Are you Good Enough?

Ever wonder if you are good enough? Or have you ever felt like an imposter?

Ever think that if "they" (whoever "they" are) really knew about you, they would know you're not experienced or an expert, and you felt like you're a fraud and defeated? Or ever feel like you have all the motivation in the world, life is great, and then the next day everything is terrible?

Of course, you have everyone on this planet has had a feeling like this sometimes during their life, and many of us experience this feeling daily. The good news is there are ways to help us not have such ups and down with our self-esteem.

According to Adler and Stewart (2004), self-esteem refers to a person's overall sense of value or worth. It can be considered a sort of measure of how much a person "values, approves of, appreciates, prizes, or likes him or herself."

So how do we build our self of confidence and sense of worth?  

Here are a few skills to help you build that confidence and motivation.

1.     Ask yourself, "I am not good enough for what?"

Define what you are judging yourself on. It may be "I am not good enough to speak in front of the class." That may be true right this very minute, but if you practice your speech 10 to 15 times, you will be good enough to speak in front of the class. What if you thought, "I am not a good friend?" Then we must define what constitutes a good friend. A good friend has these traits; a good listener, honest, supportive of each other, kind, and trustworthy. Then you can determine if you fit these characteristics or not. The good news is that we can learn many of these skills. If you find you are not a good listener, you can practice becoming one. We can learn almost anything.

2.      Next, ask yourself, "What is my Evidence for this?"

This type of self-questioning is called "Critical Fact-Checking." What do the facts say? Be careful here because we often try to pull in our feelings instead of facts. For example, if you say I'm a terrible mother because I yelled at my kids. You may have yelled at them today. I feel badly yelling at them. I feel depressed, worthless, and angry at myself. Those are feelings. It doesn't account for all the really great things you do as a parent. You must figure out the why behind your yelling to fix that problem. Look for facts, not just feelings.

3.     Talk to yourself and give yourself Pep-talks. Research says that if you talk to yourself in the second person, your brain is more willing to hear and accept the positive. Thus, if I say, "Sherry, you can do this, just take this step or that…." My brain is more willing to listen and believe in me. We all need pep talks, and there is science that confirms it!

Self-talk improves our performance, enhances motivation, and improves mood. We can use informational self-talk to teach us new steps to activate and improve test-taking. Performance athletes have been using self-talk for years to help them improve their performance.

It is also simple to do. When you are doing a task, let's say studying for a test or taking a run, telling yourself, "John, you got this, your smart." Or "Sally, just a little more, you're close to the finish line."

Another question to ask yourself to give you motivation includes:

1. Do you really want to do this? If the answer is yes, it's ok to tell yourself, "David, it will be hard, but I got this?" Or, "Kelly, it's only two more days; keep it up."

2. Why do you really want to do this? Remember to look for the facts and how you want to feel afterward.

3. What are the steps you need to take to get there? Breaking big tasks into tiny baby steps you can accomplish is the key to doing more significant things.

Once you have these answers, you can develop a plan to complete the tasks. Your brain wants you to have the things you want and enjoy. As you practice this new self-talk skill, you will become more confident in your abilities and have fewer days of wondering if you're good enough because you are!

If you need help with feeling good enough or finding the plan to help you succeed, call us, and we can help.

Sherry Shockey-Pope, LMFT

I began my career in this field because I wanted to help people find their passion and zest for life. My goal working with clients is to help them find their voice and get out of pain as quickly as possible.

I have worked with children in foster care and helped prepare their families for placement. My specialties include anxiety reduction, depression relief, adoption issues, grief and loss, divorce and trauma recovery. I also work with adults who want to find their passion and change their lives while working through the traumas of their pasts.

I am on the faculty of the Public Child Welfare Training Academy where I train local county social workers on Intimate Partner Violence, Mental Health, Family Engagement , Self Care for Social Workers and Eliminating Secondary Trauma. 

I also am available to speak to community groups or provide training on mental health issues, parenting and trauma I further enjoy my role as supervisor of trainees and interns as they are on their journey to become fully licensed therapists.

I am a Member of California Association of Family Therapist (CAMFT state level) and the current co-president of the Inland Empire Chapter of Marriage and Family Therapists 2014-2016. As well as the  chapterfacitator for the Inland CAMFT 3000 Club.

I don't believe that a person should be in counseling for years and years. I think you come in, work on the issues and leave. Later, if you need a tune up, then you come back and we work on healing those issues.

It is my privilege working with my clients as they walk their life's journey.

Have You Gotten Boosted For Self-Esteem?

“I will never be good enough.” “No one likes me.” “I am worthless.”

We have all heard these statements before. You may have heard someone else say them aloud about themselves, or they have appeared as thoughts swimming around in your own head. Statements like these are referred to as ‘negative self-talk’ or ‘self-disparaging remarks,’ but where exactly do they develop from? 

We certainly are not born with these thoughts about ourselves. Somewhere along the course of development, you had experiences that influenced how you think about yourself. Those experiences caused you to develop a belief system about yourself and the world you live in. 

Self-esteem is a person’s perception of how they think and feel about themself. High self-esteem leads to one feeling positive and confident about themselves; low self-esteem can cause a person to feel down and depressed. Low self-esteem can occur within disorders such as Depression or Social Anxiety. Low self-esteem can be caused by factors such as being bullied, ridiculed, ignored, abandoned, rejected, or treated unfairly. Your self-esteem can also be influenced by life experiences, trauma, neglect, abuse, and other factors. Low self-esteem often begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood.

 A study done by Orth and Robins (2014) concluded that one’s self-esteem starts to increase at adolescence and is consistent through middle adulthood, peaks around the age of 50-60 years, and begins to decline rapidly into old age.

Oftentimes, the focus is given to low self-esteem rather than high self-esteem. People are encouraged to esteem themselves higher and think positively when it comes to their sense of self. How do you know where you lie on the self-esteem spectrum?

Several studies have found that people with high self-esteem:

• appreciate themselves 

• appreciate other people

• seek opportunities for personal growth

• are confident in the decisions they make

• are able to focus with ease, on solving their problems

• Have loving and respectful relationships.

• Can kindly and confidently share their wants, needs, and opinions with others.

While people with low self-esteem:

• Are often “people pleasers”

• become easily angered or irritated

• feel their wants, needs, or opinions do not matter

• Have difficulty creating boundaries

• Are overly sensitive to the opinions of others

• Are extremely indecisive

• Have feelings of worthlessness

• avoid taking risks or trying new things

• struggle with confidence

• give more attention to their weaknesses

• Have difficulty saying “no”

• Regularly feel negative emotions like anxiety, depression, or fear.

So, how can you boost your self-esteem?

Acknowledge your strengths – What is working well for you? What skills, abilities, and talents do you already have? Acknowledge past successes and use them to guide you in your present moments towards your future.

Identify your good qualities- You are uniquely, you! Focus on what makes you a good person. Write those qualities down and post them somewhere so that you can read them daily. If you need help, ask a friend or family member to point out good qualities they notice within you.

Develop positive self-talk to increase your confidence- Our thoughts have an effect on our mood and the beliefs we have about ourselves. Create a list of positive statements about yourself, your environment, and your future. From the list, pick one to read daily. 

Read/Listen to self-help books or Podcasts – Books are a great resource for learning the skills and tools needed to help you improve the areas of your life that need that extra TLC! If you are not a fan of reading, audiobooks and podcasts are a great alternative. 

Journal your feelings- Want a safe place for you to express your thoughts and feelings without punishment or judgment? Get yourself a journal. Journaling can help you to get those negative thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Doing this activity daily can assist with the opportunity to identify negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

Set goals and plan for achievement- Set small goals and plan the steps it takes to achieve them. By setting goals and achieving them, you can acknowledge these accomplishments and increase your confidence. A good rule of thumb when setting goals is to make them Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely, aka (S.M.A.R.T goals). 

Take care of your body- Exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, avoiding drugs and alcohol, and eating healthy, balanced meals are all great for managing your mental health.

Practice deep breathing/relaxation techniques- There are many benefits to deep breathing, including the reduction of stress. Research has found a link between healthy individuals who practiced deep breathing and relaxation; they were found to have better control over their emotions and mental well-being. Ask your therapist to train you in the use of these techniques if you are not familiar with them.

Seek counseling- Talking to a mental health professional about your self-esteem issues can be helpful. A therapist can help you identify and focus on thinking patterns that contribute to poor self-esteem. A mental health professional can also assist in identifying other related conditions that may be causing you to have a poorer sense of self (e.g., depression, anxiety). You can learn to develop and use coping skills that will support your overall mental health and well-being.

If you find that your journalling or self-talk is negative, you might find speaking to a counselor for a few sessions can really turn your thoughts around.    You can set up an appointment with me Danielle Neazer, AMFT or any one of our our therapists.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

~Danielle                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., Neri, B., & Gemignani, A. (2018). How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing. Frontiers in human neuroscience, 12, 353. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353

I enjoy experiencing the journey and aiding my clients to take control of their mental health. I love seeing other people especially my clients become healthier and happier. I find pride in helping others become the best version of themselves. I love learning and teaching. I believe if you teach a person, as opposed to just telling them, how to achieve a life of health and wellness, they can experience change.

I have experience working with children, adolescence, and the young adult population. I specialize in Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and Autism Spectrum Disorder

During my sessions, I strive to create an environment of politeness and respect for each other, confidentiality, honesty, and integrity.

As an AMFT, my personal goal is to continue professional development and achieve licensure. To be competent and use best practices in treating the mental health community. I strive to continue to develop as a therapist and never stop learning.

I am based in our Murrieta location and available for both in-person and telehealth sessions during the week. Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.