Perspective – what being a client taught me about being a better therapist

As a therapist, my clients often ask, “do you have a therapist?” And, I answer honestly, “yes.”

One would think that it would be confusing or even unethical to divulge such personal information to my clients that I, too, like them, have seen, and/or is currently seeing my own personal therapist. It can lead to further personal questions. Such as:

“What do you talk about?”

“Do you have the same problems as me?”

And, the biggest one: “If you go see a therapist, how can you help me with my own problems?”

Here’s the thing about seeking out help from a third party that is uninvolved with the issues that are going on in your life (or mine): they are in a position to provide unbiased perspectives (see what I did there) on what is happening and to guide you (or me) through situations where you (or I) may feel stuck. 

Therapy benefits everyone; even therapists. We often hear of self-care and how that is crucial to all parts of our health – mental, emotional, and physical. If you could think of therapy as another way of self-care, why wouldn’t a therapist who engages in providing therapy to their clients on a daily basis want to engage in the same type of care?

Therapy is beneficial and therapists who engage in their own personal therapy would only prove to gain more insight into themselves. This increased intimate awareness just adds to their self-care routines and provides them with further opportunities to become a better therapist for their clients. 

Below are a few reasons why:

• Occasionally, problems from life are not life-threatening or traumatic. Yet, we still encounter issues that cause us stress! Therapy can help us deal with these emotions from these taxing encounters.

• Other times, we see a problem, we know it’s there, and yet, we just cannot figure it out. We cannot find the answer no matter what we do. Therapy can help dissect those problems and guide us to a solution that best fits us.

• Talking with a therapist can help us find perspective (ah, there it is again!) and help us build up and strengthen coping skills that we’ve either had all along or just needed reminding of.

• Finally, therapy can really clear out the cobwebs or pull away the wool from our eyes so we can see clearer about what is truly important for us and our overall wellness.

Just from that list, one could see that anyone could take advantage from having a good therapist. When I am confronted with a client who now feels somewhat tense about their own therapist going to therapy, I explain those points and it dismisses a few of those nerves. We can all gain from being able to clear our minds and set our hearts at ease through the process of therapy and with the guidance and perspective of a good therapist. There is no shame in needing help. 

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By Léah Almilli, AMFT

I believe everyone has a right to be heard and feel comfortable in their own space. My methodology to the therapeutic practice is eclectic and I consider each client to be the guide in their own progression. I offer a holistic, client-centered approach to the process, allowing the person the opportunities to discover how their pasts can lead into their futures. 

I have a passion for working with people of all ages, including children, teens, young adults, adults, couples/families, and people navigating all stages and phases of their lives. My therapy rooms are always non-judgmental and compassionate to ensure that the clients can feel safe to explore what is needed.

I am a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT), the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT), and I am fluent in American Sign Language.

Five tips on how to deal with toxic family members during the holidays

Families members are the people who can find the buttons we have and push them as though they were on an elevator. A perfect time for family members to do that are on holidays when everyone is stressed, anxious and exhausted. Toxic family members are known for ruining perfectly good holiday moments as a sort of sport.

One of the most upsetting aspects of being around a toxic family can often be that you feel like you have no control.

Let’s set the scene; you go to grandma’s house and there is aunt Rachel in all her glory ready to start commenting on everyone’s biggest insecurities; you aren’t in your own home so that makes you more vulnerable to begin with; you look on your Facebook and you see everyone else’s families are enjoying themselves so you think to yourself “well, I guess seeing aunt Rachel can’t be THAT bad.” What comes next is right, aunt Rachel isn’t THAT bad, she’s worse and all you are left thinking is “how do I get out of here with some dignity intact?”  The truth is you will never be able to control other people but with these tips you can control how you respond to those tricky family situations.

1. Be aware of your triggers - What this means is if you know aunt Rachel is going to comment on your haircut, don’t open yourself up to that. If she starts asking about your hair, excuse yourself, or change the subject entirely. If she manages to sneak in a passive-aggressive comment, give the least amount of emotional attention to it because the reaction is what toxic people thrive on most of all.

2. Do your own self-care - What this means is to make sure you are keeping your mental health intact the best way possible by keeping stress down. Go to your yoga class, or going out with friends and surrounding yourself with people who care about you, so when aunt Rachel is at it again, you can text your best friend your favorite explicit emoji and she “gets” it.

3. Set reasonable expectations - This means understanding how your family is and accepting it. You don’t have to like it but you do need to accept it and understanding that they won’t change. Stop setting the bar so high; because these toxic people can’t meet it. If there is any real change with your family members, it is better to be pleasantly surprised, than having to be stressed with your toxic family members. Just focus on surviving the event, and consider anything else positive that happens a bonus. Think of this as looking at the big picture; aunt Rachel is just behaving as she always has.

4. Keep your boundaries - Ask yourself if you even really need to be there in the first place. Have you hit the point where you cannot handle being around your family without having severe panic attacks or a colossal guilt trip?  Then better to skip the event, stay home or better yet, go spend the holiday with your favorite people. Skipping the event altogether is way better than you being upset the entire time you are there. Having that sick feeling in your stomach or feeling beat-up emotionally is simply not worth it. Sometimes it is healthier to let yourself have your own space from those family members. Thinking about attending only when the toxic behaviors changes, never lower the boundaries and your expense.

5. Keep conversations light - Everyone has triggering conversations and one way to avoid this is to keep conversations light; movies, weather, do not talk about politics, religion, money or about other people that are not present. These topics have a lot of emotions tied to them and it is easy to get caught up and then feel badly after the conversation.

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By Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment- it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.

The Power of Human Touch

How many of you can recall when you would hurt yourself when you were young?  Perhaps falling while playing or taking a spill off your bike?  For some, although the hurt caused a tear or two to fall, the best thing about it was when our favorite loved adult would “kiss it to make it better”.  Often, we wouldn’t even need a Band-Aid or a visit to the doctor like we so desperately claimed.  What was wanted was that squeeze after the Band-Aid, that high-five after the tears, even simply sitting next to our loved one and feeling them there - that touch from that other person with whom we were close and loved held and carried a healing power. 

Children who are struggling with attachment disorders, people who have been victims of sexual assault or rape, and similarly, folks who battle with various levels of anxiety can benefit from the healing power of touch.  It is often assumed that it is babies who primarily benefit from touch and mainly from their mothers (or primary caregivers).  And, while this still holds truth, there are so many other opportunities that can provide healing.  Just a few examples are pain reduction, creating safer spaces, improve relationships between not just couples but also other dyads (siblings, parent/child, etc.).  Research has even shown that when a child is struggling in school, a small, simple touch on their shoulder from their teacher can provide just the right amount of encouragement to allow the child to begin to soar in their studies. 

Here are 4 simple reasons to consider the powerful, healing properties of the human touch:

1: Touch releases a chemical in our brains called oxytocin.  This chemical is like the cuddle switch.  When touch is wanted or desired, oxytocin is released.  Just 20 seconds of affectionate touching is enough to reduce our stress hormone and increase our cuddle hormone.  This can manifest safer spaces and increase trust, as well. 

2: When stress levels due to trauma or anxiety are at an all time high, our ability to experience what may seem to be compassion is muddled; especially when it is brought to us through only the spoken word.  It may seem silly but when words fail, touch may be the answer.  Touch can trigger our vagus nerve (the nerve that runs from the brain to the belly, passing the heart along the way), thus allowing us to be receptive to and to respond with compassion.

3: Not only can touch allow us to feel compassion, it also reduces stress.  Our stress hormone, cortisone, increases when we experience anxiety, trauma, stress from taking a test, falling off our bikes, etc.  A touch, even one that happens by accident, can reduce that stress hormone and lower blood pressure.  This means a happier heart.  Image the anxiety beginning to creep in because of a memory that has begun to invade your thoughts.  You are walking around work or school and can’t seem to calm it down.  Someone needs to walk past you and, gently, presses their hand on your arm to excuse themselves around you.  That one slight touch is just enough to not only distract you from your thoughts but also to decrease that cortisone that is about to sky high.

4: Touching between couples can increase trust, promote communication, and can improve relationship satisfaction.  Even the simple act of holding hands while watching a movie or hugging for just 20 seconds before leaving for work can begin to create that bond between couples.  This bond can be the foundation in which trust is rebuilt, safety is re-established, and communication is opened.

Everyone has a built in need to be touched, and yes, from birth.  However, it does not end once we reach a specific age.  It is a life-long desire for touch.  When it is practiced appropriately and respectfully, the human touch can be powerful healing aspect of the human experience.

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By Léah Almilli

Is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist. She works with children as young as 6 and adults as old as 88. She is fluent in American Sign Language and she teaches ASL at the local community college. Léah like to help people grow and feel better about themselves. Léah offers a holistic, client-centered approach to the process, allowing each person the opportunities to discover how their pasts can lead into their futures. Léah makes her therapy rooms warm, welcoming, non-judgmental, and compassionate to ensure that the clients can feel safe to explore what is needed.

A Therapy Session, What’s it Really Like.

I am a working therapist, and I would like to share with you what it’s like to see clients. Therapists generally work the same way; however, each therapist works slightly different, adding their own personality and style. Through the years, I’ve created my own way of working with clients that I have found to be highly successful.

After the initial phone call,  an intake session is scheduled. In this session, we speak about what the problem is, how it is affecting your life, how I might help you, and together we develop a plan.

Sometimes clients ask, “How are you different from bouncing ideas off my friends and family.” 

First of all, family and friends can be great to bounce ideas off of, but because they love you and want good things for you sometimes they do not provide you with the truth, can be overly harsh or want you to do what they want.  I’m not family, nor am I a friend and that fact gives me the ability to look at what is going on as a neutral third party. Additionally, I have many years of specific training and experience to help people with all sorts of bothersome problems quickly and effectively.

Therapists are bound by laws and state regulation to protect your information by keeping it confidential (there are a couple of exceptions by law) but mostly what you say in therapy stays in therapy.  Sometimes friends accidentally share your secrets.

Therapists do not advise as friends do, but therapists allow you to talk out your feelings, help identify the behaviors that are causing you problems, and create a strategy for making changes. Therapists are also able to determine if your concerns might be physical, sometimes depression and other mental health issues start with some physical problems that you may not be aware of. 

Therapists have spent years gaining experiences in the practice of counseling and often gain over 3000 hours before they can work independently. Then, of course, there are two state exams that therapists must pass before they can sit in the room with you. Your family and friends not so much.

Therapists also get specialized training, for example, I have personally have training in adolescent drug and alcohol recovery, inpatient and outpatient therapy; and I have also experience working at a boy’s home, and a psychiatric hospital. These experiences have given me the opportunity to use different types of therapeutic interventions, i.e., CBT, DBT, Solution Focus, Play Therapy, Trauma-Focused, among others.

You can choose a therapist through your insurance company, or perhaps by word of mouth, or by searching therapists websites.  In California,  a professional organization called California Association Of Marriage and Family Therapists, (CAMFT) has a list of therapists.

I seem to have many referrals through the years by word of mouth – the nicest of referrals.  It means former clients trusted me, felt they were helped by our work together.  We discussed family issues, working in a business with family members, addiction issues, parent-child issues, children who were adopted and struggling with “who they are, where they came from.”

Each session is a problem-solving session.  You talk about your current situation, and your therapist uses their expertise to help you in trying to resolve the problem. Also, remember all our conversations are confidential.

Some therapists like to give homework in between sessions so that you can practice in real life the new skills and the time in between sessions you can think about what you’d like to discuss in the next session.  Your therapist might make some suggestions about what you might do in between sessions to feel better, i.e., exercise three times a week for 15 minutes outside in the sun. Most clients start therapy weekly, and then as confidence grows, skills increase, emotions are in check, and the problems start to be resolved, the sessions may change to bi-monthly, then monthly. 

Therapy should not be for forever but used when certain problems arise that make it hard for you to function in your daily life.

Some clients find that they come to therapy for six months to a year and then go about living their lives.  When new problems pop up, or they feel overwhelmed, they come back for a check-in, learn new skills and end therapy quickly. It all depends on the problems and how disabling it is to you.    

B.G. Collins summed up my feeling of being a therapist best he said;

“Most grateful for the job I choose.”

As you can see, there are a few major differences between advice from family and friends or a therapist. If you are struggling with any life problem give me a call and let’s chat about the work, we can do together.

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By Judy McGehee, LMFT

My passion is working with children, teens, adults and couples, who want to build meaning in their lives. Building trust, intimacy, and companionship are most important to me as a therapist.

My relationship in counseling began about 35 years ago in working with families in church settings,in schools, and addiction treatment centers.. I became licensed in 1995, and have found this is the profession I thrive in, and wish for my clients the richness and relationships they are seeking from therapy.

I have also worked in,psychiatric hospitals, and children's centers, and believe my career has been embellished through each and every client I have had the privilege of working with.

I also enjoy being a Clinical Supervisor, and have had the honor of mentoring over 495 Interns/Associates since 1997. I received my Master's Degree from Phillips Graduate Institute, I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) and enjoy the membership of three local chapters of CAMFT.

I look forward to working with you in the future at CCS.

2019 Do You Need a Change?

I noticed a lot of clients talked about changes they would like to make for 2019, but they did not have a starting point on how to make them happen. This led me to make a list of top 10 don’ts to begin 2019 on the right foot. This will allow you to unleash your potential, be open to allow positive changes to unfold and overall improve your life.  This is what we all want…right? Do remember that we are all works in progress, do not be disappointed in you if you can’t stay on track. Just keep trying and eventually you can do it. I see my clients making very small changes that lead to a large positive impact. Small changes are easier to do and stick with over time. Also make sure you do only one or two at a time as doing to many at one time can set you up to fail, however, by incorporating some of these changes in your daily routines you will see the change you desire. I hope you have the best year ever.

1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams. Dream big!

2. Don't be a people pleaser.

3. Don't spend time with the wrong people.

4. Don't gossip about others.

5. Don't live a life that others expect of you, live a life true to you.

6. Don't start pointless drama because of your personal insecurities.

7. Don't do anything that doesn't feel right.

8. Don't be afraid to spend time alone.

9. Don't compare yourself to others. You are only in competition with you

10. Don't hold onto things you can’t control.

If these seem a bit too hard, I can help you develop a plan and help you stick to it. That is what therapy is for to help you with the hard stuff. Remember I believe in you. If you would like to work with me or one of my fantastic colleagues give me call. 2019 is too important to feel stuck.  

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by Regina Kennedy, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who want to change their lives. I am a compassionate, direct and interactive therapist. I value optimism, truth, and authenticity.

My therapeutic approach is warm, but always direct and honest to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address their treatment goals. I offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client's unique needs. My specialties include working with Adults, children and adolescents, families, crisis intervention, and substance abuse. I am Certified as a Substance Abuse Counselor.

Self-Care

As a licensed therapist I noticed a lot of my clients were perplexed when I asked them about their self-care practices.  That led me to write this blog. Neglecting yourself doesn't make you better at caring for others, self-care does. It gives you the resilience and positivity necessary to pour into others without acrimony and antipathy.  Usually self-care brings up thoughts of extravagant vacations or spa days. I'm here to tell you that self-care is much easier than that.

Self-care is:

1. Getting a good night’s sleep restores cognitive functions.

2. Stop trying to please everyone.

3. Setting boundaries and knowing that you are setting boundaries to protect yourself and not to benefit others.

4. Exercising at least 3 days a week improves happiness.

5. Eat well. Carbohydrates aid in the release of endorphins.

6. Laugh more, it strengthens the immune system and boosts energy.

7. Learn to sit with yourself, reading, watching Netflix, or listen to music.

8. Disengage from toxic people and relationships.

9. Cut out words or pictures from a magazine, write about the meaning to you in a journal.  Example a picture of a 2019 Lexus, this is my future car. Dream!

10. Take time at the end of your day and write down what you’re grateful for.

I bet if you think about it you may have self-care skills that you do include in your life; sometimes. I am encouraging you to include self-care daily. Write down a few that your really enjoy. Maybe it’s that hot bath with lots of bubbles or that morning run. It doesn’t matter what you choose, it only matters that you do.

If you are having difficulty with your self-care or need help with other problems that are getting in the way of your self-care, call me or one of the therapists on my team and let’s begin the most important work for you.

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by Regina Kennedy, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who want to change their lives. I am a compassionate, direct and interactive therapist. I value optimism, truth, and authenticity.

My therapeutic approach is warm, but always direct and honest to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address their treatment goals. I offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client's unique needs. My specialties include working with Adults, children and adolescents, families, crisis intervention, and substance abuse. I am Certified as a Substance Abuse Counselor.

You too Can Create a Healthier Brain

When I was growing up the general thought was that you had a finite number of brain cells and once, they died, that was it, there was no hope for your brain to regenerate. But in the last decade, research has found those old ideas are simply incorrect. There is real hope that there are many things that we can do to create a healthier brain, even if we have made poor choices earlier in life. So, how does that work? Through something called Neuroplasticity. Neuro-plas-ti-city

Neuroplasticity is the lifelong ability of the brain to create new neural pathways based on new experiences. Contrary to previous assumptions, in recent years, neuroscientists have discovered that the human brain continues to have the ability to create new neural pathways into adulthood. Below are some highlights about how neuroplasticity works in the brain.

• When does neuroplasticity occur in the brain?

• At the beginning of life: when the immature brain organizes itself.

• In case of brain injury: to compensate for lost functions or maximize remaining functions.

• Throughout adulthood: whenever something new is learned and memorized

• Neuroplasticity has a clear age-dependent determinant.

• Although plasticity occurs over an individual’s lifetime, different types of plasticity dominate during certain periods of one’s life and are less prevalent during other periods.

• Neuroplasticity occurs in the brain under two primary conditions:

• During normal brain development when the immature brain first begins to process sensory information through adulthood (developmental plasticity and plasticity of learning and memory).

• As an adaptive mechanism to compensate for lost function and/or to maximize remaining functions in the event of a brain injury.

• The environment plays a key role in influencing plasticity.

• In addition to genetic factors, the brain is shaped by the characteristics of a person's environment and by the actions of that same person.

Another factor that impacts brain regeneration is neurogenesis. Neurogenesis is the birth of new neuronal cells. Recent research demonstrates that neurogenesis continues into and throughout adult life. Ongoing neurogenesis is thought to be an important mechanism in neuronal plasticity. New techniques will be able to direct neurogenesis in other areas of the brain. This would enable the brain to repair damage and enhance mental functioning.

New neurons in the human brain have been found in the ventricles of the forebrain as well as the hippocampus. The cells that become neurons travel to the olfactory bulbs. Researchers have speculated that neurogenesis occurs in the hippocampus since this area is so important in memory and learning. Other researchers have attempted to discover if neurogenesis occurs in other areas of the brain and spinal cord but have not yet found conclusive evidence to support this hypothesis.

There are several factors that impact neurogenesis, including physical activity, environmental conditions and even hormones/neurotransmitters. Here is a brief explanation of these factors and how they affect neurogenesis.

• Physical activity

  • Has been shown to affect proliferation and survival of neurons.

• Environmental conditions

  • Increase neurogenesis and neuronal survival has been shown in crayfish raised in an enriched environment when compared to siblings raised in an impoverished environment.

  • Hormones

  • Estradial and testosterone have been shown to influence the rate of neurogenesis.

  • Serotonin was found to affect the survival of neurons. Serotonin helps to synaptic connections in the cortex and hippocampus.

  • Lack of serotonin in the hippocampus has been associated with such disorders such as depression, schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s disease.

So, why would regular exercise, being in an enriched environment (physically nourishing and mentally stimulating) and the presence (or absence) of certain neurotransmitters impact the brains’ ability to generate new cells?

In his book “The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science”, Norman Doidge discusses the case of a surgeon in his 50’s who suffered a stroke. The surgeon’s left arm was left paralyzed. During his rehabilitation, his good arm and hand were immobilized, and the doctor is set to cleaning tables. The task is at first impossible. Then slowly the bad arm remembers how to move. He learns to write again; and then to play tennis. The functions of the brain areas killed in the stroke ultimately transfer themselves to healthy regions!

His brain eventually compensates for the damaged areas by reorganizing and forming new connections between intact neurons. In order to reconnect, the neurons need to be stimulated through activity. The use of activity is one of the most important directions that therapeutic intervention for brain injury has ventured in the past decade. As horrible as the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have been, one of the positive outcomes is the discovery of using activity as a therapeutic tool to recover from traumatic brain injury.

If you would like to learn more about neuroplasticity, here is a link to a fascinating video on neuroplasticity and how different conditions can affect neural pathways. What do you think about the prospects of neuroplasticity and what this means in terms of what we once thought about the death of brain cells?

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By Lisa Tobler, LMFT

Lisa Tobler, LMFT passion is in helping people recover from traumatic events.  She has advanced training in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) to treat trauma and EFT (Emotion Focused Therapy) to assist couples to heal their relationship.

10 Steps to Better Sleep

We all know that a good night’s sleep can make you feel like a million buck. Sleep provides us with energy, cell regeneration, keeps our body and mind strong and can even help us lose weight. We all at times have nights when we just do not get enough sleep. However, when not sleeping or poorly sleeping becomes the norm, it's time to take some action. Here are ten steps you can do today to help increase your sleep.

1. Music can help you sleep by encouraging relaxation. Look for music that has 60-80 beats per minute. Start with songs that are 80 beats per minute and end with songs 60 beats per minutes. Look for songs with steady rhythms that make you feel good. 
   

2. Keep your bedroom cool to 68 degrees or cooler. Sleeping in a cooler room is linked to deeper sleep and decreased insomnia. 
   

3. Bedrooms should be dark to allow for deeper sleep. Your brain releases more sleeping hormones when the room is dark.
   

4. Avoid naps if you have sleeping problems. Taking a nap can be refreshing but if you have disrupted sleep napping can have a negative effect.
   

5. Avoid blue light. Blue like tricks the body into thinking its daylight. Blue light is emitted by tech devices like smartphones, computers and TVs. Turning off these devices about an hour to 2 hours before bed will allow your body to create more melatonin the relax/sleep hormone.
   

6. Ditch the coffee. Coffee has caffeine and while caffeine can help with energy boosts, focus and sports performance drinking it late in the day can prevent you from relaxing. Caffeine elevates the blood for 6-8 hours.
   

7. Don’t drink alcohol especially right before bed. Alcohol is known to reduce melatonin production, increase sleep apnea, snoring and unsettling sleep patterns. 
   

8. Get Wet. Taking a warm bath or shower can help you relax and enhance sleep.
   

9. Get regular exercise. Exercise helps keep our body on schedule which helps with or sleep wake time.
   

10. Like the ocean? On YouTube you will find hours of relaxing waves sounds some even include seagulls. Here is one I enjoy when I can’t sleep. Sleepy Ocean Sounds (8hrs)

If you still are having sleep problems, please see your physician to rule out any physical concerns. A therapist can also help you by eliminating worrisome thoughts, teaching you deep relaxation and meditation techniques. Call today for a better night’s sleep.

“Positive Approach to Brain Change” with Teepa Snow

As an occupational therapist with 40 years of clinical practice, Teepa Snow is one of the leading educators on dementia and the care that comes with it.

My colleague and I had the privilege of attending a whole day seminar with her recently in Claremont, and were very impressed with all the information provided.  Not only is Mrs. Snow very knowledgeable about the decline in brain functioning of people with dementia, I was personally intrigued by her practical tips about how to take care of people with dementia in a respectful way.  Something as simple as ‘Greet before you treat’, can go such a long way.  The same with ‘asking your client/patient for permission’ before starting to touch them, adjusting their clothing, etc.

Teepa Snow is very direct in her approach in teaching others, so at times I was a little startled with her directness, but she made sure we understood her message, no doubt about that.

We were reminded that all humans have 5 basic needs:

• Nourishment and drink/liquids

• Wake/sleep cycle

• Elimination (in every sense: sweat, saliva, snot, pee and poop)

• Seeking comfort

• Being pain free

So when people with dementia ‘act out’, they probably are in need of one of the basic needs but have trouble communicating what it is exactly they need since ‘their brain is dying’.  One of Mrs. Snow’s many tips was to repeat what the patient/client says since they are unable to talk and listen to themselves.  When a caregiver repeats, they are able to agree or correct their message.

It is important to understand that dementia is not only a memory problem, there are many changes in structural and chemical function because the brain is failing.  Another example/tip from Mrs. Snow was not to stand in front of the patient/client but rather to their side.  Mrs. Snow explained the reason: the patient/client’s vision has changed to tunnel vision (pretend to look into binoculars with your hands in front of your eyes), and when standing in front of the patient/client, they can feel blocked in (no way to escape), which might result in some physical altercation.

We were fortunate to learn first handed from an expert.  Hopefully you can find some tips in this article.

You can find more info and some educational (link to) video’s at: http://teepasnow.com/

For extra support as caregiver, you can always attend our Dementia Support Group, each Third Saturday of the month at Pacifica Senior Living, 6280 Clay St. in Riverside, CA. If you would like to talk more, or in need of individual counseling, please don’t hesitate to contact our office Central Counseling Services (951) 778-0230. We have counselors available 7 days a week in two locations (Riverside and Murrieta). 

By Ilse Aerts, LPC

Any struggles you might have today, you don’t have to conquer them alone.  My personal, professional and volunteer experience will help shine a different light on your struggles of grief and loss, parenting struggles, life’s challenges.  Coming from a different culture myself, I understand the adjusting challenges you might come across (different rules and expectations, different language,...).  By offering guidance and support, together we can rediscover your own inner strength to work through those challenges.

I look forward to meet people of all cultural background, beliefs and ages on Tuesday and Thursdays.

I earned my Master degree in Clinical Psychology from Vrije Universiteit Brussel.  I am a member of California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, let’s make it…… (great/worthwhile/count/awesome/wonderful) ....... it’s up to you.

"The Martial Therapist"

I got home that night full of bruises, tired as hell, and I noticed a growing pain in my wrist…

Have you ever just woken up in the morning and decided, “No, not today”. Well if you’re like me, then that happens more often than you’d like. I think at some point that happens to all of us. We just wake up and for whatever reason (you could be tired, stressed, lonely, overwhelmed, hungry, etc.) you decide that today is just not going to be your day and there’s nothing anyone or anything can do to turn it around. The funny thing about those days is that they tend to come out of nowhere (Ugh, so frustrating!) and the feelings that come along with those days tend to grow out of control quickly. I want to tell you about one of my bad days so that I can (hopefully) show you how I was able to turn it around.

I’m a therapist that practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT for short. So I’m basically equipped to handle any situation…good, I’m glad you caught the sarcasm there! But in all seriousness, I make my living showing people that they have the ability to help themselves feel better by teaching them simple tools and strategies. So it’s obvious that I should be perfect at doing those things, too…right? Well I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. I’m not as good as I would like to be. The cool thing about being a therapist is that I am trained how to use all of these wonderful self-help tools, so when I end up not using those tools myself, I get to add an extra serving of guilt to my day. Remember, no matter how hard your therapist works for you, they are working just as hard making sure they have their personal life in order as well. In essence, they have to put on their oxygen mask on before assisting you with yours!

Well that morning, I did not feel like getting up and going to work. I thought to myself, “How the hell am I supposed to help anyone when I feel like this?”. I was slow in every step of my morning routine. I slept in until I absolutely had to get up. I took too long on the toilet. I lingered in the shower…you get where I’m going with this. I did NOT want to do anything and my behavior was telling me as much. Often, when we are feeling off, our behavior will change in subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) ways. I we can clue ourselves into these changes, we have the chance to head off the storm! My response was “Screw that”. I was feeling crappy and I wanted to! I knew in my mind that I was doing things to keep myself low, but I just wanted to feel low for a bit and forget all of my training as a therapist. The problem is that little voice in the back of my head nagging me to stop being such a hypocrite. I wondered to myself as I was taking way too long to pack my lunch, “If I was my own client what would I do to help solve this problem?”

The answer is frustratingly simple. Two words…Behavioral Activation. This terribly simple concept can solve so many issues. But when we need it most, it’s the last thing we want to use. Ridiculous, I know. What is Behavioral Activation? Translated into human speech, Behavioral Activation boils down to this…

 If you’re feeling crappy, do more stuff and you won’t feel as crappy.

                                                                OR

When you engage your body and mind in pleasurable activities, you tend to feel better.

So I did what any begrudging therapist who is aware of their own self-sabotage would do, I made a plan to go beat up my friends that night after work.

I know what you’re thinking (Okay, maybe I don’t really know). But you might be thinking that I’m nuts for saying that and that maybe I should be reevaluating my profession for having these thoughts. I swear, things will make sense soon. You see, every week I go to a self-defense martial arts class that teaches me to use my body as a lethal weapon in case I ever find myself surrounded by some seriously menacing dudes who want to beat me up. I go to the gym and spend two hours every session using my body in ways that I would never dream of using toward another person in my outside life. But for those two hours when I’m in class with the rest of my group, I am free from everything that weighs me down. Let me give you a taste of what a normal session looks like.

We start out by partnering up and hardening our bodies by striking each other on our arms, legs, and stomachs. This is so we can get used to the pain of getting hit by another person. Then we do some light warm up exercises, you know practicing how to apply a choke for maximum effect or which body parts provide the least resistance to breaking. You know, normal, typical, everyday kinda stuff. After that, we usually train some new way to apply pain as a defensive strategy. After that we do some intensive aerobic and strength exercises to make sure that we’re good and tired for the night and so that our bodies will feel something if the hitting somehow didn’t do it.

Now you might be thinking, is that what all therapists do to relieve tension? Do they all just want to hurt other people? No…at least not me. Here’s the thing, when I go to these classes, I am completely free from everything that bothers me. It’s hard to worry about your day when you’re dodging a punch. I can’t be thinking about my stressors and be effective in my fight at the same time, so the stress just has to go. When I go to class, I train with other people who are there to get better and have similar interests to me. I have built a network of friends that are motivated to work hard and are glad for me when I improve. I consider myself lucky to have these people in my life. Each time I go I am working toward something bigger than me and using my body to the point of exhaustion so that when I’m done, I have nothing left but the satisfaction of a job well done (and a few extra bruises and scrapes).

That morning I noticed my behavior had changed, I was mindful of how my thinking was keeping me down, and felt the sting of knowing that I could do something about it. I decided that I would go train that night even harder than normal because I needed to get out of my funk. I messaged my group ( so they could hold me accountable if I didn’t go) and exercised my body and mind.

I got home that night full of bruises, tired as hell, and I noticed a growing pain in my wrist…

…but the only thing I had the energy to do was smile to myself and say “You did it”.

9 Signs Therapy Is Actually Working

Experts break down what progress looks like.

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eek after week, you may walk into your therapist’s office and pour out your anxieties, hopes and dreams, or you might cry or get angry. Does any of this mean the process is actually working?

According to experts, there are definite signs that show you’re on the right track. If you are experiencing any of the following, it may be safe to say that your weekly counseling sessions are paying off:

1. You’ll look forward to your therapy appointments

Revealing your innermost thoughts in a session can be daunting. But if you get to the place where opening up becomes more comfortable, you may have experienced some breakthroughs, according to Rachel Dubrow, a licensed clinical social worker in Northfield, Illinois. Dubrow said her clients often make the connection that their treatment is working when they no longer feel nervous before appointments.

“They also tell me that they start to feel lighter and better after a session,” she said.

2. You’re not as “in your head”

“I’ve had clients tell me that when they begin to feel better, they aren’t as ‘in their heads’ anymore,” said Christy Doering, a therapist with Sage Counseling in Plano, Texas.

According to Doering, constant rumination over anxieties, listening to your “inner critic” or berating yourself for past regrets takes up valuable real estate in the brain.

“When people start to get well, they give that space to something better. It’s often a new appreciation for the present moment, or more interaction with family and coworkers, but it builds upon itself and contributes to overall wellness pretty quickly,” she said.

3. You’re having fun again

Anhedonia ― which is the inability to experience pleasure from activities that people used to find enjoyable ― is one of the hallmark symptoms of mood disorders like depression.

“If a person loves to sew, fix cars, read or exercise, then when he or she is depressed, those things will stop bringing joy,” Doering said. “But when people are improving, they will one day wake up and realize they feel like doing those things again, and often those things bring even more joy than they did in the past. It’s like having a stomach virus and feeling like you will never want to eat again, but then after it’s over, everything tastes wonderful.”

4. You are focusing on the present

“Instead of worrying about whether or not your first grader will get into college ... or feeling guilty over enjoying that bagel you had for breakfast, you are being mindful of the here and now and tending to the things you are in control of at the moment,” said Kayce Hodos, a licensed professional counselor in Wake Forest, North Carolina.

So rather than stressing about the future, you are focusing on work tasks, listening to a friend over margaritas, taking a walk on your lunch break or enjoying your favorite band’s new album.

5. You’ve changed your standards on who you swipe right for on Tinder

Sheri Heller, a New York City-based psychotherapist, noted that effective therapy may make you shift your focus toward more stable partners. Additionally, it may help you seek out healthier friendships and romantic partnerships.

“As clients work through core wounds rooted in relational traumas and betrayals, their healing is evidenced in using discernment and discrimination with who they bring into their lives,” she said. “Often these new partnerships are completely contrary to the sort of toxic traits they found themselves gravitating toward in the past.”

6. Self-care becomes a priority

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According to Hodos, noticing that you are beginning to pay attention to yourself is a great sign of improvement. This could be as simple as booking a weekly massage, journaling about your thoughts and feelings or asking your boss for that overdue raise.

“Regardless of how it shows up for you, you are positively including some much-needed self-care in your routine, and a bonus is you are enjoying it with no, or at least less, guilt,” she said.

7. You’ve started applying your therapist’s suggestions ― and they’re working

“I know that therapy is working for my clients when they are able to transfer what we have been working on in the therapy room to their lives,” said Sheralyn Shockey-Pope, co-founder of Central Counseling Services.

She cited a couple on the brink of divorce that she treated as an example. “They began to come into sessions with statements like, ‘I remembered that he was hurting, too, and when things got too intense at home we took a timeout, just like we did in therapy,’” she said.

Dubrow agrees, adding that she loves seeing patients gain a sense of pride over properly applying techniques she has armed them with. “They’ll come back and report that what they did felt challenging at first but that they were successful in the end,” she said.

8. You may start to go backwards

It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s true.

“As you work on dismantling old, unhealthy thought patterns and coping habits, feelings of distress and unwanted behaviors sometimes have a surge before they go away,” said Rachel Kazez, a Chicago-area licensed clinical social worker. “Without those things masking the feelings, people might feel stronger and urges to act in unwanted ways might feel stronger or more necessary.”

Jenmarie Eadie, a licensed clinical social worker in Upland, California agreed, adding that anger in a session is a perfectly valid ― and sometimes wanted ― emotion.

“For me, a sign therapy is working is when the client gets mad at me,” Eadie said. “It’s usually because he [or] she is working through the issues with a safe person who won’t retaliate, dismiss, or abuse his [or] her emotions. For my kid clients, this usually means a crayon or two is going to be thrown my way!”

9. You realize you are only responsible for your problems

“It becomes clear to you which problems are actually yours to own and which ones you’ve been taking on that have nothing to do with you,” Hodos said.

For instance, you might learn to lovingly support your husband and listen to his job complaints without frantically updating his resume for him, or you proactively text your mom to let her know you will not be available for your usual Tuesday night chat, sans guilt.

Therapy is a very personalized journey and what works for some is different than what may benefit others. But any of the above changes signify you’re headed down the right path.