it-isnt-2/
Below are a few helpful self-care tips:
One of the main keys to not becoming overwhelmed by the steps in the process of developing a doable self-care plan. Keep it simple.
Developing a self-care plan that can help enhance one’s health, well-being and manage one’s stress.
Identify activities and practices that support your well-being as will assist you in sustaining a positive long-term self-care plan. Improving and increasing your life.
Another crucial factor is that a self-care plan is personal to you. Everyone’s approach will differ and should relate to the needs of you.
Self-care plans are useful for workplace/professional well-being, physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and relationships. Activities should be tailored to and meaningful to one’s self and intended goals.
Physical self-care should include a regular sleep routine, healthy diet, walk, and exercise.
Psychological self-care consists of reflective journaling, hobby, time away from emails and social media, relaxation, positive interaction with family and friends.
Emotional self-care encompasses developing supportive friendships, write three good things that you did each day, play your favorite sport, and talk with friends about how you are coping with life demands.
Spiritual self-care involves reflective meditation, walks, visit your church/mosque/temple, yoga, reflect with a close friend, download the 1 Giant Mind app, and learn mindfulness techniques and its benefits.
Once the plan has been drafted, keep it in a visible location, stick to your plan-practice regularly, and re-assess how you are doing and if it needs adjustments.
Once you create your plan, do a cursory check for any barrier that might hinder you from moving forward. Also, what can you do to remove these barriers? If they cannot be removed, then one might adjust their self-care strategies.
Finally, relationship self-care involves making close relationships, e.g., partners, family, and children a priority attend dedicated events with family and friends, arrive to work, and leave on time every day.
Access the links below, to download and chart your self-care plan, it is really easy to do.
https://schools.au.reachout.com/articles/developing-a-self-care-plan
http://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/developing-your-self-care-plan.html
Another method of self-care that I want to reintroduce are the benefits associated with mindfulness techniques/exercises. Let’s start with what mindfulness is: The term mindfulness refers to a psychological state of awareness, the practices that promote this awareness, a mode of processing information, and a character trait. To be in step with up-to-date research, mindfulness means also “a moment-to-moment awareness of one’s experience without judgment” This definition can be found by clicking here.
Mindfulness-based skills can help both adults and children to cultivate emotion regulation, decreased reactivity, and increased response flexibility, and intrapersonal benefits.
The 5 most common benefits of mindfulness are:
✔ Decreased Stress
✔ Decreased Depressive Symptoms
✔ Increases Self-Compassion
✔ Improved General Health
✔ Increases Positivity in Mental Health Outcomes
Deep Breathing (Mindfulness Exercise) promotes:
Breathing for Enlightenment-develops deep insight
Breathing for Relaxation-helps quieten and clear the mind
Breathing to Let Go of Negativity
Breathing for Inner Peace
Breathing to Learn about Your Body
Breathing to Connect Mind and Body
Source: https://eocinstitute.org/meditation/meditation-and-breathing-benefits-of-mindful-breathing/
Incorporating mindfulness exercises into one’s self-care plan is an added benefit, a benefit that brings positive returns. As this will, i.e., practicing mindfulness will engender a whole-body healing, relaxation, and a peaceful mind and spirit. Therefore, one will likely return to the task at hand with an increase in their self-care toolbox, an arsenal of ways to bringing calm, peace, relaxation, and clearer thinking.
By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC
All people come to counseling to relieve pain and suffering. They feel they have little to no hope left. What they have been doing isn’t working anymore or maybe never did. They feel out of control, scared, and do not know where to turn. Or they may need education in the form of Parenting or Co-parenting classes. Or some just need to work on relationship issues or manage anxiety. Regardless of what brought you to this website I can help. I am caring, understanding and I want you to feel better. I see great things happening for most people within a few sessions. These clients start to feel happy, gain more confident and report they are satisfied with their life. While I cannot guarantee you the same results, I have seen positive results with most clients.
I became a counselor because I wanted to harness great hope and positive energy and to help install healing for my clients. I consider working with people in therapy an honor and privilege to work with each client. In therapy, each person develops their positive mental wellness plan and great growth often takes place.
I discovered my passion for counseling teens while volunteering for Riverside Youth Probation. I enjoyed seeing these teens learn and grow as they figure out who they will become. I also work with caregivers of dementia clients and I see the struggle to care for their loved one. I frequently work with people that suffer from depression, anxiety and trauma. I have specialized training in trauma, working with children and elder adults.
I am a member of the following professional organizations:
Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.
American Counseling Association (ACA).
I look forward to meeting and working with you.
Active Parenting
This blog will focus our attention on active parenting tips for our children to increase their confidence and responsibility. What is active parenting? First and foremost, active parenting help impart to our children values that help create high functioning children and great adults. Active parenting involves instilling:
1. Courage
2. Self-esteem
3. Responsibility
4. Cooperation
These are just a few of the skills necessary for children to learn survival and life skills. When thinking about active parenting, a proactive approach works best. In other words, do not wait until the child does something wrong. Instead, instill values and morals that will serve as your child’s foundation-a building block for growth. Many parents believe instilling values, morals, and socialization is the purpose of active parenting. Find your child doing good and encourage your child by telling them how grateful you are that they did this (___________________) Something like I appriacate it when you help me put the dishes away or when you make you bed or when you are nice to your little sister. Find a way to let your child know that you care and are watching. Ask your child what do they like best about their drawing or their art project. These are just some of the ways to actively parent.
Let us take a quick look at the four basic blocks.
Courage-when instilled as a foundation; children have the strength they will need to try and try again. This build resilience a great tool for life.
Self-esteem-that is to possess a positive image of self.
Responsibility-a child is more than capable of making decisions as well as accept responsibility for that decision.
Cooperation-parents encourage children to work together as well as with others for a positive end. Cooperation is also an essential element needed to facilitate teamwork efforts.
The four basic blocks are important for every child to learn. As a parent; we will not be able to be there for everything our child does. Having our children to use decision-making, along with the courage to stick with his/her decision, is crucial. Another important part of active parenting that revolves around protecting and preparing children to be equipped to survive and thrive in society. Important to that end is for children to feel good about themselves and their decisions and act them out with confidence in everyday life.
For more information on Active Parenting click here
Most parents can agree that is parenting is a full-time job, with no instruction manual. Most parents are unaware of the pivotal role they play in shaping the people their children will eventually become. Parents become teachers, role models, protector and confidante, and many hats, all to get their child/children to a safe place in life.
Unfortunately, parents are tasked with the job of telling your child a hundred or so times the same set of directives. This is needed to help your child’s brain fully understand and be retained in their memory. Essential to effect communicative is a relationship with your child is a vital component in developing a healthy relationship between the parent(s) and children.
Learning how to develop effective communication with your child engenders a stable and loving home life (which helps keeps parents sane). Noting day-to-day activities, e.g., homework, meals, and bedtimes flow more smoothly. Effective communication may also improve your child’ long-term health and development. Studies indicate that children who don’t feel or believe they have a good relationship with their parents are more likely to have low self-esteem, difficulties in school and emotional problems, and are a greater risk for using drugs and experimenting with risky sexual behavior [source: Mental Health America].
Building a strong relationship with your child/children
1. Be consistent with children.
a. Hour to hour, day to day, and week to week, in short, every waking moment remain consistent with rules and discipline
b. Parents must practice the following rules as well, or our children will not either
c. Focus on one key behavior (or misbehavior) that needs addressing
d. The behavior should reflect a reward or disciplinary action [source: Family Education]
2. Stay positive-remain calm, do not yell. Always reward your child for their good behavior.
a. The only way to reverse negative behaviors is to make rules that you can keep and enforce.
3. Be Patient-Even though one may desire quick results; people don’t change overnight.
a. It took time for your children to master their misbehavior; it will take equal time to change them.
4. Expect resistance-Never fear your children are going to test you, especially if you tried enforcing the rule with them before, but failed to follow through.
a. Change can be challenging, and your children are not likely to embrace your new rules. Nevertheless, do not give in or up parents you are likely to win.
5. Stick with it-In order for change to stay long term; consistency is the key
a. Consistency will show your children the behaviors and values that are important to you and in turn, teach them self-discipline [source: Family Education].
A barrier to active parenting: when both parents must work and some parents must work two jobs for family upkeep. Important to families wherein both parents must work is to choose quality over quantity. That means, it is not how much time is spent, but the purposeful meaning embodied in that brief time.
To this end, I am posting a summary of children’s rights as set forth by The UN Convention on the rights of the Child/ UNICEF for every child they list about 42; however, I will only list a few https://www.unicef.org.nz/child-rights
1. Be Recognized
2. Adequate care
3. Parental guidance
4. Life
5. Live with their parents
6. Freedom of expression
7. Freedom of thought
8. Freedom from abuse
9. An education
10. Personal development, survival, and protection
By Valerie Fluker, MA, APCC
All people come to counseling to relieve pain and suffering. They feel they have little to no hope left. What they have been doing isn’t working anymore or maybe never did. They feel out of control, scared, and do not know where to turn. Or they may need education in the form of Parenting or Co-parenting classes. Or some just need to work on relationship issues or manage anxiety. Regardless of what brought you to this website I can help. I am caring, understanding and I want you to feel better. I see great things happening for most people within a few sessions. These clients start to feel happy, gain more confident and report they are satisfied with their life. While I cannot guarantee you the same results, I have seen positive results with most clients.
I became a counselor because I wanted to harness great hope and positive energy and to help install healing for my clients. I consider working with people in therapy an honor and privilege to work with each client. In therapy, each person develops their positive mental wellness plan and great growth often takes place.
I discovered my passion for counseling teens while volunteering for Riverside Youth Probation. I enjoyed seeing these teens learn and grow as they figure out who they will become. I also work with caregivers of dementia clients and I see the struggle to care for their loved one. I frequently work with people that suffer from depression, anxiety and trauma. I have specialized training in trauma, working with children and elder adults.
I am a member of the following professional organizations:
Purple City Alliance helps make The City of Riverside a Dementia Friendly City.
American Counseling Association (ACA).
I look forward to meeting and working with you.
