How Can I Keep A Strong Bond With My Partner While In Quarantine?

I know most of us out there expected this quarantine to only last a couple of weeks. We are now 6 months in and a question on lots of people's minds is, How can I keep this bond strong with my partner while in quarantine? And how can I not lose my mind while doing so? Well here are some helpful tips on keeping that bond strong while quarantined together and also a few for those relationships that are not in quarantine together and are now being forced into a “ long-distance” feel on the relationship.

Tips for couples who are quarantined together:

1. Have a movie night that will spark a conversation after. For example, 13th or Social Dilemma, both found on popular streaming services.

2. Exercise together by taking a walk or a jog outside to beat the cabin fever.

3. Have a game night but instead of video games, ditch those for good old fashioned board games

4. Find time each day to express gratitude to your partner

5. Dress up and have data e night in the backyard or living room- picnic style.

6. Having more patience than you might normally have with your partner will come in handy, these are tension-filled times so finding that compassion for yourself and your partner when arguments inevitably arise will be helpful.

7. Be sure to still have your alone time- being quarantined together is A LOT of togetherness so be sure to make sure you are still enjoying activities that are your own.

Tips for those relationships who are not in quarantine together:

1. Make phone calls and video chats a priority.

​2. Still watch your favorite shows together- facetime each other while watching your shows so you can still interact while watching tv.

​3. Play online games such as UNO or any video games you both enjoy

​4. Workout together via online working out, DOMA studios is an example of an online platform 

​5. Do an on occasion social distancing date, such as getting take out and eating together at a safe distance. 

​6. Get your old school writing love letters on write your partner a love letter and mail it. ( they have stamps and shipping online)

​7. Virtually have meals together.

As always, please reach out if you are needing more help in your relationship, we are still offering couples therapy during this time. We know quarantine is hard. The CCS team is here for you to bring inspiration, comfort, and healing into your life. If you missed lasted week's blog, we introduced our Zen Den, we created a virtual space for you to escape to, check it out!

The B Word, How It Can Help Us

Let’s talk about the B word….that’s right Boundaries!

Boundaries are a very important part of dating and yet, they get a bad rap for being a bad thing. First of all, we want to determine why we need boundaries. Let’s take a look at an example of a coloring page. There are lines around the picture so we know where to color and we know not to color outside of the lines; this is concept we learn at a very early age. It is the same for when we decide to be part of a couple. We have all seen the new couple that dress alike seem to fold into a single person.  We need to keep in mind where we want our partners to end and us begin. We want to set limits for ourselves as individuals. Being in a couple relationship should make each person better, pushing each to become their very best. Not to lose your own personal identity.  If you’re unsure what your personal boundaries are, it’s going to be hard for others to follow them.

In healthy relationships, partners discuss their feelings with one another, show mutual respect, show gratitude and take each other’s feelings into consideration about any topic. Being in a relationship, you shouldn’t have to lose your family, friend or children just to be with that other person.

 Boundaries are set to keep us safe. A healthy boundary is being responsible for your own happiness. A healthy boundary is having friendships outside of the relationship. Sometimes, boundaries also shift and change as a relationship progresses, which is okay as long as you both agree to discuss the shift honestly and you both feel good about the changes.

Poor boundaries disconnect you from your partner, and one partner often times may feel there are being manipulated by the other person to get them to do what their partner wants. A partner that is using manipulation may say things like “If you don’t do this then I won’t do that.” Or they may stop talking to you and give you the silent treatment. Other times they may withdraw emotional affection or disengage until they get what they want. It is not healthy to have your partner guessing how you are feeling or demanding that you feel a certain way.  An unhealthy boundary is the feeling of being incomplete without your partner. An unhealthy boundary is relying on your partner for happiness. In unhealthy relationships, a couple might feel that their partners must think like them, that they should just adjust because after all “we are the same and that means we must also think alike too.”

How to set healthy boundaries you ask?

1. Be clear as to what your needs are. If your needs change then speak up. Something may be okay for a week or month but not longer. When you realize what your needs are not being met, be clear when telling your partner. A lot of issues from boundary setting comes from misunderstanding.

2. Use “I” statements. Using I statements clearly defines how you feel and what behaviors you expected to see in your partner. When appropriate, take responsibility for your part of the misunderstanding. Do not only judge or lay blame on your partner. Most of the time, both partners have some responsibility. It is also your responsibility to help correct the situation and communicate your feelings in a non-defensive way. It’s always good to remember that you do love each other, flaws and all.  

3. Listen to what your partner is trying to tell you and summarize how they feel. For example, if your partner is upset, you didn’t do the dishes and it is your job to do them, it is okay to say you are sorry and you will try better. You might say, “I hear you are upset that the dishes are not done because that makes starting dinner harder for you. I will try harder to get the dishes done before you cook dinner.”

4. Being polite is always in style and will go a long way in building a better relationship.

5. Ask for clarification, “Did you mean to sound angry when you asked me to pick-up my shoes?” This allows your partner to clarify the intent behind the words. Sometimes we say something and our partner misses our intent. Always ask and allow your partner to clarify, never assume.

6. Do not set your partner up by saying or thinking something like “Well, if her really loves me, he would just know.” Even the best partners aren’t mind readers. If you want a specific item or behavior, ask.

If you and your partner are having more than your share of arguments or you feel hurt or misunderstood, it might be time for some professional help. Call me and let’s work together to get your most important relationship back on track.

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By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT works with couples and individuals to fix their relationships and remember why they became a couple in the first place. 

Courtney works out of our Murrieta office and she has helped many couple restore their loving relationships.

To contact Courtney or any of our therapists please call 951-778-0230.

How Do Couples Gain Trust When Trust Has Been Broken? And what do therapists do with such a couple……….?

There first needs to be goodwill, and a willingness to want to gain trust on both sides of the aisle. What is goodwill? Goodwill has been defined as friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitudes towards another. Can you tell if you have goodwill towards your spouse?

It can be defined by these three questions.

1. Do you still care about the welfare of your mate or partner?

2. Do you still care, even if you’re no longer in love with someone?

3. Do you want the best for your mate, even if this relationship is over?

The answers to those questions will help you decide if you have goodwill for your partner and if you can jointly start to repair your relationship. If goodwill is present, honesty and truth will be part of your discussion.

This type of communication between partners where both parties are honest and transparent is absolutely necessary. For example, acknowledging the story that brought them to this place, telling the truth and taking responsibility for your own part in this situation.

Why do some people cheat? Or hide their secret lives? Let’s us count the many ways: grief, excitement, boredom, change of life issues, validation you are still sexy or handsome. There is also often a tiny cracks in the relationship where the partners stop listening and responding to each other in positive and caring ways. That is not to say the person that had the person who had the affair is blameless. In fact, just the opposite, they shoulder that blame alone. But their partner also played some role in creating the rift between them.

Here is a typical scenario: “David (not a real person) wanted another life beyond what he had, so the waitress at the local diner was cute, perky, and always had a smile on her face. It started with a wink, leaving a big tip after his meal, chit-chat about the weather, politics, and, the next thing he knew they were at the local motel until the wee hours of the morning. The waitress’s mother took care of her kids, (a second job), and he told his wife he needed to work late on that big project that he had told her about several days ago. Things progressed for a few weeks, and then the 16-year-old son was taking his driving test, and he turned the corner and there was the waitress and his dad in a big hug outside the motel.

Now the son is perplexed, and he has questions, does he tell his mom? Does he honk their car to say hi? Does he text his girlfriend to ask for support? “So now, not only is the man, David and the woman involved, so is David’s teenage son. This type of family situation is often called Triangulation. Triangulation occurs when a 3rd party, in this case the son, is pulled into a conflict or stressful situation. This type of behavior can easily break up a family, cause mistrust, and having a family secret like this can cause depression and anxiety.

Can this family be saved?

Is their goodwill between the man and his wife? Both parties are able to openly and honesty talk about the why of the affair, the boredom in the relationship, the lack of feeling good about one’s self and the decision that lead to the straying. Then this couple has hope. Many couples can’t handle this frank discussion without becoming overly emotional or angry and they need to enlist the services of a trained therapists. Sometimes we can’t see our part in the conflict especially if that person is not the one who cheated. Therapy can help sort out truthful communication, acknowledge the hurt, shame and guilt.

If there is not the basic relationship of goodwill, lasting change in the therapy room will not happen. The breakdown in the relationship happened even further when the wife says, “that’s it, I’ve suspected your cheating for years! Pack up, get your bags, you’re out of here, NOW!”

LGBTQI population is not immune to cheating or having a secret life.

One partner, “Gale” (not a real person) was middle aged and felt she was no longer “cute, perky, and outgoing”. She was married to her wife for 20 years. She was young, looked up to her, flirty, and willing. They had a fling for a few months and ended it. Gale wanted to tell her wife, she felt guilty and ashamed. One night she told her wife Linda about the “fling.” Linda wanted to hear nothing of it and she had “nothing to understand.” Linda’s way to cope was to “Forget about all this and move on.” Gale on the other hand wanted to go to therapy to understand what had happened to her during their 20 years of marriage. She wanted to understand how this young woman was so easy to have a fling with. Linda wanted to forget, “what was done was done.”

Statistics say in general, more men are more likely to cheat than women. Of those reported cheating behaviors, 21% of men and 13% of women (in a General Social Survey, 2016) reported cheating on their spouse, wife, husband, or engaged friend.

Debbie had a secret life which started in teen years. No one knew, and she kept it well hidden, until her husband went into her closet and found the box of memorabilia. He confronted her, and the cat was out of the bag. Now he feels he can’t trust her.

How to regain trust and create good will between the partners?

First, feelings are natural. Stress reactions like shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression, and confusion are all normal. You might feel as if you’re on an emotional roller coaster.

Good self-care is a must, and Revenge is not the answer. There must be a prior history of goodwill and the parties must be willing to move past the behaviors and start to rebuild.

Conversation about boundaries must occur and the 3rd person must be ejected from the couple. If that 3rd person makes, contact immediately that must be shared with the partner and together the couple decide how to respond.

The couple must also agree after a while to move on and to stop punishing each other years later. I know a couple once that talked about the affair like it was yesterday, but it was twenty-five years ago. Trust needs to be reestablished slowly and steadily.

The person that had the affair must also make a written apology that includes they understand the feelings, betrayal and trust that was lost when they choose to stray. Honesty and openness must be part of the apology.

Lastly, consider a good family therapist or Couples’ therapist to assist both partners in this fact finding, sharing, and loving adventure to wholeness. Therapists are trained and experienced in helping couples understand betrayal of trust and honesty. Therapists often uncover a past breach of trust that is still lingering in the marriage today. Therapists are also trained to look at other symptoms that can have a negative effect on the marriage.

If you have experienced an affair and need assistance to rebuild your relationship, we are here to help.

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By Judy McGehee, LMFT

My passion is working with children, teens, adults and couples, who want to build meaning in their lives. Building trust, intimacy, and companionship are most important to me as a therapist.

My relationship in counseling began about 35 years ago in working with families in church settings,in schools, and addiction treatment centers.. I became licensed in 1995, and have found this is the profession I thrive in, and wish for my clients the richness and relationships they are seeking from therapy.

I have also worked in,psychiatric hospitals, and children's centers, and believe my career has been embellished through each and every client I have had the privilege of working with.

I also enjoy being a Clinical Supervisor, and have had the honor of mentoring over 495 Interns/Associates since 1997. I received my Master's Degree from Phillips Graduate Institute, I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) and enjoy the membership of three local chapters of CAMFT.

I look forward to working with you in the future at CCS.

Marriages Like Fine Wines Take Time

Relationships are like fine wines; the taste and consistency will not happen overnight.  However, the steadiness, texture, and palatable is borne out of care, understanding, patience, and desire.  In my couples, therapy work…I find the “crystal ball” effect being quite prevalent, in fact, it’s so prevalent that when mentioned individuals appear bewildered.  Partners expect the other to know what is on their mind…often the other partner is without a clue as to the thought or the problem.  You might hear something like remember “I told you there is a problem,” or “I expected for you to fix this.”  If you noticed, the content of the problem failed to come forth, leaving the accused wondering “what problem.”  However, these are signs indicating that there is a problem. 

When that sign shows up in your relationship, not allowing it to become larger than necessary by bringing it to your partners’ attention is a must. Ways of doing that include addressing the concern by using “I” statements or “when you say _________ it makes me feel,” forgoing accusations (AKA garbage dumping) as well as the poor me syndrome…” look at what you are doing to me?”  Is often heard between couples.

 Instead the traits, of respect, caring, trust, and understanding giving the partner an opportunity to reveal or vent their frustrations with just a listening ear. To Prevent the “garbage dumping” or “backpack syndrome”, which means not piling every little frustration or problem that you ever had during the last six months. Back on your partner just because you can only further push the two of you apart.

Another gray area is a failure to remain individuals within a coupled relationship. At first, when people get together all their time is spent together, you may give up friends or even family to be with your partner. However, there will be grumbles, smugness, and anger when that time arrives (as it surely will), that the partners’ feel stifled and soon the blame game and pointing fingers start.  It is essential for couples to have social time with others, without having their spouse become jealous, mean, for angry. Maybe it’s a girls’ night out or poker with the guys or a round of golf.  Having space and time to mingle with friends and family is important.

When one partner is blaming or dominates the behavior of the other partner to the point of frustration, and pushes the comfort zone out of reach. The relationship will suffer and the close intimacy that you once had will disappear.  I iterate to my couples when this negative behavior pops up counseling room that it’s only a destructive force pushing the couple apart. The safety the couple is seeking is gone.  I ultimately bring to their attention that each party is an adult with their own decision-making abilities and privileges’.  The blaming party restating their concerns over and over again is unproductive and unhelpful.  Let us remember that you can only discover and repair your individual problems.  Then again, why take on the added stress of directing an adult, finding solutions to their problems, and worst implement your decisions into your partners’ life.  As a partner your job to support your partner and support them in their desires and dreams.  Not to become them or dictate behavior.

Becoming a couple is not taking over their life, or their decisions.  We should not want a puppet as a partner. In the end, the relationship will yield ripe fruits for creating the savory of wines (and in your case a pleasant positive relationship).

My counseling platform, based on the belief that there are healthy options in addressing relationship woes, and contends, the gravest is a breakdown in communication.  However, the breakdown it must be discovered and both parties must be willing to work on themselves with patience and non-judgement.  I like to offer couples hands on techniques that create healthy communication, respect, compassion, and empathy.  Thus, removing all backpacks from the couple and practice being honest active listening, and respect for another’s opinion.

A great website to visit where you will discover others tools for couples can be found at http://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples-blog/. (Couples Institute, Ellyn Bader, 2010) If you want to speak in person or hear more about my couples' workshops you can contact me at (951) 778-0230 or email @ therapyccs@gmail.com.