Are you Good Enough?

Ever wonder if you are good enough? Or have you ever felt like an imposter?

Ever think that if "they" (whoever "they" are) really knew about you, they would know you're not experienced or an expert, and you felt like you're a fraud and defeated? Or ever feel like you have all the motivation in the world, life is great, and then the next day everything is terrible?

Of course, you have everyone on this planet has had a feeling like this sometimes during their life, and many of us experience this feeling daily. The good news is there are ways to help us not have such ups and down with our self-esteem.

According to Adler and Stewart (2004), self-esteem refers to a person's overall sense of value or worth. It can be considered a sort of measure of how much a person "values, approves of, appreciates, prizes, or likes him or herself."

So how do we build our self of confidence and sense of worth?  

Here are a few skills to help you build that confidence and motivation.

1.     Ask yourself, "I am not good enough for what?"

Define what you are judging yourself on. It may be "I am not good enough to speak in front of the class." That may be true right this very minute, but if you practice your speech 10 to 15 times, you will be good enough to speak in front of the class. What if you thought, "I am not a good friend?" Then we must define what constitutes a good friend. A good friend has these traits; a good listener, honest, supportive of each other, kind, and trustworthy. Then you can determine if you fit these characteristics or not. The good news is that we can learn many of these skills. If you find you are not a good listener, you can practice becoming one. We can learn almost anything.

2.      Next, ask yourself, "What is my Evidence for this?"

This type of self-questioning is called "Critical Fact-Checking." What do the facts say? Be careful here because we often try to pull in our feelings instead of facts. For example, if you say I'm a terrible mother because I yelled at my kids. You may have yelled at them today. I feel badly yelling at them. I feel depressed, worthless, and angry at myself. Those are feelings. It doesn't account for all the really great things you do as a parent. You must figure out the why behind your yelling to fix that problem. Look for facts, not just feelings.

3.     Talk to yourself and give yourself Pep-talks. Research says that if you talk to yourself in the second person, your brain is more willing to hear and accept the positive. Thus, if I say, "Sherry, you can do this, just take this step or that…." My brain is more willing to listen and believe in me. We all need pep talks, and there is science that confirms it!

Self-talk improves our performance, enhances motivation, and improves mood. We can use informational self-talk to teach us new steps to activate and improve test-taking. Performance athletes have been using self-talk for years to help them improve their performance.

It is also simple to do. When you are doing a task, let's say studying for a test or taking a run, telling yourself, "John, you got this, your smart." Or "Sally, just a little more, you're close to the finish line."

Another question to ask yourself to give you motivation includes:

1. Do you really want to do this? If the answer is yes, it's ok to tell yourself, "David, it will be hard, but I got this?" Or, "Kelly, it's only two more days; keep it up."

2. Why do you really want to do this? Remember to look for the facts and how you want to feel afterward.

3. What are the steps you need to take to get there? Breaking big tasks into tiny baby steps you can accomplish is the key to doing more significant things.

Once you have these answers, you can develop a plan to complete the tasks. Your brain wants you to have the things you want and enjoy. As you practice this new self-talk skill, you will become more confident in your abilities and have fewer days of wondering if you're good enough because you are!

If you need help with feeling good enough or finding the plan to help you succeed, call us, and we can help.

Sherry Shockey-Pope, LMFT

I began my career in this field because I wanted to help people find their passion and zest for life. My goal working with clients is to help them find their voice and get out of pain as quickly as possible.

I have worked with children in foster care and helped prepare their families for placement. My specialties include anxiety reduction, depression relief, adoption issues, grief and loss, divorce and trauma recovery. I also work with adults who want to find their passion and change their lives while working through the traumas of their pasts.

I am on the faculty of the Public Child Welfare Training Academy where I train local county social workers on Intimate Partner Violence, Mental Health, Family Engagement , Self Care for Social Workers and Eliminating Secondary Trauma. 

I also am available to speak to community groups or provide training on mental health issues, parenting and trauma I further enjoy my role as supervisor of trainees and interns as they are on their journey to become fully licensed therapists.

I am a Member of California Association of Family Therapist (CAMFT state level) and the current co-president of the Inland Empire Chapter of Marriage and Family Therapists 2014-2016. As well as the  chapterfacitator for the Inland CAMFT 3000 Club.

I don't believe that a person should be in counseling for years and years. I think you come in, work on the issues and leave. Later, if you need a tune up, then you come back and we work on healing those issues.

It is my privilege working with my clients as they walk their life's journey.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships

Let's talk about borderline personality disorder (BPD) and relationships. The first thing we want to do is recognize the traits of borderline personality disorder. People with BPD tend to have an intense fear of being left alone or abandoned. Regardless of whether such abandonment is real or imagined, the individual may take extreme measures to avoid possible separation or rejection. These measures can include threatening self-harm, starting fights and arguments, and engaging in jealous behaviors. Unfortunately, these behaviors can cause an adverse reaction and cause the other partner to withdraw, which is the one thing that the person with a borderline personality disorder is trying to prevent.

BPD tends to make maintaining healthy relationships very challenging. A person with BPD tends to have a very black and white way of thinking about people, seeing them as all good or all bad. This causes frequently shifting attitudes towards others that range from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation). What this can look like  "I love you " now" I hate you" behavior.

People with BPD also struggle with identity disturbances. Their ability to be independent and autonomous is significantly impaired. They may also have constantly shifting ideas of who they are or what they want in life, including changing partners often, which can further uphold their unstable view of relationships.

Impulsive, risky, and often self-destructive behaviors are also common for those with BPD. This can include actually ending a healthy relationship. 

Suicidal thoughts and behavior are not uncommon for those who struggle with BPD. This suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal threats, or carrying out a suicide attempt.

Another common symptom of BPD is emotional volatility, with intense mood swings ranging from extreme happiness to despair the next. They have a lot of trouble regulating their emotions. While these mood swings tend to pass fairly quickly, typically lasting only a few minutes or hours, they can also persist for several days in some cases. Behaviors associated with this can include starting arguments with your partner. These behaviors are very trying for the partner, and the partner is often left with little direction on how to fix it.

Those with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty feeling empathy for others. Studies have shown that those with BPD often have reduced activity in the brain regions that support empathy, leading to difficulty maintaining interpersonal relationships. This reduced activity means that those with BPD have difficulty understanding and predicting how others may feel in certain situations. Thus making the partner feel misunderstood and feeling alone.

 BPD is one of the most stigmatized mental health conditions. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that affects adults in the United States alone. Those who develop BPD tend to begin exhibiting signs by early adulthood.

Let's talk about how one "gets" borderline personality disorder.

 Genetics might make you more vulnerable to developing BPD, but often it's due to stressful or traumatic life experiences that these vulnerabilities are triggered and become a problem. Either natural or fear of abandonment in childhood or adolescence, a disrupted family life, or poor communication in the family. Another factor contributing to BPD is sexual, physical, or emotional abuse from childhood. 

There is evidence that those diagnosed with BPD are more likely to have had a history of abuse or other distressing experiences during childhood. Studies have shown that 40% to 76% of people with BPD report being sexually abused as children, and 25% to 73% report being physically abused. Both physical and emotional neglect can also be contributing factors.

Treatment

With treatment and continual support from family and partners, people with BPD can have successful relationships. Dialectical behavioral therapy is commonly used with people who have BPD. A therapist will help you learn to respond to emotional situations with reason and proper judgment. This will reduce the dichotomous thinking (the belief that everything is black and white) that so many people with BPD have. 

Part of caring for a partner with BPD is understanding what they're experiencing. Understanding the level of emotional disorder they experience can help you respond in a way that protects both of you from other chaos.

If you have BPD or have a partner with BPD give me a call and let’s work together to create a healthier and happier relationship.

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment - it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop  new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.

Preparing for the Posts Ahead and FOMO: How to Deal with the Fear of Missing Out as We Begin Festival Season

All generations are now familiar with social media – from creating and sharing posts about their weekend adventure to sharing the next up-and-coming restaurant that just popped up. It is without a doubt that we all feel the excitement to share with our family, friends, and followers on the most exciting times of our lives, however have we ever taken the chance to reflect on that feeling that we are missing out on events, festivals, opportunities that others share on their feed? This feeling is called the Fear of Missing Out. According to VeryWellMind, The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) refers to:

“the feeling or perception that others are having more fun, living better lives, or experiencing better things than you are. FOMO is not just the sense that there might be better things that you could be doing at this moment, but it is the feeling that you are missing out on something fundamentally important that others are experiencing right now.”

Essentially, FOMO is often exacerbated by spending time on any social media platform: Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Youtube, etc. FOMO is phenomenon that affects people of all ages, as studies have also shown that there was a greater linkage to this feeling between increased smartphone & social media usage, regardless of age and gender. Research has also shown that increased feelings of FOMO detrimentally affect an individual’s sense of self-esteem and even envy.

So how can one take care of oneself as we venture on to warmer months, more vacations, more festivals, more social media posts? How can we minimize FOMO for ourselves? Here are some tips:

1. Practice Gratitude
   Oftentimes, we focus on our “lack mindset”. This means that we tend to focus on the things, experiences, people that we do not have. Rather, it is important for us to take the time to practice some gratitude – to change our mindset to one about “abundance”. With an “abundance mindset”, we take the time to name the people. Places, things, experiences, and so on that we are truly grateful for. With this, you can start a gratitude journal or simply take the time to practice some mindfulness and name these things to ourselves. With an “abundance mindset”, we take the time to focus on what we do have and the opportunities to follow.
   

2. Get Connected
   During this time, getting connected to our loved ones, including friends, family, and supporters, can be such a nice change of pace. Nowadays, we often get caught up in the speed and frenzy of social media, when we truly need to take the time to get connected either physically or through Zoom/FaceTime with those that we truly care about it. Making plans can help you with being able to conquer that feeling that you are missing out on life.
   

3. Journal It Out
   The benefits of this day and age is the accessibility to creating any kind of note at any time. With a smartphone or even with a regular notebook, take some time to jot down your thoughts both helpful and unhelpful. With social media, people are expected to share all the happy moments, however it’s important for us to process the moments that are the opposite. So whether your journal entry be about you promotion at work, you receiving a scholarship in school, or how the guy that cut you off while driving on the freeway was rude – journal it out to process.

Scott, E. 2021, April 25. How to Deal With FOMO in Your Life. VeryWellMind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-cope-with-fomo-4174664

CECILIA FABE, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Depression: recognizing the signs, how to cope, and where to find help

Depression can make it tough to enjoy life, especially when feelings of despair and hopelessness always persist. 

Some notable symptoms include depressed mood (feeling sad, irritable, empty) or a loss of pleasure or interest in activities, for most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks. Several other symptoms are also present, which may include poor concentration, feelings of excessive guilt or low self-worth, hopelessness about the future, thoughts about dying or suicide, disrupted sleep, changes in appetite or weight, and feeling especially tired or low in energy. 

In some contexts, people may express their mood changes more readily in the form of bodily symptoms (ie. pain, fatigue, weakness). Yet, these physical symptoms are not due to another medical condition. 

During a depressive episode, a person may experience significant difficulty in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, and/or other important areas of functioning. 

A depressive episode can be categorized as mild, moderate, or severe depending on the number and severity of symptoms, as well as the impact on the individual’s functioning. 

Below are some tips to begin self-help for managing symptoms of depression:

1. Engage in enjoyable activities: Spend time doing something you love each day. Spending time consistently to do things that bring us joy has a compound effect on our overall happiness and quality of life.

2. Physical activity: Walking and yoga are great ways to boost the “feel good” chemical in our brain and increase mood.

3. Journaling: Journaling helps to manage our thoughts and feelings and get them off our mind.

4. Listen to music: Music is another fantastic way to cope with depression. Make a playlist of uplifting songs to listen to when you’re feeling down.

5. Relax: Relaxation can also help you cope with negative feelings. Take a hot shower, a bath, and watch a movie or TV show. You will be surprised at what some good R&R can do for your mood.

6. Volunteer: Volunteering is a great way to avoid negative thoughts and help those who may be worse off than you. Serving others is a proven way to build self-esteem and resiliency. Look for volunteer opportunities in your area.

7. Get enough sleep: Sleep also correlates with your mood. If youre not sleeping well, then you probably feel more depressed and irritable, not to mention tired. Talk to your doctor about your options to help you get a good night's sleep.

***Seeking help and support can seem impossible, but there is hope and assistance out there.

Where to find support:

SAMHSA’s National Helpline

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental health and/or substance use disorders.

• Visit the online treatment locator:

https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/ 

OR Call: 1-800-662-4357

Other options to seek help: 

1. Call your doctor and make an appointment.

2. Call your local County Mental Health clinic.

~Brandi Scott, LMFT

I have been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 2007. I enjoy working with all ages, but have specialized in children and adolescents with severe emotional disturbances. I enjoy family time, bicycling, and going to the beach. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to help people, as this has always been my passion.

Accidents Happen to All of Us

At the age of ten I was in a fairly bad car accident. It left me with a broken nose and severe whiplash. By age twelve I was beginning to complain about neck and pack pains and by fourteen the feelings were daily. Throughout high school it was not uncommon to hear me complaining about my neck and back or constantly pulling and adjusting at my shoulders. At that time, however, it did not keep me from doing the things I loved to do, such as sewing, dance, and other physical activities. My homelife was also stressful at that time and days where pain flareups were worse, I often did little to nothing. Of course, doing little to nothing can be common in teenage years, but the constant pain on top of stress could drain the energy from me and leave me with no reserves for basic functions. 

I married and had kids young and the stress of this also made for difficulties in managing my pain. By the age of twenty-five and a couple more car accidents, I had finally had enough and sought more intensive treatment. I was given shots, pills, and physical therapy. All of which provided temporary relief (except perhaps the agonizing and daily requirements of physical therapy which took a long time to see lasting results from), and I was never one to want to be dependent on pills. I needed to reevaluate everything.

The Problem

Experiencing chronic pain can impact not only your daily functioning, but your mental health. Pain can have a significant impact on all areas of our lives from sleep to eating to even thinking straight. The populations with the highest rates of suicide deaths are those cited as nearly one in ten having had signs of chronic pain. Pain can affect the way we sleep and our quality of sleep, making our ability to eat and tolerate stress and frustration impossible, as well as decrease focus/concentration-related accidents. Sleep is arguably one of the most important basic functions we can do as humans. Our mental health is directly affected when we are negatively impacted by constant and persistent pain, creating a level of emotional hostility when we are preoccupied with managing even mild rates of discomfort. We become less friendly, experience less happiness, basic functional impairment (as discussed above), and increase our production of the stress hormone cortisol.

While there is a physiological and medical cause for a lot of chronic pain, it is important to critically evaluate your lifestyle and the way we interact with ourselves. While our mental state and emotional health may not always be a cause of pain, it is something well documented to have somatic implications on our physical health.

Why This Matters

Chronic pain and its emotional effects it can have in our lives can hinder our self-esteem, self-efficacy, and our relationships with others. This is important because we rely on the emotional (and sometimes physical) support of others. It can feel hard to tolerate being an emotional support for others when you feel constant agony within yourself. It can fuel undo resentment that is difficult to rationalize. It can cause us to be short-tempered, snarky, snappy, or completely unresponsive. Chronic pain can damage relationships as much as it can damage our self-worth and self-esteem. 

The presence of chronic pain can create and worsen our perception and interaction with others and the world by depriving us of basic needs as well as emotional wellbeing.

The types of chronic pain we all can deal with will vary from person to person and natural temperament plays an important role too. Our support system is another big factor which is why pushing people away for what we cannot control is the last thing we want to do! We may not be able to control how we feel at any given moment, but we always have control over our behaviors and the words we choose to express our pains and frustrations.

What Can We Do?

While the idea of managing chronic pain with no end in sight can be daunting as well as devastating, it is important to have a team behind you. This is your care team of professionals, such as doctors and therapists, as well as your support team such as friends and family. If pain management has minimal effects on comfort, such as those suffering with fibromyalgia or other painful conditions, having a solid care routine is crucial. Follow your medical doctor’s recommendations and advice religiously. 

You can also get emotional and mental support from mental health therapists that can teach you coping skills such as cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness therapy, somatic anchoring techniques, and exploring commitment and radical, unconditional acceptance. With support it can become easier to express your immediate needs, your limitations, and how others can best help you when you most need it. Through evaluation and inner awareness you can assess where your lifestyle can improve your quality of life as well as emotional factors playing into the worsening of symptoms.

It is important to remember we are sometimes overtaken by our intense pain, both physically and emotionally, that it is easy to overlook the good and where we can improve our own environment to support healthy functions.

Next Steps

What can we do next? Start with seeking support for emotional wellness and mental fortitude while you battle a force beyond your control. Seek someone who can help guide you through the mourning process and feelings of loss that chronic pain causes. Practice patience for yourself through this acceptance process on days you cannot do as much as you did yesterday. Use mindfulness exercises that help you through this acceptance process, but also allow yourself to experience positive moments throughout your day. While pain is experienced in the body, it is perceived only in the brain. A trained cognitive behavioral therapist can help put the experience of your pain into context and better understanding of your body. Your next steps may be daunting, but you do not have to endure it alone. Call me I understand you pain.

The Meaning of Life: Less Intimidating Than It Sounds

What’s the point?

For many of us, pandemic life has thrown more than just our daily routines into chaos. It’s shown us pain, loss, and suffering on a global scale – and for most of us, this is different from anything we’ve experienced before now. When we’re surrounded by so much uncertainty,

it’s easy to wonder what the point of it all is.

Ultimately, we can’t prevent all bad things from happening to us, and we can’t avoid pain and loss forever. But experiencing terrible things feels… well, terrible. So, if part of the human experience is accepting the reality of pain and loss, what’s an ordinary human to do about it? How can we find a sense of purpose or meaning in the midst of a pandemic, war, political unrest, chronic illness, or anything else we might face in life?

Defining “Meaning”

The difficult thing about “meaning” is that it can’t easily be quantified – we can’t see it or measure it, so how do we know when our lives have it? Maybe more importantly, what IS the meaning of life and where do we find it?

There really isn’t any “one size fits all” answer to that question for everyone. But don’t let that discourage you – from an Existential-Humanistic theoretical approach, that lack of a concrete answer means that we each have the freedom and capability to determine what makes our lives meaningful, and then take our own steps to attain it. From this philosophical standpoint, life’s meaning can look different for each of us. 

Perhaps the best question to ask isn’t, “What’s the meaning of life?” but rather,

 “What’s the meaning of MY life?”

From an Existential viewpoint, the bad things that happen to us are constant reminders of our own limits and eventual mortality.

This means that it’s up to us to be responsible for creating meaningful lives and making each day count to the fullest.

 The Humanistic viewpoint is that people are generally good, with the free will to make the best choices, and the potential for self-improvement. When combined together, these philosophies can help create an approach that motivates us to become our best selves, and tap into our personal power for growth and interconnectedness.

Identifying Values and Goals

If you want to take a deeper look at your life and start creating your own meaning, where should you begin? 

There are a couple of brainstorming approaches you can take. First, start thinking about where the most important things in your life come from. Are they extrinsic, coming from outside influences? Or are they intrinsic, coming from within yourself? 

Next, write a list of your most deeply held values – including those important things you already brainstormed about. You can get really abstract with this – remember, there is no right or wrong answer. 

Think about what brings you joy, what ideas or morals you believe are worth fighting for, and ultimately what makes your life worth living from one day to the next.

Finally, think about what you would like to accomplish in your life. Make a list of these “bucket list” goals.

What did you come up with? You might have written down things like raising children, helping others, or your career. Did you write about your passion for a particular cause? Do you have a goal to contribute to society and connect with others in a specific way? Maybe you want to support an organization for animal rights, perform community service with a marginalized population, or promote awareness for research to cure an illness that has impacted your life.

Don’t forget your own personal development, as well. When you wrote your lists, did you include friendships, partner relationships, and family bonds? What about things like hobbies, education, or physical well-being? Making healthy choices for yourself are an important part of the personal growth process that will help you form connections with the world around you and interpret it in meaningful ways. 

Further Framework

Viktor Frankl wrote Man’s Search for Meaning in 1946 after his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps. He developed a therapeutic method for individuals to find purpose and meaning in life, and part of his method was to identify three values that he felt were the core of that meaning. Frankl’s three life values are:

Creative Value: What we create or accomplish is the gift we give to the world around us.

Experiential Value: What we receive from the world through our experiences and encounters.

Attitudinal Value: The attitudes we choose to have about bad situations that we cannot control.

Frankl believed that we can create our own meaning by giving something back to the world, by experiencing love for others, and by acknowledging our pain and loss, yet choosing to persevere even when things are difficult. Are Frankl’s life values part of the lists you wrote? 

Dr. Paul Wong also built on Frankl’s ideas to create his PURE model to help individuals find their life’s purpose and meaning. You can use it as an additional guideline to take a closer look at the way you live in relation to your values and goals. PURE stands for:

Purpose: Your life goals and what you want to accomplish.

Understanding: Yourself, the situations around you, and your life as a whole.

Responsible action: Doing the right thing, in line with your personal values.

Enjoyment and Evaluation: The happiness that comes from living your authentic purpose, and regularly checking in with yourself to make sure that you are on the right path.

Dr. Wong also adheres to several specific sources of meaning, such as achievement, self-transcendence, relationships, intimacy, and fairness. These sources can serve as the building blocks that you can use to apply the ideas in the PURE model to your own life. Did you write any of Dr. Wong’s sources on your lists?

Next Steps

Now that you have an outline to use as a starting point, get creative! Reach out and see what your community has to offer, learn new skills, choose habits that will cultivate your well-being, and foster new connections with those around you. Remember that the goal isn’t to avoid all of the pain and loss that comes with the human experience, but for each of us to live an authentic life according to our values, and to find our own meaning in the process.

Additional sources:

Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. Brief Interventions and Brief Therapies for Substance Abuse. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 1999. (Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series, No. 34.) Chapter 6 --Brief Humanistic and Existential Therapies. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64939/

Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man's search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Wong, Paul. (2011). Positive Psychology 2.0: Towards a Balanced Interactive Model of the Good Life. Canadian Psychology/Psychologie canadienne. 52. 69-81. 10.1037/a0022511.

If you need more help with your life’s meaning give CCS Education and Wellness a call and I will be happy to work with you.

~Marika Lopez, Student Therapist

Teens are More Prone to Anxiety

The last couple of years have been stressful, and not knowing when or maybe I should say if this pandemic will ever go away has caused ever greater stress. A recent research study in the Journal of Clinical Medicine entitled, Anxiety in Older Adolescents at the Time of COVID-19 (September 2020) has demonstrated higher than usual symptoms leading to severe psychological, emotional, social, and relationship concerns. It should also be noted that teens are affected with higher rates of anxiety, with nearly 1 in 3 teens meeting the criteria for an Anxiety Disorder.

Fear is the emotion that trumps all emotions, and it sets the alarms off in our brain to take some action to protect ourselves. When that happens, we are in the “Fight, Flight or Freeze” response in our brains. When this occurs, the brain releases a ton of neurochemicals which includes hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline, increased blood pressure, and breathing rates (increased oxygen), all to single your body at least temporary to make you more powerful, stronger, faster, more cognitively aware so you can keep yourself alive by fighting or fleeing. Our brains want us to thrive, and thus sometimes, our brain becomes overprotective. Anxiety is a normal response to the pandemic, fear, social isolation, and the virus itself. The pandemic has enforced physical distancing, isolation, less direct communication, and unpredictability. If you haven’t noticed, we humans love some consistency. 

If we think about being a teen and the developmental stages, it’s the teen’s job, if you will; to try on new social groups, values, big emotional responses, pushing away from parents (just a bit) to determine who they are, future planning and brain growth. 

The pandemic stopped the “normal flow” of being a teen.

According to an article in Penn State Social Research, Teens and Anxiety During COVID 19. 79% of teens reported not seeing friends or family in person has been the most harmful consequence of COVID. Additionally, higher rates of anxiety, negative self-talk, blame, and physical symptoms have also been reported.

Parents weren’t immune to pandemic stress; they too had to overcome pandemic anxiety and balance increased childcare needs due to school closures and financial and other health concerns. Single parents had it particularly hard as resources dried up. 

There is some good news; teens got more sleep during the pandemic, with a 14% increase in sleep overall. We turned to social media to help stay connected, and while it can’t give you a hug, we could stay connected. Many families could try new hobbies like gardening, bike riding, or cooking together. New activities make our brains happy and decrease stress. 

Tools to Learn

Have you ever heard of Mindfulness? This tool helps decrease anxiety by helping us remain in the present and not thinking of all the “what ifs” of the future. Feeling the feeling or sensation of your body and just noticing what is happening. No judgment, just notice. It’s being gentle with you. 

Jamie D. Roberts, LMFT, in her new book Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety, Describes  “Noticing The Neutral”  Since our brains are hardwired to find the negative, we must teach our brains to identify other thoughts too. She describes a quick 10-minute exercise you just notice what you’re thinking about. Are these The are main points include. 

1. Pause what you are thinking and review the day you had.

2. Notice any interactions or moments that stand out. Set them aside in your mind.

3. What occurred in between those moments? Consider the mundane and typical daily activities that do not bring up extreme feelings (either positive or negative)

Examples:

Your phone is 50% charged

Your sibling is sitting next to you

You don’t have homework

4. Are there moments that happen daily or regularly? Make a note of it?

5. If you can’t think of something, pay close attention through tomorrow and try the exercise again tomorrow.

Bottom-line, the more time we pay attention to the “okay moments,” the more we will notice that life is not all bad.

Other activities to decrease anxiety include physical exercise, laughing, finding a great movie, or spending time with friends; laughing is a physical release so exercise that funny bone, eating healthy, learning something new, and journaling have proven to help reduce anxiety. 

If anxiety still is overpowering, call us at CCS Education and Wellness to help. (951) 742-7435

Gratitude: How To Find It And How To Use It

Few things in life are free but luckily for us, gratitude is among them. The last few years have been unrecognizable with the constant change, uncertainty, and associated stressors with living during a global pandemic (If you are alive and reading my post, here is the first thing to be grateful for…think of it as a freebie ☺). 

Whether your difficulties preceded or were brought on by or during the pandemic—from health, grief and loss, depression, anxiety, stress, and financial problems, to work-related, family, and relationship issues—you are NOT alone! The important thing to remember, no matter which difficulties resonate, is that we are here for you and can help. 

Finding gratitude in your everyday can also help.

What is gratitude? The Oxford Dictionary defines gratitude as the “quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” Gratitude “can be viewed as a wider life orientation towards noticing and being grateful for the positive in the world” (Jans-Beken et al., 2019, p. 743). Delving further, gratitude is noticing what is abundant, already present (big or small), while taking nothing for granted and appreciating the gift of and saying yes to life (Emmons & McCullough, 2003; Team, 2017). 

Why is gratitude important you ask? Over the years scientists have found a positive link between gratitude, positive emotions, health, and well-being (Jans-Beken et al., 2019). Research has shown gratitude can help make friends, improve physical and psychological health, improve sleep, boost self-esteem, reduce aggression and enhance empathy (Oppland, 2022). With this realization, interventions soon were developed to assist anyone who was interested in finding what they have to be grateful for in their lives, from gratitude journaling to meditation, there is something for everyone (Jans-Beken et al., 2019; Oppland, 2022).

Gratitude journaling consists of writing about things, people, pets, places, acts, and/or events you feel grateful for (Jans-Beken et al., 2019). Doing so at least once a week is a great way to begin your practice. You can do this in a notebook, a note on your phone, on your computer, or even share (and perhaps inspire others) on your social media. There are no rules, you can journal several times a week or daily if you like. 

Another way to begin your practice is to get a jar (or any vessel you prefer), write on paper what you are grateful for, and put it inside (Oppland, 2022). Many suggest writing three things on the paper from your day or week, but you could have one thing one day and five the next. If you do not want to put your paper in a jar, you could create a gratitude tree, a flower, a collage, or whatever you desire (Oppland, 2022). 

If writing and artsy projects are not your cups of tea, then I suggest trying meditation. Find a quiet spot where you can sit or lay down, whichever is most comfortable. You can set a timer; I suggest somewhere between 3-5 minutes. Focus on how your body feels and your breath as you breathe in and out. With gratitude meditation, you visualize what you are grateful for in your life, including your body’s current abilities (i.e. breathing, having the arm strength to propel your wheelchair, sight, etc.). Your mind will most likely wander, show yourself some grace and return to your mediation.

Whatever path you chose, have some fun while finding your gratitude, however, please keep in mind that in order to become good at anything, you must practice, and finding gratitude in your day is no different. Most everyone gets swept up in society’s bigger, better, faster, newer mindset whether it be with cell phones, cars, houses, or body enhancements…you get my drift. However, in your gratitude practice do not be surprised if you find contentment in what you already possess. Your cell phone may not be the newest version, but you are grateful to have one, that it works, and can use it to communicate with your friends and family. Your significant other may not look as new as they once did, but you appreciate your time together, the lines on their face from your shared laughter, and being alive. Today, whether you are on top of the world or in your darkest hour, I encourage you to recognize/see/find one thing in your life for which you are grateful <3 and remember we are here for you. 


-Kristen

“Great things are done by a series of small things brought together” - Vincent Van Gogh

My name is Kristen (she/her) and I am an MSW Student Intern here at CCS. I have over 15 years of experience working in adult and child welfare and dealing with the Criminal, Family Law and Juvenile Court systems. Throughout my years of experience working with families, I have encountered all ages, genders, and a variety of cultures dealing with substance abuse, domestic violence, and abuse and neglect issues. Please note, I am only English-speaking. 

You are doing a great thing by considering counseling! Nothing frightens or embarrasses me and I offer a safe, judgment-free environment. Together we can create the change you seek. To set up an appointment please call, 951-778-0230. 

References:

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377.

Jans-Beken, L., Jacobs, N., Janssens, M., Peeters, S., Reijnders, J., Lechner, L., & Lataster, J. (2019). Gratitude and health: An updated review. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 15(6), 743–782. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2019.1651888

Oppland, B. M. A. (2022, February 7). 13 Most Popular Gratitude Exercises & Activities. PositivePsychology.Com. https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-exercises/

Team, T. G. (2017, November 2). What is Gratitude? Gratefulness.Org. https://gratefulness.org/resource/what-is-gratitude/

For The Love of Fido: Pets and Your Mental Health

Happy National Walk The Dog Day! Make sure to give the pups a little extra walkies time today. The benefits of owning a dog (or any pet) are well documented. Reduction in high blood pressure, increased immunity, manageable cholesterol levels, and a lowered risk of heart disease are just a few of the physical health benefits that Fido and Fluffy bring to your life.

The mental health bennies are even more profound. Studies suggest that owning a pet can reduce stress, decrease anxiety, help manage depression, and boost your mood. The day-to-day care of a pet can contribute to an increase in physical activity, long recognized as a healthy part of managing both physical and mental health. Doing so also gives you something to wake up and get out of bed for! 

Caring for a pet takes patience, diligence, mindfulness, and persistence. You’ll need to do research to determine how to set up the proper environment, the most nutritious food, and how to support your pet’s health. Doing the work of caring for another can give a sense of purpose and meaning to your life. Hanging out with your pet is a powerful remedy for loneliness, and their unconditional love and appreciation can be warm comfort to an aching heart.

It is said that people who struggle with depression have problems letting go of the past, and those who suffer from anxiety fear the future. Pets are a study in mindfulness, or the practice of remaining in the present. Enjoying bonding time, play time, or hand taming of your pet encourages you to live in the moment, to allow yourself the joy of the day, and to connect with the little being who seeks your love and attention. The practice of mindfulness is a frequent treatment intervention for such mental health struggles as PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. Plus, playing with your pet is just plain fun! Walking your dog can encourage you to get out in nature and soak up some sunshine, which significantly reduces depressive symptoms. Waving a play wand for your cat gets you moving about, great for easing pain and reducing anxiety. Feeding and maintaining your pet’s physical appearance is satisfying and rewarding, as you can immediately see the benefits of your work in their happy demeanor and shiny coat/fins/scales/feathers.

Let’s not leave out the kids! Owning, working with, or engaging in therapy with animals has been shown to help children with emotional development and regulation. A study conducted with children living with autism showed that having a class pet helped them develop important social skills; increased their ability to relate to their classmates; decreased instances of emotional overwhelm and behavioral outbursts; and significantly reduced their stress levels. Teens who own and care for pets typically struggle less with social anxiety, isolation, and low self-esteem. Grieving children with pets seem to process their grief more readily than children without pets.

Whether they have fur, fins, scales, or wings, having a pet can help you manage your mental health. If you cannot own a pet, consider other ways to get into contact with animals: dog walking/pet sitting, volunteering at an animal shelter or rescue organization, or helping a friend or family member care for their own pet. Do some research to find the best pet for your energy level, interest, and lifestyle. You can learn more about ways of managing your mental health in session with me or any of the wonderful therapists at Central Counseling Services. Call to book an appointment today!

~Alexia

10 Ways Pet Support Mental Health. (2018, June 1). Retrieved from the Newport Academy website: https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/well-being/pets-and-mental-health/ 

“Life knocks us down sometimes, and when that happens, we can all use a hand getting back up.

It’s my honor and privilege to be a helping hand when you are in need. 

I provide gentle guidance, an empathetic ear, and a safe, non-judgmental space to work through issues that make life difficult. I specialize in treating anxiety, depression, and struggles with trauma, especially as related to substance use/abuse (yours or a loved one’s), military service, and family troubles. In therapy, we will explore safe, effective coping mechanisms to help you manage life; examine and refine your self-care; and process those issues that cause you difficulty. Remember that you are the expert of your own life, so we will work together to find solutions that fit you best."

Alexia is also EMDR Trained.

Have You Gotten Boosted For Self-Esteem?

“I will never be good enough.” “No one likes me.” “I am worthless.”

We have all heard these statements before. You may have heard someone else say them aloud about themselves, or they have appeared as thoughts swimming around in your own head. Statements like these are referred to as ‘negative self-talk’ or ‘self-disparaging remarks,’ but where exactly do they develop from? 

We certainly are not born with these thoughts about ourselves. Somewhere along the course of development, you had experiences that influenced how you think about yourself. Those experiences caused you to develop a belief system about yourself and the world you live in. 

Self-esteem is a person’s perception of how they think and feel about themself. High self-esteem leads to one feeling positive and confident about themselves; low self-esteem can cause a person to feel down and depressed. Low self-esteem can occur within disorders such as Depression or Social Anxiety. Low self-esteem can be caused by factors such as being bullied, ridiculed, ignored, abandoned, rejected, or treated unfairly. Your self-esteem can also be influenced by life experiences, trauma, neglect, abuse, and other factors. Low self-esteem often begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood.

 A study done by Orth and Robins (2014) concluded that one’s self-esteem starts to increase at adolescence and is consistent through middle adulthood, peaks around the age of 50-60 years, and begins to decline rapidly into old age.

Oftentimes, the focus is given to low self-esteem rather than high self-esteem. People are encouraged to esteem themselves higher and think positively when it comes to their sense of self. How do you know where you lie on the self-esteem spectrum?

Several studies have found that people with high self-esteem:

• appreciate themselves 

• appreciate other people

• seek opportunities for personal growth

• are confident in the decisions they make

• are able to focus with ease, on solving their problems

• Have loving and respectful relationships.

• Can kindly and confidently share their wants, needs, and opinions with others.

While people with low self-esteem:

• Are often “people pleasers”

• become easily angered or irritated

• feel their wants, needs, or opinions do not matter

• Have difficulty creating boundaries

• Are overly sensitive to the opinions of others

• Are extremely indecisive

• Have feelings of worthlessness

• avoid taking risks or trying new things

• struggle with confidence

• give more attention to their weaknesses

• Have difficulty saying “no”

• Regularly feel negative emotions like anxiety, depression, or fear.

So, how can you boost your self-esteem?

Acknowledge your strengths – What is working well for you? What skills, abilities, and talents do you already have? Acknowledge past successes and use them to guide you in your present moments towards your future.

Identify your good qualities- You are uniquely, you! Focus on what makes you a good person. Write those qualities down and post them somewhere so that you can read them daily. If you need help, ask a friend or family member to point out good qualities they notice within you.

Develop positive self-talk to increase your confidence- Our thoughts have an effect on our mood and the beliefs we have about ourselves. Create a list of positive statements about yourself, your environment, and your future. From the list, pick one to read daily. 

Read/Listen to self-help books or Podcasts – Books are a great resource for learning the skills and tools needed to help you improve the areas of your life that need that extra TLC! If you are not a fan of reading, audiobooks and podcasts are a great alternative. 

Journal your feelings- Want a safe place for you to express your thoughts and feelings without punishment or judgment? Get yourself a journal. Journaling can help you to get those negative thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Doing this activity daily can assist with the opportunity to identify negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

Set goals and plan for achievement- Set small goals and plan the steps it takes to achieve them. By setting goals and achieving them, you can acknowledge these accomplishments and increase your confidence. A good rule of thumb when setting goals is to make them Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely, aka (S.M.A.R.T goals). 

Take care of your body- Exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, avoiding drugs and alcohol, and eating healthy, balanced meals are all great for managing your mental health.

Practice deep breathing/relaxation techniques- There are many benefits to deep breathing, including the reduction of stress. Research has found a link between healthy individuals who practiced deep breathing and relaxation; they were found to have better control over their emotions and mental well-being. Ask your therapist to train you in the use of these techniques if you are not familiar with them.

Seek counseling- Talking to a mental health professional about your self-esteem issues can be helpful. A therapist can help you identify and focus on thinking patterns that contribute to poor self-esteem. A mental health professional can also assist in identifying other related conditions that may be causing you to have a poorer sense of self (e.g., depression, anxiety). You can learn to develop and use coping skills that will support your overall mental health and well-being.

If you find that your journalling or self-talk is negative, you might find speaking to a counselor for a few sessions can really turn your thoughts around.    You can set up an appointment with me Danielle Neazer, AMFT or any one of our our therapists.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

~Danielle                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., Neri, B., & Gemignani, A. (2018). How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing. Frontiers in human neuroscience, 12, 353. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353

I enjoy experiencing the journey and aiding my clients to take control of their mental health. I love seeing other people especially my clients become healthier and happier. I find pride in helping others become the best version of themselves. I love learning and teaching. I believe if you teach a person, as opposed to just telling them, how to achieve a life of health and wellness, they can experience change.

I have experience working with children, adolescence, and the young adult population. I specialize in Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and Autism Spectrum Disorder

During my sessions, I strive to create an environment of politeness and respect for each other, confidentiality, honesty, and integrity.

As an AMFT, my personal goal is to continue professional development and achieve licensure. To be competent and use best practices in treating the mental health community. I strive to continue to develop as a therapist and never stop learning.

I am based in our Murrieta location and available for both in-person and telehealth sessions during the week. Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.