Tips on Dealing with Separation Anxiety

As I walk up the stairs my son is twisting and shouting from downstairs. He’s crying like he is in physical pain! But it’s nothing serious, he just wants me to stay downstairs with him. When I go to the restroom, he’s banging on the door demanding to be let in. Oh and most recently, he throws himself on the floor demanding for me to go outside and play with him. I don’t have time, but he refuses to go without me. He wants access to me EVERY MOMENT of the day!

Does this sound familiar?

Your kids

pets

partners

or even yourself?

This is separation anxiety. 

A normal behavior that is traditionally seen in early years for children but can become a problem if the person can’t learn to sooth themselves and regulate their emotions until they are reunited with their caregiver. For most of us, this is an early childhood experience and it ends there, but nationally anxiety rates have increased as a result of covid 19 fears and large populations working from home. 

Signs that someone is struggling with separation anxiety:

• Seeking their comforting object/person, especially when preparing to be left alone

• Crying when the caregiver is out of sight

• Nightmares or refusing to fall asleep without their caregiver present

• Finding reasons that they cannot be left alone (stomachache, hungry, restroom change, etc.) 

• Showing signs that they worry about being alone or being in danger

• Clinging to their caregiver when they return

How do you deal with separation anxiety?

• Do not, I repeat, Do NOT sneak away when your child is not looking. This may seem like the easier way to leave your household, but it reinforces to your child that if they are not alert scary things will happen. They need to mentally prepare for being alone, not feel panicked when they realize they are alone. 

• Be compassionate (towards them and yourself)

• They need to feel safe in their environment, which means predictable and stable

• Manage your own feelings about your loved one crying or possible feelings of guilt. These feelings are normal, and you can normalize for your child that we are all struggling to adjust

• Gradually expose them to time away from you. Start with small trips to boost their confidence

• Find ways to show your loved one that when they aren’t with you that you still think about them 

• Create a transitional object (A security blanket, favorite stuffed animal, etc.) Something to provide comfort while you’re away

For more information see Separation anxiety disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic.

Book an appointment at CCS by calling 951-778-0230

-Vanessa

---

Vanessa has been a therapist for nearly 10 years. She provides individual, family, and couples counseling services to people of all ages in both English and Spanish. She periodically runs parenting groups and completes psychological evaluations for immigration cases. In her off time, she enjoys spending time with her family, travelling, tasting new foods, and completing various arts and crafts projects. Provides Services Tuesday-Friday from 9:00am-6pm.

The three levels of Monitoring Your Children

When it is your time to “watch the kids” it can be exhausting and overwhelming; often keeping you from placing your mind on other things. The real problem is that when it IS your turn… your mind SHOULD be placed ON THE KIDS; rather than your own agenda.

To make this easier, I have a tip that might take the edge off.

Supervision does not take laser-focused intensity: nor does it take exhausting yourself with keeping them entertained. It calls for three levels of monitoring. Each of these levels is necessary; for them AND for you. In order for you to not drive each other “crazy”. Plus the child receives the full benefit of autonomy and parental interaction!

First Level: Monitor from a distance. This allows independent activity for them and the opportunity for you to sit (one of my favorite things, next to crawling in bed). All you do is keep an eye out for trouble in the form of strangers, accidents, and conflicts with peers. This is the time for you to do something like phone calls. Something that can be accomplished without having to take your eyes off your children. This form of supervision encourages creative, independent thought and resiliency.

Second Level: Be a cheerleader. This brings you in (Yes, you have to actually get up and move closer to them.) close enough to laugh with them as they enjoy themselves, encourage them when they are learning a new skill, and intervene if they get in a jam. It also allows you to get to know the other kids that may be around. This is helpful to encourage shy children and build self-esteem.

Third Level: Interactive Parallel-Play (sitting with and doing the same thing, but separately, while monitoring for behavior and safety.) or Cooperative Play (working on the same project, game, or activity together, while monitoring for behavior and safety.). Get in there with them! Climb, pretend, twirl, swing, color, but, most importantly… interact! DO NOT nag, chide, complain, fuss or insult them! Nobody likes having their feelings hurt and nobody likes a fun-sucker! Have fun with them, at their level!

Share in their world of imagination and play. It is a rich, rewarding world that is just as important, and meaningful, as yours! This step encourages bonding and often we transmit our family and personal values to our children as we play.

Play is good for all of us.

My hope is that you take pleasure in monitoring your little ones, learning their ins and outs, and playing with them. They will thrive and grow stronger knowing that you take joy in the time you spend with them!

What Does Your Dash Say About You?

The other day I was at a funeral and the speaker was talking about the dash between the date of birth and the date of death. His premise was that a person’s date of birth and date of death was just the marking of a specific time and was really unimportant in the scheme of life. The speaker went on to say what’s really important was the dash in between the dates. For that dash, is where all the years of life reside. That dash represents years of friendship, wining that sports game, learning to drive, graduations and other great joys like getting married, the birth of your children or your children get their first job. That dash could also represent the sadness of a death of a love one, a divorce or a failed business.  But really that dash is about the how you handle each and every moment. Are you living for the moment and enjoying the lessons that your life is trying teaching you?  These moments create texture and substance to our lives. That dash brings experiences that bring meaning, passion and sustenance to our lives. The dash is not about busyness or filling our days with meaningless tasks. That dash means finding your passion, enjoying your life and striving to be the best you, you can be. That dash means filling your days with friends and family that love and support you. It’s about giving back to our communities and helping others in need, it smiling at your neighbor, it taking the extra time to help in your child’s classroom. That little dash maybe small but it really has great significance for each and every one of us and we must not forget that, not even for a moment. What will your dash say about you?  

What will your Dash say about you?