Managing Grief And The Holidays

Here come the holidays- and the grief

Let’s manage it!

The holidays are around the corner. Well, 2 corners on the calendar, but it seems to be speeding up, doesn’t it? There is even a shortage of the foods many look forward to, which is adding to that sense of needing to be ready. 

But what about those of us who have had losses this year? Covid has taken a toll on all of us. Even if you escaped illness and loss, we all faced the loss of parts of our year. And in some families the politics surrounding the pandemic has splintered the normal gathering now that we can finally have a gathering again. 

Acknowledging grief at this time of year can be kind of awful. It can be awkward as some of us stumble over what to say- do we say the names of those missing? Do we talk about them? Do we just keep busy and hope nobody will bring it up? What do we do with our own sadness right now? 

As a grief therapist I want you to know you have permission to talk about the loved ones who are missing from your table, and to include them in your special days. Teach the littles in your family that grief is normal and part of life, and that it is not scary. If yours is a family that does not talk about loss you can be the rule breaker this year. Trust me- there will be a lot of that across the country and the globe. 

There are great children’s books you can read to normalize the experience of someone missing. Try “The Invisible String” – or “The Invisible Leash” if a beloved pet is missing. If you need more ideas ask your counselor at Central Counseling Services- we have grief resources!

Some other ideas:

• Light a memorial candle. Invite children and other friends/family to share memories.

• Write a card or letter to the person who died.

• Write memories on strips of paper and use them to create a paper chain in colors for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, or Christmas. 

• Hang a special decoration in memory of the person, such as a wreath or stocking, or set out a special menorah for them and take turns through the eight nights lighting the candles and sharing a memory.  If a stocking is used, family members can place cards or pieces of paper with memories inside.

• Buy a gift the person would have liked and donate it to a charity, or a meal to a food program or senior center. 

• Giftwrap a box and make an opening in the top for family and friends to share written memories. At a special time the box can be unwrapped and the memories shared.

• Set a special memorial place at the table during a holiday meal.

• Create a memorabilia table or corner where you can place photos, stuffed animals, toys, cards, foods, and any other kinds of mementos.

• Share one of the person’s favorite foods or meals. Food can be a great spark for sharing memories, as well as a sense of security. 

I hope your holiday season is special as we navigate back into family and friends to celebrate. If you find yourself struggling, Central Counseling Services has therapists available to help, including clinicians for anyone who does not have insurance through our new nonprofit branch. We can be reached at (951) 778-0230

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As a therapist and a social worker I work from your strengths to enhance the skills you already have and to address the issues holding you back or disrupting your life. My goal is to assist you in reaching a more satisfying state in your life, to reduce your stress, and to make home a better place to be. My specialties include working through grief and loss (including children's grief and anticipatory grief), chronic illness issues, depression and mood disorders, trauma recovery, adoption and infertility issues, and geriatric and aging issues. I have extensive experience in sexual assault recovery. I am available for crisis intervention in the workplace. I am a speaker/trainer and have provided training to parenting groups, educational support groups, community groups and employer groups. Some of my topics include Alzheimer, dementia, caregiving 101, child abuse reporting laws, parenting the adoptive child and trauma recovery. I currently, facilitate a dementia support group (see events page) and I worked with a group to develop the City of Riverside into a "Purple City" to help people with memory care issues. I am a member of the National Association of Social Workers (NASW) and I am Certified as a Grief Recovery Method® Specialist.

The loss of a pet

The bond shared by humans and their animals is indescribable. The grief resulting from their loss profound. What is it about these wet nosed and furry pawed creatures that touch us so deeply? Is it their ability to without words communicate genuineness and gratitude? Is it their ability to lower our inhibitions or perhaps their silliness that lifts our spirit?

Minnie the Therapy Yorkie

I have the privilege to work along Minnie the therapy Yorkie. Her presence in client sessions is invaluable particularly when working with traumatized clients. As my pet, she brings me joy and laughter. She’s always there waiting at attention to see if I will toss the ball or play chase. She’s such a goofball, but don’t let her diminutive size fool you, she’s a terrier, a hunter and my guardian angel. Minnie is also my rainbow fur baby. Many years before her, I had Lolita a beautiful apple head tea cup chihuahua.

Lolita was my soul mate.  When she died, a piece of me died too. Till this day when I talk about her my eyes well up. What made her so special was how empathic she was. When I was sad she was sad, when I was happy so was she. After her death I was unable to connect with any other dog and didn’t think I would have another as a pet, her loss and my grief were too deep. What made the difference as I grieved her was the support of understanding friends.

Many pet parents suffer the loss of a beloved pet alone and in silence due to the embarrassment of acknowledging the impact pets have in our lives. Many pets have long lifespans of over 20 years or more!  The grief resulting from the loss of a pet is not to be taken lightly and it should be no cause for embarrassment.

Many pet parents schedule their day around their pets’ routines, we socialize, exercise and depend on them for assistance with medical issues and emotional issues. Other animals we form bonds with include service animals, dogs who are part of law enforcement, search and rescue teams and military dogs trained for special missions. There are even dogs who are companions for other wild animals to aid in the wild animal’s conservation. Their value and impact in our lives should not be underestimated.

Acknowledging the significance of the loss of your pet and its impact in your life moves you toward working through the grief. Finding supportive persons are not only sounding boards, they are often like-minded individuals who have mourned a pet and can direct you to resources to help fill the voids left by the loss. The following list compiled by Best Friends Animal Society has resources that may be helpful when dealing with pet loss. They include hotlines, support groups, websites, web pages, web articles and books.

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by Susana Anaya-Baca, LCSW

If you are having issues with grief, anxiety, panic and depression, Minnie and I, are here to help. We at Central Counseling Services Murrieta, look forward to journey with you on your path to mental wellness. For appointments, I may be contacted at 951-778-0230. We are located at 29970 Technology Drive #116 Murrieta, CA 92563.

Susana Anaya-Baca, LCSW joined Central Counseling Services as a therapist in 2018. She is a graduate of California State University Long Beach School of Social Work where she earned her Master in Social Work with a concentration in older adults and families (OAF). She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW#69056) and is licensed to practice psychotherapy in California since 2015. She is fluent in Spanish.

Ms. Anaya-Baca has experience working with a wide range of individuals and settings. Prior to entering private practice, she practiced as a clinical medical social worker with individuals and families facing life-limiting illness in the area of home health, palliative care and hospice. Susana is a member of the National Association of Social Workers.

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MEDICAL EMERGENCY
If you have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately

All information, content, and material are for informational purposes only and are not intended to serve as a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of a qualified physician or healthcare provider. The information provided is not intended to recommend the self-management of health problems or wellness. It is not intended to endorse or recommend any particular type of medical treatment. Should any reader have any health care related questions, promptly call or consult your physician or healthcare provider. The information presented should not be used by any reader to disregard medical and/or health related advice or provide a basis to delay consultation with a physician or a qualified healthcare provider. You should not use any information presented to initiate use of dietary supplements, vitamins, herbal and nutritional products or homeopathic medicine, and other described products prior to consulting first with a physician or healthcare provider. Susana Anaya-Baca, LCSW disclaims any liability based on information provided.

6 Things NOT to Say After a Death.

What not to do when someone is grieving?

We have had a lot of deaths that impact this community recently- both public figures and personal losses that impact the community in a widening ripple. We have had tragic accidents, suicides, and overdoses, in addition to the well-known celebrities with stars on Hollywood Boulevard. Many of those deaths seem to invite comment in public forums, especially social media. The comments made in those forums have an impact- social media, texts, and email has more power than any of us really want to admit.

So, what should we not do after a death?

How do we make sure our reaction does not make someone’s grief harder or make them feel that they can’t talk about their loss? How do we make sure our teens can talk about suicide issues without feeling judged? Here are some strong suggestions from a therapist who specializes in recovering from loss:

    Watch your use of common phrases

1. Don’t tell someone that their loved one is in a better place; don’t assume the griever has a faith tradition, or that they are particularly fond of God or anyone else following the loss of their loved one; don’t ask why they are still grieving – grief is its own process for each person. When they are grieving nobody wants to hear they should be happy or relieved- even if they are in some way.
2.   Don’t use the death to make political statements or to judge the person who died. Overdoses are a tragedy, not a way to lecture others about drug use and what it does. The death makes it clear what can happen. The survivors need support, not to feel that they can’t talk about them without harsh words being the response.
3.  Don’t say anything negative about the person who died. That belongs to the immediate survivors, should they choose to share those thoughts.
4. Please do not discuss the manner of death in a judgmental way. Suicide is a tragedy, not a selfish act inflicted upon the survivors. It follows after much struggle, and you cannot understand the thought process of the person who made that decision. Don’t judge them for it. Don’t make the survivors feel guilty. They have enough to cope with.
5. Don’t feel a need to fill in the silences. The very best thing you can do for a person who has had a loss is to hold space for them. Just be there. Words are unnecessary, and often get in the way.
6.  Don’t stop saying the loved one’s name- survivors need to know they counted, and still do. The loss does not end with the funeral.

Just today there was a new public celebrity death. (Chester Bennington of Lincoln Park Fame) The comments are already starting. Think before you join them. This is an opportunity to provide support in your own circle, and to make a positive impact at a difficult time.

If you need more assistance Jill Johnson-Young, LCSW is a grief recovery specialist.

©2017 All rights reserved

Thanksgiving When You Don’t Feel Thankful

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That’s quite a title, isn’t it? If you are reading this you may be simply curious about a therapist writing a blog about not feeling thankful… or maybe this is a year you are not ready to see the holidays arrive. If that’s you, this one’s for you.

The holidays are a great way to reconnect with family, to have a "Friendsgiving" with those who aren’t family but probably should have been, to share old traditions, welcome new folks, watch a game (and argue about the game), argue more about politics (Okay, probably not this year), and to be with

"your people",

whoever they may be. It’s a time that is supposed to smell like baking and food and cinnamon. The leaves are supposed to turn (except here in California we have to travel to see that sight), and sweaters should appear as we sit by a fire.

 

Except for some people, it’s none of that. Those are my people. As a grief counselor, I spend this time of year with clients missing loved ones, some with losses only weeks ago. New clients find me online after searching for bereavement and loss therapists. They bring in children trying to make sense of what death means. Teens come in trying to figure out how to go to church next month when they are no longer sure God exists or, if he or she does, then why they should pray to someone who took their mom or dad or best friend. Others come in who created a family with their furry family members, and a special one who meant everything to them has now crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

For my people, the grievers, the survivors, the ones still in shock about what just happened, the holidays are not all fireplaces and fuzzy socks and pumpkin pies. They are a collective sense of:

•       Panic- crowds are too much for them
•      Sadness- they miss someone so much that “celebrating” is unfathomable
•      Anger- their loved one died, and everyone else at the table has their person with them. Or someone at that table has told them to get past it, to be happy their loved one is not longer in pain, or that they should celebrate that they are healed now. Or, even harder, someone at the table did not show up before their loved one died.
• Exhaustion- they just have no energy for events or memories or cooking. Or even smiling.
•   Fear- what happens if they need to cry? Or leave?
• Stress- death can be expensive. They may not be able to afford the stuff that makes the holidays.

Grieving people are frequently encouraged to attend the events and to be strong or to smile and celebrate the memories. It’s easy to say and expect that. It’s not realistic for many. So here are my rules for the holidays when you wish they would just go away this year.

1.     You do not have to host

2.     You do not have to attend

3.     You may take your own car if you do attend that way you can leave if you feel overwhelmed.

4.     You owe no apologies for not attending or for leaving

5.     You need to rest more

6.     You need to take your vitamins, drink fluids (not too much alcohol please), and take care of yourself

7.     Shopping can wait, or be done online. You’re probably not sleeping, so shop at 2am.

8.     Church/temple/meetings/mass is not required

9.     Socializing at #8 venues is not required of you do attend

10.  Take time out to remember your loved one, and talk about them. They are still part of your holidays- and they always will be.

11.  You have permission to not follow traditions, or to change them.

You can’t avoid the holidays- the grocery store, post office, bank, TV, and coffee shop have seen to that. But you get to choose how much and if you participate.

I am here to help if you need some extra support . Call me at Central Counseling Services, (951) 778-0230, or find us at centralcounselingservices.com

Grief Doesn’t Come in Stages

I was recently asked by a researcher about how to help people who are still in deep grief a year or even ten years after a loss. I have to admit I was a bit taken aback.  As a therapist, and especially a therapist who specializes in grief and loss, I find the concept of bereavement lasting more than eighteen months at the outside a bit hard to fathom.  As we talked more, she described what she saw as “grief” or “bereavement.” That’s when I had my “ah-hah” moment. We weren’t speaking the same language. In therapist-speak, I reframed her thoughts and tried again.

First, she was asking about how to reach acceptance in the five stages of grief. The five stages of grief from Kubler-Ross are marvelous for those who are dying. She created that model for anticipatory grief, not for those left behind. It works well to help dying patients prepare for their goodbyes and death because it facilitates discussions that need to happen. Dying people can and do need to reach the point where they can accept that their illness is terminal and that they need to say what needs to be said before they are gone. I have used that model as a hospice social worker more times than I can count, and it truly does frame the needs of the dying person for the family.

 That being said, I never ever use "acceptance" in my work with grieving people. I work toward recovery, completing unfinished business, and integration of the loved one in a new life. The sense of loss never really ends, but it doesn't have to hurt so much when the regrets are resolved. The intensity diminishes. My model for grief is a "U" with all the emotions of humanity around it, and lines running every which way. I prepare my clients for moments that sneak up and burst onto the scene like a wave you were not expecting. It happens even years later.

That's missing, not grieving. And that's normal. 

Society tends to view grief as a short period of funerals and ceremonies, and then when it's all over the person with the loss is left to figure it out, and face questions like "but it's been a month- aren't you feeling better yet?" People are uncomfortable when the loved one's name comes up, and many times try to avoid it. Every grieving person loses some friends who simply can't be around someone who has had a death.  It’s simply not in their toolkit to cope with death. Eventually, all of us have to, but some will avoid it if at all possible, even at the cost of a friendship. That’s another loss of the bereaved survivor.

At the same time, society has beliefs about how grieving people "should" act. Widows and widowers are “supposed” to be sedated, sad, and alone for at least a year. They are told not to change anything for a year. I have never found out who the "they" is who made up those rules. I encourage my clients to break them. Parents who lose children are expected to have another child to replace the lost one or be grateful that they have other kids to not feel their loss as much. Even a pet's death means we are supposed to run out and adopt a new furbaby. Those beliefs truly get in the way of a person grieving the way they need to. It's their loss. They get to choose. Unfortunately, friends and family have gotten the memo from "they" and do not want rules broken. It makes it more difficult than it has to be for the primary griever.  So.....Go Break Some Rules

If you need more help with grief and loss I have created an online year-long grief program; called Your Path Through Grief. You can find more information on this program at http://www.yourpaththroughgrief.com/